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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have a word with friend about her frequent docs visits?

99 replies

Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:06

Been mates for years. She's lovely. Have coffee once every week - 2 weeks. Our kids are both 3 and they get on v well. Before she had her son she was always at the docs. Probably once every couple of weeks. Headaches that she thought were brain tumors, whenever she had a fever, whenever she had a cough that lasted more than a few days, when her glands were up if she had a temp. The list goes on. It's endless. Now she has a son, she seems to take him to the docs every couple of weeks. He's not breathing properly so he's got asthma, he has a red mark on his arm so he has meningitis, he didn't sleep properly for 2 nights so he must have something seriously wrong with him.

She's taken him to a&e 9 or 10 times that I can remember and every single time there was nothing wrong with him. She was considering calling an ambulance the other day because a small plastic bit of his toy was missing and she wondered if he had swallowed it (it was a tiny round thing that would have just passed).

Part of me says I should just let her crack on, but equally I think it's really unhealthy and I'm genuinely quite worried about her.

AIBU? Should I just leave her to it? I'm just a worried friend and not looking to interfere as such. She doesn't have any signs of munchausens and I think it is a genuine, but extreme health anxiety. Equally I don't want to risk our friendship. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 15/11/2022 21:44

Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:42

This would be a very quick way of alienating my friend who I worry about and who clearly needs help though. It wouldn't help the situation.

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But she is not going to get help unless it’s pointed out to her that she needs it. She obviously realised that is an extreme reaction if it’s not go be discussed with her partner

In the meantime there are people desperately trying to get GP appointments who can’t because of time wasters

Dave20 · 15/11/2022 21:45

I’d leave her to it.

But every time she’s takes her child to A and E, a record will be made. They may look into why she has so many visits

MadameDe · 15/11/2022 21:47

I really feel for you. I would equally be worried about her kid. Maybe suggest she goes to see the doctor about her health anxiety - it's a legitimate reason. Anti-anxiety medication is a wonderful thing.

2tired2careanymore · 15/11/2022 21:47

Do you honestly believe it will change anything? She hides it from her DP, which makes me think he's had words with her about her behaviour before. The hospital have raised it too. But she's still doing it. Are you likely to get through to her where others have failed? I doubt it.

Probably best to pop your phone on do not disturb at night and ignore her bat shittery.

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 15/11/2022 21:52

Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:14

No, sonographer.

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This made me laugh a lot!

XenoBitch · 15/11/2022 21:53

Womencanlift · 15/11/2022 21:44

But she is not going to get help unless it’s pointed out to her that she needs it. She obviously realised that is an extreme reaction if it’s not go be discussed with her partner

In the meantime there are people desperately trying to get GP appointments who can’t because of time wasters

Show quote history

It is not really fair to call OP's friend a time waster. She genuinely believes something is wrong. Health anxiety is exhausting.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 21:56

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 15/11/2022 21:52

This made me laugh a lot!

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Ha! Why is that?

OP posts:
Crackof · 15/11/2022 21:57

It might be a relief for her to talk about her health anxiety, if you two are close. I think you could find a way to share your concern, if you care about her, but I do get your worry about alienating her. I dunno if I'd be able to leave it. If my friend was stealing compulsively or boozing in a concerning way, it would be just the same. I'd worry and I'd speak.

PinkButtercups · 15/11/2022 22:01

Oh bless her. She has extreme anxiety and it's horrible!
Maybe you can reassure her (if you can) but don't risk your friendship over something she hasn't got under control yet.

lljkk · 15/11/2022 22:02

I'm exhausted just reading about it.
I'm surprised she's lovely in every other way. People I've known with anxiety in one area have... issues in lots of areas.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 22:03

Crackof · 15/11/2022 21:57

It might be a relief for her to talk about her health anxiety, if you two are close. I think you could find a way to share your concern, if you care about her, but I do get your worry about alienating her. I dunno if I'd be able to leave it. If my friend was stealing compulsively or boozing in a concerning way, it would be just the same. I'd worry and I'd speak.

It's definitely a relief for her and I can actually see the relief on her face when I tell her I wouldn't be worried if it was my son. Equally she can't carry on like this. Very much hoping her GP raises it.

OP posts:
Crackof · 15/11/2022 22:04

lljkk · 15/11/2022 22:02

I'm exhausted just reading about it.
I'm surprised she's lovely in every other way. People I've known with anxiety in one area have... issues in lots of areas.

I think that's right actually.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/11/2022 22:05

I don’t think you can tackle it head on, it will just make her defensive and she’ll back away from you.

What you can do is create openings where she could raise anxiety when and if she feels able to.

