To be upset about Christmas?

[Tooomanytimes]

I had invited my parents to come to our house for Christmas, which they had said yes to. Last night my dad rang and told me they'd decided to have Christmas Day at their house instead, and are inviting my brother and family, but they assume one my my children would want to stay at home to play with their toys and made it clear we are not invited!
AIBU to be upset?

Of note my parents are elderly and will find coming to our house slightly difficult, but nowhere near as difficult as them hosting Christmas themselves.
I feel I'm in an impossible situation now - express how upset I am and get told I'm difficult, or put up with it and somehow try to get over it so there isn't an atmosphere next time I see them.
I'm not sure how much I can respond to the thread today, but would welcome some perspective on this, thanks

Absolutely not being unreasonable to be upset! Where do you think the plan change has come from?

That is hurtful of them.
In your shoes I'd shrug it off (while being very aware that they have shown me where I & my family come in their mental pecking order) and plan a lovely Christmas at home without them. It will be them who are missing out.

YANBU, that is very upsetting. Your parents are entitled to change their plans, but it is of course very upsetting that you are not invited to the new arrangements. Being excluded from family events is hurtful.

You don't need to respond to them, there is nothing to say, so you should focus your emotional energy on your own undersatndably hurt feelings. You should also put energy into planning a good Christmas Day for your own children.

My first thought is: Is there a pattern of this kind of hurtful behaviour in your family?

I hear you

people are just dicks sometimes.

a few years ago my mum told me she’s been faking Christmas my whole life and to stop inviting her as she hates it and only does it for me.

Several years of isolating and heartbreaking single parent only child Xmas later I invite a friend and their kid who have just moved back to the country for Xmas and suddenly she wants to make the effort.

I would have said no out of spite and anger at all the Christmases she made me face alone but ultimately I want her there so I’m putting how I feel aside

I would just plan the Christmas you want and leave them to it

Are you a single parent or do you have a partner?

Do they usually come to you?
How often do they spend Christmas with your DB?
Do you ever spend Christmas just yourselves, or with your in-laws?

Could your brother and family maybe have some personal/financial situation going on that your parents (rightly so) have not discussed with You?

Well as they don't sound like very supportive or loving parents I would be hurt but kind of glad too!

I assume this isn't the first time in your life they have been unkind? I suspect your relationship isn't all plain sailing.

Be thankful you are not having to host them, guilt free, and concentrate on arranging a lovely stress free Christmas at home 😀.

It is sad for you OP if they don’t want to come but you have said it will be difficult for them to come to you.
it could also be that they are unable to cope with two families at the same time (you don’t say if your DB has young children)
Personally, as difficult as it may be for you, I would love the ‘less pressure and expectations’ of having no one but family around for Xmas - I wouldn’t have to worry about whether dinner was late and if I had enough food/drink and it’ll probably work out cheaper too!
I think your parents are aware of how nice it is for kids to spend the day with their new toys so I think that’s quite thoughtful.

Don’t get involved with “helping” them sort Xmas with your brother, leave them to it and arrange to see them Boxing Day or another time over the Xmas period

YANBU to be upset but I’d just enjoy having a guilt free Christmas to yourselves. Also, quite possibly your DB and his wife/partner will be helping your parents with the cooking etc?

I admit I have a bad relationship with Christmas but I’d actually think of this as being a win. You are off the hook for all future Christmases!

You are now under no obligation to host, invite, run around picking up relatives, get your kids up dressed and out to do mandated family activities, eat a menu that suits other people at times that suit them or any other of the myriad ways that being under family obligation screws up your enjoyment of Christmas.

And because your parents were the nasty grinchy fuckers, you don’t even need to feel bad about it. Next year when you’re organising your pj and Prosecco breakfast and they ask about coming to you, you can, with carefree abandon, smile sweetly and say “oh, I understood last year that you would make your own plans, the kids (and dp?) and I are doing x”. Where x is whatever you damn well please, because it’s up to you.

