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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have a word with friend about her frequent docs visits?

99 replies

Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:06

Been mates for years. She's lovely. Have coffee once every week - 2 weeks. Our kids are both 3 and they get on v well. Before she had her son she was always at the docs. Probably once every couple of weeks. Headaches that she thought were brain tumors, whenever she had a fever, whenever she had a cough that lasted more than a few days, when her glands were up if she had a temp. The list goes on. It's endless. Now she has a son, she seems to take him to the docs every couple of weeks. He's not breathing properly so he's got asthma, he has a red mark on his arm so he has meningitis, he didn't sleep properly for 2 nights so he must have something seriously wrong with him.

She's taken him to a&e 9 or 10 times that I can remember and every single time there was nothing wrong with him. She was considering calling an ambulance the other day because a small plastic bit of his toy was missing and she wondered if he had swallowed it (it was a tiny round thing that would have just passed).

Part of me says I should just let her crack on, but equally I think it's really unhealthy and I'm genuinely quite worried about her.

AIBU? Should I just leave her to it? I'm just a worried friend and not looking to interfere as such. She doesn't have any signs of munchausens and I think it is a genuine, but extreme health anxiety. Equally I don't want to risk our friendship. Wwyd?

OP posts:
biggerbetterfasterstronger · 15/11/2022 21:08

Are you a doctor?

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:14

biggerbetterfasterstronger · 15/11/2022 21:08

Are you a doctor?

No, sonographer.

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 15/11/2022 21:15

I would do absolutely nothing but carry on enjoying your friendship. We are all different. Her going to the doctors is not harming you at all. It is for her peace of mind. It is down to the doctors to speak to her if they are worried.

Hotpinkangel19 · 15/11/2022 21:15

It sounds like extreme health anxiety to me, could you get her to talk? I have Health anxiety and it's hell to live with. Please be kind to her.

fairgame84 · 15/11/2022 21:16

If she's taking her DS that often and there's nothing wrong with him it will probably get flagged up to his health visitor as a family needing support.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:17

Highfivemum · 15/11/2022 21:15

I would do absolutely nothing but carry on enjoying your friendship. We are all different. Her going to the doctors is not harming you at all. It is for her peace of mind. It is down to the doctors to speak to her if they are worried.

From what I can tell, the hospital raised with her that she had been to the hospital a lot and asked her what was going on, and she was v upset about this. I guess I will just keep reassuring her when she calls me, even in the middle of the night (or learn to put my phone on silent!). Can't help but worry!

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 15/11/2022 21:17

It does sound like health anxiety, but I am not sure what you could say to her that would help.
Her frequent visits would already be flagged up anyway.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:22

Hotpinkangel19 · 15/11/2022 21:15

It sounds like extreme health anxiety to me, could you get her to talk? I have Health anxiety and it's hell to live with. Please be kind to her.

I'd ways be kind to her. She genuinely believes that there's something wrong with her and her son all the time. She sent me a photo last week of his fingernails because she heard that dark marks on fingernails can mean cancer. There was absolutely nothing on his fingernails. She is constantly drained by it. What's worse is that her partner has no clue about a lot of these visits so I'm not allowed to mention it when I go over.

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 15/11/2022 21:25

The secrecy is a problem. That shows she knows, on some level, she is in the wrong.

She needs support to stop this escalating and for the sake of her kids. Munchausens by proxy comes to mind.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:27

bumpytrumpy · 15/11/2022 21:25

The secrecy is a problem. That shows she knows, on some level, she is in the wrong.

She needs support to stop this escalating and for the sake of her kids. Munchausens by proxy comes to mind.

I don't think it's munchausens. She's not seeking attention. Once she has been reassured by the doctor she totally accepts it and is completely relieved.

