Exdh says he’ll hate me if I report his dad to DVLA

[ShouldntHaveBeenSoHasty]

Exdh and I coparent very amicably and have done for the last 2 years. His dm has been unwell lately and we had a good chat about it last night. It turns out that his dad has been having sort of blackouts where he doesn’t collapse or anything but freezes, loses the ability to speak and takes at least an hour to work out where he is and continue conversation etc.

DH’s family are very odd in that they refuse to talk about anything, ever. Dh said he’d tried to talk to his dad about these episodes but his dad point blank denied they happened and made it clear that was the end of the discussion. No talk of him seeing a doctor or anything.

Exfil recently had quite a serious car crash and exdh is now concerned that it happened when his dad was having one of these episodes as he was always a very cautious driver and it was an accident where he was clearly at fault. I said exdh needs to speak to him, get him to see a doctor about these episodes and not drive again until he did. Exdh half agreed but it was clear he wasn’t going to confront his dad. I said that if he didn’t then I’d report fil to the DVLA. One of my best friends died as a result of a drunk driver and imo what exfil is doing is just as reckless. Not to mention that his route to the supermarket is the same way that our youngest walks home from school so he could be putting our son at risk too.

Exdh for angry with me for the first time, ever. He’s been irritated with me before but this was absolute raw anger. He said that he’s done so much for me and supports me and the dc so much more than most dad’s do (true) and that when there’s one thing that I could do to help him out I won’t do it. He thinks I would be reporting him purely out of spite as he’s recently started seeing someone (it’s nothing to do with that, I’m genuinely happy he’s found someone). He said that if he was reported it would be obvious it was me and although he’d continue to support the dc he would no longer help me out with anything or speak to me other than when absolutely necessary. He said he’d ensure his family didn’t speak to me either and he’d tell them exactly why.

I’ve never seen this side of him before in the 15 years we were together. I understand he’s stressed about his parents but I don’t think someone should be driving if they’re having blackouts and refusing to get medical attention.

AIBU? Is there a better way I could handle it?

I reported my parent to DVLA recently (booze).

It took a good six months for them to get in touch. She ignored it, at which point they contacted her GP (might have done that previously, I didn’t see the initial letter).

GP knows about her issues so called her in and reported back, I presume, but she’s too blotto to tell me if she’s been banned or not.

I think it would be difficult if your FIL’s GP has no idea about his attacks. It could be worth seeing if you can speak to someone at his surgery to report your concerns, so they can get him checked out if he won’t volunteer it himself.

He could easily lie to the DVLA and the GP will need evidence to back you up. Also just be aware of the long potential wait time.

Your ex is being very irresponsible about this. If he had any conscience at all he would go to his father's house, take away the car keys and disable the car engine.
Or if you can, do it yourself

www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/local-news/poppy-arabella-clarke-sutton-coldfield-15392866.amp

This was a similar situation close to me. Child was 3 and driver failed to stop at a red light when he hit and killed her. She would have been a similar age to my child had she lived. Maybe even the same year group. Tragic.

Driver went to prison. Maybe if FIL/ XH don't care about others they care about going to prison? I would report and be honest and tell them why.

You have to report him or he could kill people. Remember this story?
www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/mar/31/glasgow-bin-lorry-death-crash-driver-avoids-jail-for-new-incident

Very odd response from them!

Maybe you could insure the correct thing happens by encouraging him to see his GP about the episodes. Whilst there's a few different things that can cause episodes you describe quite a likely one is a TIA (mini stroke). If so it's a warning sign he's about to have a massive stroke and driving will be a non-issue. If he saw his GP I expect they would refer him into hospital for further tests, he could be started on treatment that reduces the chance of further TIA/Stroke from occuring.

Thank you everyone. I’ve reported via the link someone kindly posted earlier. A bit concerning that it could take months for them to follow up though. I know which GP surgery he’s registered with but not his actual GP. He’s one of those men who I don’t think has been to the doctors in about 20 years though. Do you think if I contact them with my concerns that actually follow it up with him? There’s a good chance even if they did he just wouldn’t go to the appointment though.

