Should I have a word with friend about her frequent docs visits?

[Flairmaine]

Been mates for years. She's lovely. Have coffee once every week - 2 weeks. Our kids are both 3 and they get on v well. Before she had her son she was always at the docs. Probably once every couple of weeks. Headaches that she thought were brain tumors, whenever she had a fever, whenever she had a cough that lasted more than a few days, when her glands were up if she had a temp. The list goes on. It's endless. Now she has a son, she seems to take him to the docs every couple of weeks. He's not breathing properly so he's got asthma, he has a red mark on his arm so he has meningitis, he didn't sleep properly for 2 nights so he must have something seriously wrong with him.

She's taken him to a&e 9 or 10 times that I can remember and every single time there was nothing wrong with him. She was considering calling an ambulance the other day because a small plastic bit of his toy was missing and she wondered if he had swallowed it (it was a tiny round thing that would have just passed).

Part of me says I should just let her crack on, but equally I think it's really unhealthy and I'm genuinely quite worried about her.

AIBU? Should I just leave her to it? I'm just a worried friend and not looking to interfere as such. She doesn't have any signs of munchausens and I think it is a genuine, but extreme health anxiety. Equally I don't want to risk our friendship. Wwyd?

As I said to pp. Wonderful that you have the insight now to see that you were unwell. Fantastic that you're in a better place. Thank you for sharing it is very helpful.

Ahh thats lovely, thank you.
I am not completely over it, but much better than I was. I hope you're friend manages to find a way out too, its such a scary place to be in x

I feel for your friend, I know exactly how she feels as I have severe health anxiety. It is all about my own health though not my kids, any kind of feeling/pain in my body send me into panic mode. I've been dealing with it for 8 years.

I know my GP must think I'm bonkers but she never says this to me, she always just takes my new ailment on board and sends me for relevant tests.

I do try to hide all this from my friends though, the only person who knows about it is my dh, also my dad and brothers to a lesser extent.

My mum died when she was 32, that's almost certainly where my health fears come from.

So sorry to hear about your mum. I'll say it as many times as I need to. It takes a very strong person to have this kind of insight and to be able to share with others. I really appreciate you sharing. Sometimes online we get used to people sharing every ounce of themselves that we forget that people are sharing quite intimate information. Thank you, it is really helpful to hear from people who have made it out the other side!

Why would they need to? If you are seriously worried about someone you can call their GP practice and express your concerns. They won’t discuss anything with you, and they can do what they want with the info. But it can be effective.

Had she got munchausen by proxy, there's a new name for it now.

No. I do not believe so.

Sorry I meant to say dramatic in health Ways on getting tests done and antibiotics

Fabricated and/or induced illness but is now broadened to also include 'perplexing presentations'

Munchausen's is knowing you are not unwell, you make up symptoms and spoil test results.
OP's friend is convinced she is unwell, hence health anxiety.

Interestingly my friend is quite anti antibiotics unless completely needed as she worries about resistance and them not working when really needed.

Have a research for your local IAPT service (improving access to psychological therapies) gently talk to her about your observations and the possibility that she has health anxiety, then support her to refer for CBT. I work for our team and see this kind of presentation fairly often.
self referral routes are straightforward and you can skip the GP. But depending on the area waits for treatment can be a several months.

Perplexing presentations is still a bit different though. Usually when a parent is trying to convince a medical pro that their child is more unwell than they are, or won't accept that they are ok when reassurance given, as opposed to showing relief (actually had some guidance sent to me on this quite recently at work), but only an indication of possible fabricated illness as opposed to overwhelming indication. This was my understanding anyway.

Fabricated or induced illness, used to be called munchausens by poxy.
It's an illness in itself, her dr must have picked up she has it surely. X

I have severe health anxiety her drs will be fully aware of this and be dealing with it. You don't need to do anything

She doesn't have it. That's the last time I'm going to repeat that.

@Flairmaine I was just clarifying the more up to date language and terminology.

Your friend does need professional input and support. Whatever is driving her health care seeking behaviours it is not healthy for her or her child.

Interestingly I also suffer with this and have also lost my mum like a few PPs..

@fdkc Sending hugs. I read your post and genuinely thought it was me who had written it! Though my mum was a little bit older when she died, 32 is incredibly young :(
I hide my anxiety from everyone too apart from DH and my brothers. For me it started when DC1 was born so I think it is all linked.

Your friend is very lucky to have you OP. Keep reassuring her, it's great that you can still do that for her. When my anxiety is very bad, no-one can reassure me. Poor DH is at a loss.

Sounds like health anxiety. When your afraid of losing loved ones or of leaving your loved ones suddenly it can overtake your life. It’s horrendous to live with abs you can preoccupied with worrying about everything. For me I’m sure I have undiagnosed adhd and ocd like tendencies so I think if I check and worry about everything health wise it will keep me and my dc safe or I’ll catch it. I’d talk to her in an understanding way. Simply telling her to stop is useless

It sounds really stressful for your friend. I do wonder if the NHS wasn’t ‘free’ at the point of care how those with severe health anxiety would manage or if it would continue.

If their GP was able to see a trend I think they should address, as well as others close. They obviously need help and it’s not healthy for a child to have that projected on them, as well as obvious waste of resources.

I was exactly like your friend after my dd was really ill with sepsis.

For about a year afterwards I would take her to the doctor literally every time she as much as sneezed.

It was an awful feeling, and I knew I was being stupid, but the minute I got the thought in my head I just had to get her checked out.

If someone had said anything to me at that point it wouldn't have made a difference at all unfortunately, so I don't know what you can say that will help. Definitely keep your phone on silent in the night, she will keep doing what she does regardless so don't get yourself stressed as well.

It will get to a point where the doctor will say something, I had a lovely doctor talk to me about my anxiety, and I knew myself that's what it was.

Things are a bit better with it now, I've bought various bits of medical stuff for my house and I can check a certain amount of things myself which has helped a lot.

All you can do is listen when she wants to talk, nod and make the right noises and make sure she can't contact you when you're asleep etc. The doctors will say something to her and that will hopefully get through.

You sound like a really lovely friend 💐

How kind and supportive of you! What would you hope to achieve by shaming her?

I have had very bad health anxiety in the past. You sound like an amazing friend but when you reassure her you are becoming part of her obsessive cycle. People with health anxiety seek reassurance the way an addict seeks a fix. The problem is that unless they learn to regulate their unhelpful thought patterns they happen more frequently and they need more and more reassurance. Your friend needs to break this cycle. What worked for me CBT.

Yes - you can be kind in your handling of it but she's turning to you for reassurance which is part of the obsessive behaviour. CBT would help her find ways to work through the feelings herself without needing external reassurance.

Health anxiety is horrible, really, really horrible. I have it too. You can’t talk someone out of it with a stern word and she pays her taxes I assume, so she’s entitled to use the NHS as and when she needs.