Exdh says he’ll hate me if I report his dad to DVLA

[ShouldntHaveBeenSoHasty]

Exdh and I coparent very amicably and have done for the last 2 years. His dm has been unwell lately and we had a good chat about it last night. It turns out that his dad has been having sort of blackouts where he doesn’t collapse or anything but freezes, loses the ability to speak and takes at least an hour to work out where he is and continue conversation etc.

DH’s family are very odd in that they refuse to talk about anything, ever. Dh said he’d tried to talk to his dad about these episodes but his dad point blank denied they happened and made it clear that was the end of the discussion. No talk of him seeing a doctor or anything.

Exfil recently had quite a serious car crash and exdh is now concerned that it happened when his dad was having one of these episodes as he was always a very cautious driver and it was an accident where he was clearly at fault. I said exdh needs to speak to him, get him to see a doctor about these episodes and not drive again until he did. Exdh half agreed but it was clear he wasn’t going to confront his dad. I said that if he didn’t then I’d report fil to the DVLA. One of my best friends died as a result of a drunk driver and imo what exfil is doing is just as reckless. Not to mention that his route to the supermarket is the same way that our youngest walks home from school so he could be putting our son at risk too.

Exdh for angry with me for the first time, ever. He’s been irritated with me before but this was absolute raw anger. He said that he’s done so much for me and supports me and the dc so much more than most dad’s do (true) and that when there’s one thing that I could do to help him out I won’t do it. He thinks I would be reporting him purely out of spite as he’s recently started seeing someone (it’s nothing to do with that, I’m genuinely happy he’s found someone). He said that if he was reported it would be obvious it was me and although he’d continue to support the dc he would no longer help me out with anything or speak to me other than when absolutely necessary. He said he’d ensure his family didn’t speak to me either and he’d tell them exactly why.

I’ve never seen this side of him before in the 15 years we were together. I understand he’s stressed about his parents but I don’t think someone should be driving if they’re having blackouts and refusing to get medical attention.

AIBU? Is there a better way I could handle it?

But if you report him literally nothing will happen, even if you contact his doctor

This is just not true. My SIL reported her ex, this summer, to his Dr, the Dr advised her to report to DVLA. Within three weeks the ex received a letter which stated he must not drive and his licence was suspended.

If he had quite a serious accident, was there not an investigation as to the cause? Get in touch with whoever was in charge of this investigation. Even if it was a little while back you could contact the police and tell them that this information has just been brought to your attention and they will deal with it from there on.

I agree with PP who say it sounds like he could be having mini-strokes/ TIAs. If he is, there is a very big risk of him having a major stroke. It's sad because if he saw his doctor now there are things that can be done to prevent that happening.

I think you've done the right thing reporting him.

I was thinking the same as PP. If the police attended the accident tell the police - it might make your FIL stop for a bit or help your ex understand the seriousness if the police ask a few questions. It will also make the DVLA's eventual follow up look like something to do with the police.

I’ll be honest I wouldn’t report it, I doubt they will anything to be fair and you’ll be in the sh@t. I would say clearly to dh that this is on him and if his father seriously hurts someone or kills himself it’s his fault because he is not acting on the information he has. Then leave it there. Otherwise you face a life of hell for evermore . An angry nasty co-parent is not something you want - I have that and it’s ages me ten years.

Since your FIL has been in a serious crash recently, it might be worth contacting the police (possibly via Crimestoppers) and reporting his seizures, which quite probably caused the crash. I'm sure they'd be interested.

I reported my elderly neighbour after she'd had a stroke. I took her to a garage to test drive a new car and the salesman went with her and took me aside after to say that her judgement and coordination was awful and he'd had to pull up handbrake/take control of steering wheel on a number of times. He said he couldn't sell her a car in good conscience and to report her to DVLA. I did several times and nothing happened! A year later she had a big fall and went into a home and it was such a relief to know she was off the road.

I don’t disagree that he shouldn’t be reported. He should. But taking someone’s freedom away isn’t something to be considered lightly I guess.

I think you’ve done the right thing but I understand the anger on the other side too. My gran recently gave up her license and her life has been much, much smaller for it.

I don't mean to be rude but are you fucking serious? Limiting someone's freedom is absolutely NOTHING compared to taking someone's life. Or possibly multiple lives.

Quite sure you do mean to be rude but ok.

Yes I know and understand this. Hence why I said it was the right thing. But let’s not pretend that there aren’t hundreds of drivers out there, driving every day, who shouldn’t be on the road. Because it’s a big fucking deal to lose your license and I’m not sure why you’re pretending otherwise.