Part of the problem is that it is all anecdotal. I'm assuming your Ex has only heard about these incidences, your exfil denies they happen, so who has proof they have? If someone witnesses someone unable to speak for an hour why aren't they calling for help?

What are the DVLA supposed to do? I could report anyone but if they deny there is any problem, then nothing will happen.

If you have a good relationship, the best plan is to encourage Ex to get help for his dad and call a doctor next time there is a problem. Then the GP can make the call and will be backed with evidence.

@SleepyRich theres no way he’d listen to me. I only really speak to ex’s parents in passing and FIL would be absolutely furious if he found out exdh had mentioned his concerns to me. As far as FIL is saying he’s absolutely fine and these episodes simply don’t happen.

@HyggeandTea Exdh has witnessed these episodes and found them very scary which is why he mentioned them to me. I have reported though but obviously I personally haven’t witnessed them and fil will no doubt deny they happen.

The problem is even if he hands in his licence/has it revoked, unless you take his car off him, there is nothing to actually physically stop him from driving.

Just look at how many banned drivers are still on the roads.

By all means report him. But it won't necessarily stop him. The best outcome is he has an accident where the only person he harms is himself.

I think you and he are going base around apex... instead of pushing for him to stop driving (which you want but it is the wrong angle of approach) text your ex and say that they need urgently to get your ex dil checked because he could have a tumour or stroke or some other health issue which if they do nothing about could cause serious consequences which treatment and diagnosis could heal. I suspect your ex is really worried about his dad and you concentrating on the driving instead of his health seemed judgemental. He does need to stop driving but the medical treatment might be the better angle

Well done for reporting him, you’ve saved someone’s life possibly his.
As for the fact for not seeing his GP for this, that family are very very strange.

His dad may be having TIAs. It's dangerous to drive if he is having the incidents you describe. If he was my dad I'd be taking his licence and car keys from him, no way would I want his dead accelerated let alone the risk of injuring someone else.

You are though between a rock and a hard place. Try talking to him again and ask him if he wants his dad to drive as much as he wants his dad alive.

What on earth did your ex say when you pointed out it could be your DC (or anyone else's DC) who get run down by your ex fil?

You absolutely did the right thing. Do not ever think otherwise.

You don't need to know the actual gp. Send an email to the gp surgery detailing your concerns and asking for them to take necessary steps. Ask for confirmation that they have received the email and forwarded to a gp

You absolutely did the right thing OP.

Sounds like he’s having seizures, maybe if the absence variety. He needs to see a doctor. And he should not be driving.

So your ex would rather his dad killed somebody? Why is he telling you how much he’s done for his own dc? How is that relevant?

My mil had absent minutes, total blanks. She’d never had them while driving so thought it was ok to carry on. My bil reported her to the dvla and stole her keys, because he didn’t want his mum killing someone. She was furious but come on, should she have been allowed to carry on and kill herself/someone else? Your ex needs to take his keys/report.

Report the morons. Bloody ridiculous .

Oh well done for reporting!

Did the police attend the accident and were paramedics there? My dad had a serious accident caused by a medical issue, he didn’t drive after on medical advice. He’s subsequently had a dvla request to surrender his license which we think is as a result of police/medical report. Fortunately my dad is in full agreement.

Actually it’s not. If your doctor tells you that you cannot drive… you can no longer drive as your insurance becomes invalid. Yes, there’s tiresome paperwork to complete before your physical license is taken, but from the moment you are told by your doctor not to drive. That’s it. Unless of course you want to drive uninsured as well.

Well done for doing the right thing op

I think I’d also try to let his GP surgery know your concerns and also the non urgent police line 11 I think giving his and his car’s details.

Of course he should not be driving. Report.

Yes you can ring on his behalf and ask to report the concerns to the GP, alternatively you maybe able to email the surgery.

My guess is the GP could ask him to come in for a routine check up and give him the once over.