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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exdh says he’ll hate me if I report his dad to DVLA

74 replies

ShouldntHaveBeenSoHasty · 15/11/2022 19:56

Exdh and I coparent very amicably and have done for the last 2 years. His dm has been unwell lately and we had a good chat about it last night. It turns out that his dad has been having sort of blackouts where he doesn’t collapse or anything but freezes, loses the ability to speak and takes at least an hour to work out where he is and continue conversation etc.

DH’s family are very odd in that they refuse to talk about anything, ever. Dh said he’d tried to talk to his dad about these episodes but his dad point blank denied they happened and made it clear that was the end of the discussion. No talk of him seeing a doctor or anything.

Exfil recently had quite a serious car crash and exdh is now concerned that it happened when his dad was having one of these episodes as he was always a very cautious driver and it was an accident where he was clearly at fault. I said exdh needs to speak to him, get him to see a doctor about these episodes and not drive again until he did. Exdh half agreed but it was clear he wasn’t going to confront his dad. I said that if he didn’t then I’d report fil to the DVLA. One of my best friends died as a result of a drunk driver and imo what exfil is doing is just as reckless. Not to mention that his route to the supermarket is the same way that our youngest walks home from school so he could be putting our son at risk too.

Exdh for angry with me for the first time, ever. He’s been irritated with me before but this was absolute raw anger. He said that he’s done so much for me and supports me and the dc so much more than most dad’s do (true) and that when there’s one thing that I could do to help him out I won’t do it. He thinks I would be reporting him purely out of spite as he’s recently started seeing someone (it’s nothing to do with that, I’m genuinely happy he’s found someone). He said that if he was reported it would be obvious it was me and although he’d continue to support the dc he would no longer help me out with anything or speak to me other than when absolutely necessary. He said he’d ensure his family didn’t speak to me either and he’d tell them exactly why.

I’ve never seen this side of him before in the 15 years we were together. I understand he’s stressed about his parents but I don’t think someone should be driving if they’re having blackouts and refusing to get medical attention.

AIBU? Is there a better way I could handle it?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 15/11/2022 19:58

Your FIL shouldn’t be driving
they all have their heads in the sand and you’re a convenient person to blame

Endwalker · 15/11/2022 20:00

Report him anonymously, they might suspect its you but no way to prove it and could just as easily have been a doctor or other professional.

Look at it this way, what if - on your exDH's time - he does ex a favour and offers to drop the DC off at school/a friend's house/swimming and has one of these episodes with your children in the car? You'd be wishing you'd reported him.

Singlebutmarried · 15/11/2022 20:04

Report but give your MILs details?

In all seriousness he shouldn’t be driving. If you know who the GP is maybe go from that angle. The GP could/would probs advise not driving.

We did similar with my GF as he was getting very bad, but he didn’t want to hear it from us. But was fine with the GP telling him (we’d voiced concerns before his appointment)

SandyY2K · 15/11/2022 20:05

I always wonder in these situations, why people feel the need to say what they're going to do.

You could tell from what he said, that his dad didn't want to discuss it further and should have used your judgement to report it to DVLA.

LBFseBrom · 15/11/2022 20:09

You are certainly not unreasonable. Report him because it is right for the safety of other motorists - or pedestrians - and for your father in law himself. Don't tell your husband you have done it, just see how it enfolds.

RandomPerson42 · 15/11/2022 20:14

YANBU.

What if he kills someone by accident?

hoowhoo · 15/11/2022 20:16

Yanbu what if your child is in the car? What if he kills someone else's child? Can you carry that on your conscience?

notforme · 15/11/2022 20:21

Please report him! How irresponsible of him to still be driving when theres a chance he could have one of these episodes! Please don't wait until its too late..

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 15/11/2022 20:30

You could ring FILs dr and report the concerns and symptoms.

He definitely needs a medical once over if nothing else, he could be having TIAs or have a brain tumour!!

I'm not sure why you told your ex about reporting fil to the dvla, you could have just done it and avoided the stress surely?

LaurieFairyCake · 15/11/2022 20:37

Obviously he shouldn't be driving

But if you report him literally nothing will happen, even if you contact his doctor

It is incredibly hard to take someone's license away

FinallyHere · 15/11/2022 20:41

Something similar happened with DM

Optician suggest no longer fit to drive.

I didn't mention anything to anyone, filled out the online form to surrender her driving licence on her behalf. When their request to return her licence arrived, she returned it like a lamb.

