To be upset about Christmas?

[Tooomanytimes]

I had invited my parents to come to our house for Christmas, which they had said yes to. Last night my dad rang and told me they'd decided to have Christmas Day at their house instead, and are inviting my brother and family, but they assume one my my children would want to stay at home to play with their toys and made it clear we are not invited!
AIBU to be upset?

Of note my parents are elderly and will find coming to our house slightly difficult, but nowhere near as difficult as them hosting Christmas themselves.
I feel I'm in an impossible situation now - express how upset I am and get told I'm difficult, or put up with it and somehow try to get over it so there isn't an atmosphere next time I see them.
I'm not sure how much I can respond to the thread today, but would welcome some perspective on this, thanks

You're understandably upset. Honestly, when you do see them I'd not mention Christmas at all. If they ask anything tell them you were dissapointed at being dropped but you can't allow your children also to be made to feel let down by Grandparents so it's now your plan to do what suits and is best for your children. You're not wrong and I'm wondering if there is a history of hurt there. Enjoy the next few weeks and rejoice that you've been let off the hook permanently now!

Little known fact - many parents are cunts.
Read some Alice Miller books.

Don't let their poor behaviour upset you. It is strange they just changed plans so late but maybe they have a reason they can't tell you like maybe your brother told them they can't afford to cook Xmas dinner or something like that. Personally I would avoid going to their houses next week. I'd say I was too busy with work and give myself a bit longer to come to terms with it. I would make it clear next year you are inviting in-laws who will be pleased to be invited.

Go to Lapland if you afford it. It is a magical place for children on Christmas Day!

I would reply:

“So, not only have you decided to renege on the established plans to come to us for Christmas, you’ve decided to host Christmas yourselves, invite my brother an his family, and specifically not invite me and my family? Is that the situation?”

And then I wouldn’t bother with them for a long time. The way you say they call you ‘difficult’ suggests the classic ‘scapegoat child, golden child’ dynamic.

That is very hurtful. I am a firm believer in having the discussion though. Just so everyone is clear on where we are. It doesn't need to be an angry, or long, discussion.

So in your shoes i would say "oh that is very disappointing i was looking forward to spending the day with you, it is a shame you haven't invited us to yours"

And that would be it. I wouldn't bring it up again. If they suggest alternative dates, if not busy I'd think about it, probably agree. But i wouldn't be rearranging anything to acommodate them. And for future Christmas? meh.

I would message back and say
Whilst I’m sad you don’t feel us worthy of an an invitation along with my brothers family I respect your decision.

Why would you advise that? Honestly?

What would be much better for family harmony would be to wait till next week when she see's her parents and speak to them in a calm manner and ask whats going on, There might be a good reason this has happened which op does not know about yet.

But there isn't family harmony. OP said they'll describe her as difficult. So I'd just get that out of the way and then carry on.

The polite and family-oriented thing to do would say to op "really sorry, something has come up, can't discuss"

I read subtext in the OP’s post that suggested it’s not the first time her parents have behaved like that, especially as she has been called ‘difficult’ in the past. She also says her brother is basically the golden child.

If decent people wanted to change the plans for some incredibly important and secret reason, surely they’d invite the OP and her family too? What’s nicer than having both their kids for Christmas?

It’s OK to let them know you feel sad not to see them at Christmas and will miss them, but that you are also happy they are doing what suits them. As in “of course we’ll miss you and I feel sad we won’t be with you but glad that one way and another we will all be having a lovely time. What are you planning on cooking?”

I am guessing that your brother persuaded them.

I'd get over it but I certainly wouldn't be doing them any favours in any form. I'd tell them if they couldn't give a toss about my feelings then I wouldn't be considering them in the future and they better hope they don't need any help in old age.

I’m of the opinion that it is only one day. Over the years we have hosted many Christmas Day meals with our children and spent a few with my parents who lived, when alive, 200 miles away. Big families on both sides. No pressure on anyone and anyone is welcome at our house. Siblings have brought their in laws and our grown up kids have brought friends, partners and even one guy who was semi homeless and had fallen on hard times. We all muck in and have a good time. Try not to take it personally. Your kids will enjoy playing with their toys and you can do your own thing without having to please others. It’s not the end of the world. There are other days when you can get together when there is less pressure to get the day exactly right.

Are your brother’s kids older than yours? And less noisy? Is that what’s behind it.

This is how I feel, and I am not going to be doing anything for a while. Unfortunately they are already in old age, and guess who was the physical help and emotional support when Mum was in hospital for months?

For those saying there is a reason I can't think of any good reason why we can't be invited too, they have oodles of space.

I have so much of my own shit to sort out, have not got the emotional energy for this!!

Well it’s clear how grateful they are for your support when DM was in hospital - not very. So distance yourself and fill up your time with your own concerns and people who treat you better.

You are being used op, and it is sad to read your posts.

You are there for the grunt work, but they can't invite you to Christmas?

You don't owe your parents physical or emotional support when your own feelings and needs are not even taken into consideration.

You need to toughen up or get ready for feel a shit load of resentment.

Your right, it is only one day. Think I've got my thread title wrong, should be 'AIBU to feel upset by how my parents are treating me?'

Need to log off now - thanks for all the replies - and confirming I'm not over reacting 😘😘

YANBU but when you see them, to avoid the "difficult" tag - just mention coolly and calmly when the subject of Christmas comes up, that you were "disappointed" at the change of plan, and leave it at that. They then have to reply, and you do not need to react to what they say next. It sounds as though you know the socre with them. It will give you a chance to back off in future as regards care of your DM and DF. They are taking you for granted too much. Its a bit like the Prodigal Son situation. Your DB can pick up the slack?

I think they sound toxic OP, it definitely sounds like there is a golden child dynamic going on (and it's also common for them to lean on the other child(ren) for support when they need it as they can't possibly expect the golden child to put themself out).

Its rude to change arrangements in favour of someone else, and it's very rude to invite someone else in place of you. It's very telling that you feel like you can't do something as simple as telling them how you feel (especially over something that would upset the majority of people) without fear of them kicking off over it. That's not healthy (I mean on their side, not yours). I dont think you can speak to them about it and I dont think they will change, given their expected reaction to you expressing your feelings they are likely to deny it and blame you somehow (eg being 'over sensitive') however it's ok to slowly disengage so that you can try and protect yourself from them hurting you as much in the future

I wouldn't mention it - certainly not give them the satisfaction of saying that they think you are difficult!!
However I would remember and would be making my own plans - that dont include - them for every other xmas going forward.

Or you could cancel that and either say it doesn't suit you any more (essentially mirroring what they have said about Christmas) or if you prefer explain that you are hurt by the rearrangement and exclusion from Christmas Day and need a bit of space and time right now.

My mother has always spent Christmas with my sibling. I asked her to join us every year once I had my own home. I even asked her in September one year to "get in first". The response was no, I'll probably be at "sibling's". After she turned down spending our first dc's (her 1st gc) Christmas with us I stopped asking.
Parents can be hurtful when they prioritise one child over another.
We made our own traditions, have a lovely chilled out day & just relax and enjoy it.
Hope you have a lovely day 🎅 @Tooomanytimes . Don't let it get to you. 💐

That sounds hurtful and thoughtless of them. I would just plan something lovely for your own family and see your parents at another time.

Start some traditions that you can carry on yourselves.

We do not celebrate Christmas and one of the huge benefits is that we avoid all the potential family issues. Happy to see them any weekend but 25 December is no different to any other day.

Unless you're going to use this opportunity to ask them why are they excluding you, I wouldn't reward their behaviour with a visit from you and their grandchildren.

They have behaved badly.