All of this is being recorded so her GP should also be raising this, and probably will sooner or later.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/11/2022 22:06

… if you are getting really worried at any point, then what you could do is call her GP.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/11/2022 22:06

TBH childrens services may catch up with her as this is damaging behaviour for children.

If you’re brave enough have a word.

My (now ex) friend is exactly the same. Was a Uni friend. She was always always ill, meeting Up with her was a chore because she’d bang on about how ill she felt and I stopped going to night clubs with her because it would ALWAYS end up with her crying in the loo at 1am about her headache/earache etc and how NO ONE CARES.

Stayed friends when she had her kids. She now has 3, eldest is about 12 and it made me so sad to see she seemingly had Munchausens by Proxy. Her poor DD was forever in hospital or at the doctors, and when I tried to raise it with her she just cried until I shut up. It must be so horrible for the children in these situations Sad

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/11/2022 22:06

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/11/2022 22:06

… if you are getting really worried at any point, then what you could do is call her GP.

I doubt the GP will discuss a patient with some random woman!

Crackof · 15/11/2022 22:07

Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 22:03

It's definitely a relief for her and I can actually see the relief on her face when I tell her I wouldn't be worried if it was my son. Equally she can't carry on like this. Very much hoping her GP raises it.

Show quote history

No I mean really talk to her about it. The frequency of it. The impact on him. Etc. She is addicted to your reassurance, perhaps, and the Dr's... So reassurance is possibly a problem. She's pumping you all.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 22:07

lljkk · 15/11/2022 22:02

I'm exhausted just reading about it.
I'm surprised she's lovely in every other way. People I've known with anxiety in one area have... issues in lots of areas.

It's just her health. She watched her mum die of cancer when she was a young teenager so I suspect this may have contributed (apologies I didn't even think to raise this in my OP, but should have as it is entirely relevant!). She's smart, holds down a professional job and works 4 days a week, doesn't go off sick but has lots of drs appointments (works from home so can nip out), she brings me wine when I'm stressed, is lovely to my son, volunteers with elderly people in her spare time. There are good reasons why I'm friends with her and like her so much.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/11/2022 22:08

@Flairmaine v interesting about what you’ve said about your friend’s mum dying of cancer. The friend I mentioned earlier’a mum had cancer when she was a teen.

TolkiensFallow · 15/11/2022 22:09

Your poor friend. This sounds really hard to live with.

Personally I would talk to her off the back of the doctors visit and gently suggest that all of the worrying must be really difficult for her to live with. Then explore the concept of health anxiety with her and see if she would be open to talking therapy. CBT could be very useful. if she’s not open to the conversation then leave it but she might be relieved to have a chance to talk about.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 22:10

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/11/2022 22:08

@Flairmaine v interesting about what you’ve said about your friend’s mum dying of cancer. The friend I mentioned earlier’a mum had cancer when she was a teen.

Though they sound like they are also quite different, as my friend isn't worried about other people caring. Just about knowing she's OK and her son also. Definitely interesting though.

OP posts:
UmbilicusProfundus · 15/11/2022 22:12

You sound like a great friend. I do wonder if there would be an opportunity to bring up the issue of health anxiety with her in a kind and supportive way. You might actually be able to do so better than a GP could in 10 minutes or a busy A&E person.

Cm078 · 15/11/2022 22:13

I was very similar to her after my son, but not about my son - about myself. Ive never spoke to a dr so much, i now feel embarrassed but i genuinely couldn't help fearing i was going to die. Im slightly better now but its still there some days niggling in the back of my head.
I have a very good friend who i used to off load to and she always made me feel better. I would just let her know you're there for her. Nothing you say will change her thoughts unfortunately but being a good listener will really help her. X

Ell95 · 15/11/2022 22:16

I had extreme health anxiety after my son was born. It's called post partum anxiety and can last up until years later which mine did. I was seen as a hypocondriac and I knew it was wrong. It stemmed from not having enough support in my pregnancy by my now ex partner, being left alone after baby was born etc. all I needed was a bit of support and never got that. Not saying she is the same but it's crazy what things can stem from nowadays.

Original poster
Flairmaine · 15/11/2022 22:16

Cm078 · 15/11/2022 22:13

I was very similar to her after my son, but not about my son - about myself. Ive never spoke to a dr so much, i now feel embarrassed but i genuinely couldn't help fearing i was going to die. Im slightly better now but its still there some days niggling in the back of my head.
I have a very good friend who i used to off load to and she always made me feel better. I would just let her know you're there for her. Nothing you say will change her thoughts unfortunately but being a good listener will really help her. X

How fantastic that you're in a position now where you have insight and appreciate that you were unwell. No need to be embarrassed, and every reason to be proud of how far you've come. Thank you for sharing. Very valuable point of view.

OP posts:
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