She guessed that the doctors who treated her after her accident must have shopped her to DVLA and I agreed.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/declaration-of-voluntary-surrender

balalake · 15/11/2022 20:42

The better way if there was one would be something that was quicker than reporting to the DVLA. I cannot think of one sadly.

@LaurieFairyCake is unfortunately right, because road safety is not taken as important as it should be.

Zanatdy · 15/11/2022 20:46

I’d message and say I won’t report him, but if a child or person dies then it’s on your head just as much as the father’s. Then leave it a while and notify the doctor perhaps anonymously, he might call him in for an appointment, so a back door method for the DVLA finding out. Adult children do need to take responsibility for stopping elderly parents driving when the time is right

CourdroySlacks · 15/11/2022 20:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/11/2022 20:48

Your ex and his family are absolutely in the wrong here. Ex FIL is a danger to everyone on the road but you already know this.
He could be having mini strokes or it could be epilepsy, or any one of a number other causes.
Your ex is actually condoning his fathers actions. Make it absolutely clear that your dc are not to be driven by FIL, ever. In fact I’d tell FIL this myself.
I had to do it to my FIL, it was the time his driving licence was due for renewal after he’d reached 70, he was ill with cancer, had vision problems, forgot where he was going. The renewal notice came from DVLA just before his 73rd birthday. ( they come round every three years) He asked me to FIL it in as he couldn’t see.
I said don’t you think it’s better to hang up the car keys? He reluctantly agreed but wasn’t happy about it. A few weeks later we got a call from his neighbour, FIL was sat in the drive in just his pj’s, with the engine running but didn’t have a clue where he was going, tried to put it into reverse but put it into first, and almost took the garage wall out. DH took the car keys away, both sets. We sold the car eventually.

Dimsummummy · 15/11/2022 20:49

Might be easier to report directly to police when he’s in transit, if he does regular journeys - or you can find pit when he’s driving, as driving poorly?
on Police Interceptors you often see
people phone up and say ‘there’s a car weaving out of lane/driving without due care’ etc- and they often do send an officer to pull them over (where can). I presume if no officer is available the cat reg will stay on file and maybe he’d get randomly pulled over later if spotted? Like an ANPT hit?

Theunamedcat · 15/11/2022 20:49

Easy fix tell him you won't report it but you expect him to do the decent thing

and then get your friends family neighbours to all mass report him if he tries blaming you then you can say quite honestly you kept your promise and turn it onto him saying you thought he had done it 🤔

Or just report him and stop discussing it with your idiot ex (I'm calling him am idiot because how is this fucking ok)

Crankley · 15/11/2022 20:50

Ask yourself which is worse?

Your ex hating you or your ex-FiL killing som

Istheworldreallydonefor · 15/11/2022 20:50

@ShouldntHaveBeenSoHasty

your FIL should not be driving.
you DH is being a selfish git

the end

OliveWah · 15/11/2022 20:51

I don't think I'd be able to let this go, it sounds like you won't either.

I suspect your only option is to raise it again with your EXDH and explain exactly what you've said here - particularly the bit about your DC walking the route EXFIL drives. I would tell him that it needs to be reported, you would rather he did what he's morally obligated to do in this situation and do it himself, but if he won't, then he leaves you no option - you will have to do so yourself.

It's a horrible position to be in, but you're right in that he could cause a really awful accident. If your EXDH chooses to act like a brat over this, at least you'll be safe in the knowledge you may well be saving lives.

ImEasyLikeSundayMorning · 15/11/2022 20:58

I personally would let the dust settle for a couple of days and text ex and insist you're happy for him but you're really worried about the driving. And ask him to speak to his dad himself, contact the DVLA himself or point out the difficult position you're put in otherwise.

OP, put it back to him, he sounds like a good man. Let him be angry, then approach him again but make it his issue to deal with or you'll have no choice.

flewover · 15/11/2022 21:00

Just report him to the gp, who had the power to advise him to stp driving

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 15/11/2022 21:01

He needs reporting before he kills someone. There’s a reason why they give pensioners bus passes. He can take taxis, they’ll probably be cheaper than owning a car and driving around if they’re not out every day.

bellabasset · 15/11/2022 21:05

My dsis friend's dh was a lot older than her and we thought he shouldn't be driving. He had an accident where we think he blacked out near the supermarket and hit a commercial vehicle and there were court proceedings due to the claim for loss of earnings. His license was taken away until he'd retaken his test but he gave up. My ndn's dm drove her car into a wall, no one was hurt - apart from the wall - and she gave up as it was clear she wouldn't get any further insurance.

It's a pity you didn't think to tell your ex that your fil might lose his insurance following this accident.