Take the freedom and run with it. The door is now open to you visiting the pub, the church, it both or neither; opening presents at 2am or 2pm, watching tv all day or not at all; cooking or not.

Big smile - we both know they’ve been shitty but there’s a big silver lining here: have a great Christmas!

They’ve been reading MN and seen all the posts from people who just want their little family for Christmas.

Good grief. It's hard to imagine that they don't have form for this kind of behaviour.

Wow that's a bit off! I mean, I could understand it if they're elderly and they changed it to being at their house but to change it and invite someone else and not you is really out of order!
Are they usually like this?

Is your brother the golden child by any chance?
This is the sort of thing my parents will do - accept an invitation but then change their minds if they get the chance to spend the day with the Chosen One instead. Not the least bit apologetic, just "this is what we are doing now". And like you if I point out that it is rude and hurtful I get told how "difficult" I am and how I "always want to spoil everything".

Thanks for all your replies.

To answer a few questions, I do have a partner and kids, our family don't have a set pattern for Christmas, we change who is hosting and coming based on what both set of in-laws are doing.

I can't remember the last time we were with my parents for Christmas, youngest child reckons it's 2018. During covid they were very reclusive.
Are my brother and family helping cook? they bloody better be!

Generally relationship with parents is good, but they do like everything their own way, especially Mum. We are not close with my brother and family, probably only see them every 2 to 3 months, but we get on fine when we do see them.
We already have plans for boxing day and 27th with in-laws, so I will just leave it up to my family to contact us to arrange something, and in the meantime plan a nice day for the kids as lots of you have suggested.

Yanbu to be upset. I would raise this with your parents at a later date. For now sounds like you have a plan, make it a special Christmas at home.

I would say yes, but not overtly. I don't think they will tell me directly I'm being difficult, but will infer it to me and complain to my uncles/aunts etc how I'm making Christmas difficult.

My current instinct is to say nothing.

YADDDDNBU

That is very hurtful. Really hurtful.

I wouldn't bother making it your problem to minimise the atmosphere op. I would tell them straight it was a very hurtful decision that they have made, and although you respect their decision, you certainly don't agree with it.

I wouldn't bother making arrangements to visit over Christmas, I would post the presents and leave at that.

Focus now on making your children's Christmas wonderful, can you see friends go to a church service, see other family or have a Christmas eve party? You can actually spend time playing with the children, having fun.

Make their decision work for you. I would busy next year too.

Don't let it spoil your Christmas.
We have hosted in-laws for years and years and no one else has offered. If we don't offer, they get upset so it is not like I am forcing it on them. We asked if they have plans and they said no, and followed it up with "you are welcome here". They replied that they don't want to come to our house for Christmas and won't give us a reason. It is some sort of tantrum and game that I have seen before and am tired of.

We are having Christmas just us, and my family are coming on the 26th. If they want to come over during the Christmas period, fine, but I am not asking again. They can organise themselves.

Leave them to it. Respond in a supportive way.
Sounds like a great Christmas day for you and your household op. Who wouldn't like their dc to themselves at Christmas?

Thanks for all your replies, it's made me feel much better reading them.

I'm going to my parents next week, doesn't leave much time for the dust to settle, so I needed to sort my head out beforehand!

I would be asking why they've changed their minds when you had a plan agreed and explain that it's really hurtful to do that. I'd never do that to my DC

I'm so sorry, @Tooomanytimes , that IS damn hurtful.
Feck it. Have a WONDERFUL Christmas with your own family. Stay in Christmas pj's. Slob about! Enjoy. x

Why are you so afraid of atmosphere/tension?

Surely they would expect some tension given their decision.
They sound horrible actually op. Talking behind your back to others, calling you difficult and now you are too afraid to say you are upset. You are muzzled.

It sounds like a toxic family with you doing all of their bidding.