All I’m saying is I understand the anger and reluctance. Not that it shouldn’t be happening.

You did the right thing OP. If he kills someone then at least you'll know you did what you could.

It does sound like he's having TIAs though (aka mini strokes). My grandad had many of them and they damaged his brain over time. It's really important that he gets himself checked out. I'd call your ex, tell him you've been thinking about what he said, and mention mini strokes. It does sound like he's very stressed about his dad and that's maybe why he went apeshit at you for worrying about the driving, rather than his dad's health. Old men are notorious for not going to the doctor and sticking their heads in the sand, but he should be on medication to prevent more happening and his wife and DS are best placed to encourage him to get the help he needs.

Was there any police investigation after the crash he had? If there's any comeback, you could point out that any action the DVLA take may well be down to the police.

put it this way, if the next time he kills somebody and you never spoke up YOU will have being complicit in this. Try living with that.

He said that he’s done so much for me and supports me and the dc so much more than most dad’s do (true

They are his fucking kids ffs-what does he want a medal???

I'm not sure why you told your ex about reporting fil to the dvla, you could have just done it and avoided the stress surely

because she likely assumed he'd see reason and agree but people can surprise you in these situations.

I reported my dad to the police because he was unsafe to drive and refused to stop driving himself.

It was utterly awful but the right thing to do. The police were amazing and never told dad who reported him - he suspected it was the neighbours who he didn't like anyway!

The police gave me his keys in front of him, and said I wasn't to give them back to him (I was his carer). Dad then confronted me when they had gone and wanted his keys back!

However, you wouldn't be put in this position as you're not involved with the family so I do wonder whether it's worth a chat with the local police? Our local police was really brilliant - we tipped them off when he was out driving so they could "accidentally" spot him and stop him for erratic driving. Might not work with your ex-FIL but I'd have a chat with them anyway.

Does you FIL ever drive with your children in the car? Is your ex prepared to let that continue? If so you may have to rethink visiting arrangements.

If he won't let them go in the car for their safety, he is being a total hypocrite. It's not OK to acknowledge the risk that his father could kill or hurt his grandchildren but to be OK with the risk of him killing or hurting other people.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd give exdh a bit of space to calm down and then message him to try to get across that you are not trying to attack exfil, you are trying to save him. If he has one of this moments while driving he could kill himself. Stopping him driving is in his interest.

Do it now! Sounds like he's having seizures-my DH suffered these-especially the being very confused afterwards. He had the sense to surrender his driving license though.

As far as I know there was no investigation into his crash. He drove into the post at the end of his driveway. The driveway that has been the same for the 40 years that he’s lived in that house. He must’ve been going a fair speed as the car was a complete write off and he had to be cut out by the fire brigade as the passenger door had crumpled and was jammed.

Exfil is one of those men who is used to being the head of the family and no one ever contradicting him. Tbh since I’ve known dh there’s never been a reason for anyone to contradict him at all so it hasn’t been an issue. I’ve emailed his GP surgery but will eat my hat if he actually condescends to go. He’s decided these episodes aren’t happening and that’s what he’s going to stick with.

I think Exdh will be beyond furious. I’ve never done anything that he explicitly asked me not to before and it will be pretty bloody obvious it came from me. I’m not sure how that will pan out. Since we’ve separated he’s let me stay in the family home and said I can continue to do so for as long as I want. He’s paying me a very generous amount of maintenance and essentially funding my lifestyle as, although I have a professional qualification in an industry that is well paid and always recruiting, I’m doing a job I love for pretty much
minim wage.

I’m not sure how that will pan out.

Well if he does become furious with you and decides to punish you, remind him he is also punishing his children and ask him how he would feel if his Father killed a child or himself in a car accident?
Also send him a few news reports of older pensioners who’ve killed babies, children and adult in car accidents they have caused.

Report it. He could kill or maim himself or someone else, quite easily. It could even be your child!

Anyone could report him anonymously via the DVLA website, so if your exDH wants to blame you when there was no evidence it was you (deny it!) and kick off then that would be on him and all the consequences of that. exDH has no right to kick off about it anyway of course because it is the only right and responsible thing to do.

I think you need to have this thread hidden though OP as the information is quite identifying.

Info here:
www.moorebarlow.com/reporting-medical-conditions-to-the-dvla/

Section on reporting anonymously partway down the page.