OP posts:
Hello12345678910 · 15/11/2022 21:30

Sounds like health anxiety to me.. speak to her.. she needs to see the GP

AmyandPhilipfan · 15/11/2022 21:30

If she was asking me for advice about what she thought was a medical issue then I would be answering her honestly if I didn't think her child needed any treatment. It must be exhausting for her. I hate it when my kids are ill and feel quite anxious about it (though I'm quite calm and collected around them) so it must be awful to worry that they're ill the majority of the time. She sounds like she probably needs someone much more level headed than she is to offer her reassurance and practical advice in that type of situation.

CourdroySlacks · 15/11/2022 21:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:33

AmyandPhilipfan · 15/11/2022 21:30

If she was asking me for advice about what she thought was a medical issue then I would be answering her honestly if I didn't think her child needed any treatment. It must be exhausting for her. I hate it when my kids are ill and feel quite anxious about it (though I'm quite calm and collected around them) so it must be awful to worry that they're ill the majority of the time. She sounds like she probably needs someone much more level headed than she is to offer her reassurance and practical advice in that type of situation.

I always reassure her when I truly believe there's nothing wrong but equally I always have this niggling thought in the back of my head that I'll end up in a boy who cried wolf situation and tell her everything is fine, when one day it isn't. So I always tell her what I truly think, though I end with 'but I'm not a doctor, I'm a sonographer'.

OP posts:
abblie · 15/11/2022 21:35

My cousin was like this a dramatic person then be becoming a mother her drama intensified safe to say her and her children are fine and happy but still dramatic

Womencanlift · 15/11/2022 21:35

What an absolute waste of NHS resources. If it was my friend I would be pointing this out to her.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:37

Womencanlift · 15/11/2022 21:35

What an absolute waste of NHS resources. If it was my friend I would be pointing this out to her.

It is, however she genuinely believes that there's something awful wrong with her son. She's not just being daft calling the docs over a cold because she thinks she's entitled to a docs appointment. She's clearly unwell and needs help.

OP posts:
CourdroySlacks · 15/11/2022 21:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:39

abblie · 15/11/2022 21:35

My cousin was like this a dramatic person then be becoming a mother her drama intensified safe to say her and her children are fine and happy but still dramatic

Is your cousin dramatic in other ways? My friend is completely normal in every other walk of life.

OP posts:
bakerstreetbus74 · 15/11/2022 21:39

fairgame84 · 15/11/2022 21:16

If she's taking her DS that often and there's nothing wrong with him it will probably get flagged up to his health visitor as a family needing support.

Yet if you read other active threads on here Health Visitors have no role and serve no purpose. This is exactly the situation that a HV can provide support and guidance with, referring on to next tier services for mother or child if needed. It can't possibly be healthy for a small child's emotional development to be repeatedly taken to see health professionals and exposed to the mothers pre attendance anxiety.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 15/11/2022 21:41

I would be pointing out what a waste of resources this was. Wouldn’t be able to help myself.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:42

Howeverdoyouneedme · 15/11/2022 21:41

I would be pointing out what a waste of resources this was. Wouldn’t be able to help myself.

This would be a very quick way of alienating my friend who I worry about and who clearly needs help though. It wouldn't help the situation.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 15/11/2022 21:43

Pretty sure the GP will have spotted the pattern.

Health anxiety is absolutely recognised by the NHS and NICE as the debilitating disease that it truly is.

Bubblepunk · 15/11/2022 21:44

Hello12345678910 · 15/11/2022 21:30

Sounds like health anxiety to me.. speak to her.. she needs to see the GP

I shouldn't laugh at the suggestion of seeing the GP but 😂

Being serious though, I'd keep gently trying to reassure her that she's ok and very unlikely to be suffering from whatever awful illness Dr google says she or her child has. Her GP will be aware of how often she's attending and raise it with her if needed

KenCoff · 15/11/2022 21:44

Sounds like considerable health anxiety which must be exhausting for her.
Is she reassured when she goes to the Dr or a&e or does she continue to worry about that condition?

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