To expect DS's dad to pay for his school lunch?

[AquaWipe]

I have NC for this as very outing.

DS spends every other Thursday to Monday with his dad. Obviously, this requires him to drop DS at school every other Friday and Monday.

The maintenance he pays me will drop in accordance with this, as would be expected.

I have advised Ex-P that he needs to provide lunch on these days, the same way as he did previously when the arrangement was every other Friday to Monday, as well as every Wednesday overnight.

However, ex-P has responded that since he pays maintenance, his responsibilities end there and I am to pay for all school dinners. He also claims that the CMS have sent him proof of this. This is contrary to what I have been advised by the CMS, who state they do not get involved in the intricacies of how the maintenance is spent.

So, AIBU by expecting ex-P to provide his son with food on these days?

@Putdownthecake no, if I had him 4 days more I wouldn't be expecting to get anywhere near that kind of maintenance. DS is with him 4 nights a fortnight normally, possibly 5.

4 nights per fortnight plus half the school holidays is roughly 35% of the year. On the basis that you are equal parents and should equally share the cost of your shared child, ex should pay you maintenance to cover your son's expenses for 15% of the time. If you receive £180 per month in maintenance then unless your son genuinely costs more than £1066 per month his father is paying more than 15% plus the 35% he supports your son at his house.
I do understand your situation is nasty but is it possible you are allowing this to cloud your judgement.

Ask him to send on this evidence if he’s so sure he’s been told this

Just to confirm ex-P it's the amount that is recommended by the CMS. No more and no less.

He's not supporting the son 35% at his house if OP is bearing responsibility for his phone and lunches is he?

It also depends whether he buys a third of the clothes/ shoes/ uniform/ activities/ school trips. Teenagers cost a fortune.

I got evidence from the CMS to the contrary which I have provided but there has been nothing forthcoming from him....

He also pays nothing towards uniform, school trips, extracurricular activities etc. Nothing extra at all.

If that's to me, I'm definitely not your ex. But honestly as woman, mother and ex-wife it gets on my goat how many of my fellow women conveniently ignore that fact that they should be paying 50% of the cost of their children.

Can you not just pay for school dinners on your days? And tell him that it’s up to him to sort lunches on his days?

We buy school dinners weekly per day. So I can book Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but leave Wednesday and Friday unbooked for a packed lunch. If so, I’d do that and let him know he can arrange whatever lunch suits him on his days.

You don't even get £160 a month ? That's only £40 a week

Swimming lessons alone are £360 a year
Phone contract is £120 a year
School lunch is about £700 a year

Not to mention the cost of uniform, every day clothing, other food, cost of utilities, other activities etc.

So, yes, it genuinely does cost over a £1000 a year! His uniform was £250 alone.

Me too!

The cms always get it wrong too. The amount of suicides caused by that organisations fuck ups is beyond a joke. Not to mention women who withhold access for full cms. Dads should contribute but they shouldn't fund everything - people actually think they should support mortgage payments but everyone would have to live somewhere with or without the child

I pay 100% costs for my child. Have done since he was 13 months old.

But I still think that when a parent sends their child to school from their house they should be providing a meal as the RP has to. They get a reduction in child maintenance for this.

Instead of "what kind of mother would see their child go hungry to make a point" how about "what kind of father refuses to send their child to school with no lunch or money for lunch?"

Yes it should be for the father to provide lunch on his days. He’s being pathetic. If your son is spending a lot per day on dinners I’d change to packed lunch anyway if he’s getting a hot meal in the evening. Dad can then provide the ingredients for DS to make or make it for him. No doubt he will protest but if he sends him with nothing when he’s told he needs a packed lunch I’d be absolutely fuming

I have subsidised his parenting for 8 years and I've now had enough.

I used to buy everything, including school photos, for him. As well as pay for all childcare so we could both work.

I just had enough of being taken for a mug when he started to mess around with the maintenance and when he then moved nearly 2 hours away because he wanted to.

No thought was given to his son then.

So maybe I set a precedent that I shouldn't have but I can no longer afford to do this.

Apologies op, misread the contact arrangements. In that case I agree his dad should be providing for on his days.

Yes, but that means that the father covers all the expenses during his time - so lunch?

I do actually agree that the school lunch should be provided by the parent who's house the child wake up in, so yes on the Friday and Monday OP's ex should provide lunch. But these petty arguments over money cause lots of unnecessary problems for everyone, especially the children, and so often the RP believes they are hard done by when that's not always the case. Sometimes the NRP is paying more than 50% via a combination of CM, days the child is with them and often less of shared assets upon divorce and/or less entitlement to benefits etc, if we moved to a model of both parents being expected to pay 50% irrespective of the income of the other it would, hopefully, reduce these arguments.

I believe you!!👀😘

Does DS want packed lunch? In which case he'll have to provide it on the days he wakes up at his dad's house otherwise it will go off by Monday.

Poor kid.

Anyway hope it gets sorted through the court. If you're struggling to afford it have you looked into free school meals?

Your ex should be paying for what your DS needs on his time, including food, clothes and childcare. However, in practice it is almost impossible to make them do so without impacting the DC.

I tried to put my foot down with my ex and told him he would have to pay for childcare on his days and the childminder would bill him directly. Until I found out he had told my DS to try and find somewhere else to go after school as then he would only have to pay for the youngest. My DS was wandering the streets after school scared to go to the childminders in case he got told off.

Some just don't care how they impact their DC and will dig their heels in knowing we won't let them suffer. But the DC do see them for what they are in time and mine now spend very little time with him at all.

@Noideawhatiam it’s irrelevant how much you or anyone else thinks it should cost to care for her son- CMS is based on a percentage of the parent’s income, that’s all. That’s why higher earners pay more.

OP i hope your exh is not a person in a responsible role like a police officer or teacher. I would sell the story to a sympathetic paper.

Maintenance is for when the child isn’t with him, so when he is he has to pay the associated costs. Tell the school he’s paying on his days or just send him with picked lunch on yours.

It’s always quite fascinating to me how these dads will literally do whatever it takes to not provide for their children, do they not love their kids? Odd.

That reduction for petrol costs seems incredibly high! Have you seen the breakdown of this and double checked it’s correct?

There was another thread about this, might help. I'll find it