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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I change my sons name to please my MIL?

459 replies

97DS · 15/11/2022 04:57

Ever since we found out baby was going to be a boy DH and I have had his name chosen. MIL has made subtle digs throughout pregnancy at how she’s not a fan of the name, and if we’ve considered anything else. I just dodge the question and ignore it because I don’t have the energy to argue with her. She can be very opinionated and very stubborn.
baby is now a week old, and not officially registered yet but we have announced his full name to friends/family/social media.
MIL has gone out of her way at every opportunity to make a comment on his name. Even after a traumatic birth which landed me in theatre with major haemorrhaging, her first text to DH was asking what baby’s name is going to be.

She’s been talking to family behind our back saying how disappointed she is, as well as pulling DH aside to privately ask if we would change the name. MIL is purposely avoiding saying his name, and has opted to calling him Jnr instead… That’s just the issue with his 1st name. Keep reading…

she also has a massive issue with his middle name too. DH has 2 middle names (X & Y) and when we chose baby’s name, we decided to use middle name Y so it followed the family tree as a tribute to the dads (Y runs quite far back in the male side of the family tree) and also, Y is my fathers middle name too so it seemed very sentimental to us all.
We’ve had a lot of compliments on his name from DH’s side of the family because we chose middle name Y. But MIL has kicked off BIG TIME. Pulling out crocodile tears and directly asking DH to change the middle name to something that tributes MIL’s family instead.
However, there’s only 2 male names to pick from if we were to consider it, and both names are awful, I genuinely don’t like them, and they don’t even go with baby boys 1st name, and would make the surname seem like a mouthful if you were to say it out loud.
My argument is, it’s not her baby so it’s not her business what his name is. She had the opportunity 30 years ago to tribute her family and that’s why DH’s middle name is X. But baby’s name isn’t meant to be a tribute to her family, it’s a tribute to DH’s family, as well as my own.

Yes we could just keep the peace and add a 2nd middle name that she wants, but I don’t want that. As his mother, I should be the one who has final say and I don’t want him to have 2 middle names, and I certainly don’t want to change his name under the pressure and influence of MIL. DH has agreed with me throughout pregnancy what his name is, but now MIL is getting into his head and playing a guilt card, DH is now having 2nd thoughts because he doesn’t like to upset MIL. I know it’s not what he wants either but his MIL is so good at minipulating everything to get her own way. She puts words into DH’s mouth and convinces him they’re his own. So now DH and I argue over this.
what’s your thoughts? AIBU to stick my guns and keep my sons name how it is, or should I reason with MIL, and change the name just to keep her happy?

OP posts:
Enko · 16/11/2022 19:11

Nope. Don't give in stick to your choice.

When ds was born and we announced his name my mother replied "That's HORRIBLE" FFW 11 years and she told me "I always liked the name Conrad it's such a good strong name".... it had become her grandson whom she loved.

Mil will get over it.

mags2024 · 16/11/2022 19:12

Absolutely not. l cannot say l was wild about my grand daughters name, probably more surprised as l had always just thought they were choose a more classic name. However l would rather cut my tongue out than upset my relationship with my dil. l also fear if you give in there may be other issues she may want to influence.

Annierob · 16/11/2022 19:18

Your baby, you choose the name.

thetis · 16/11/2022 19:19

You are being unreasonable to post this. No one in their right mind would consider changing their child's name in these circumstances

alexdgr8 · 16/11/2022 19:21

custardbear · Yesterday 05:07

Put words back into your DH's mouth 'we've already chosen his name and that's the end of it.
----------
yes. OP, you and your husband rehearse saying this phrase, both of you, and nothing else, whenever she alludes to the matter.

Mummyofmaniacs · 16/11/2022 19:27

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely son 🎈
Commiserations on having an evil MIL 👿
Go NOW and register your baby's name! (before you or DH get beaten down)
Enjoy him

dlizi4 · 16/11/2022 19:29

97DS · 15/11/2022 04:57

Ever since we found out baby was going to be a boy DH and I have had his name chosen. MIL has made subtle digs throughout pregnancy at how she’s not a fan of the name, and if we’ve considered anything else. I just dodge the question and ignore it because I don’t have the energy to argue with her. She can be very opinionated and very stubborn.
baby is now a week old, and not officially registered yet but we have announced his full name to friends/family/social media.
MIL has gone out of her way at every opportunity to make a comment on his name. Even after a traumatic birth which landed me in theatre with major haemorrhaging, her first text to DH was asking what baby’s name is going to be.

She’s been talking to family behind our back saying how disappointed she is, as well as pulling DH aside to privately ask if we would change the name. MIL is purposely avoiding saying his name, and has opted to calling him Jnr instead… That’s just the issue with his 1st name. Keep reading…

she also has a massive issue with his middle name too. DH has 2 middle names (X & Y) and when we chose baby’s name, we decided to use middle name Y so it followed the family tree as a tribute to the dads (Y runs quite far back in the male side of the family tree) and also, Y is my fathers middle name too so it seemed very sentimental to us all.
We’ve had a lot of compliments on his name from DH’s side of the family because we chose middle name Y. But MIL has kicked off BIG TIME. Pulling out crocodile tears and directly asking DH to change the middle name to something that tributes MIL’s family instead.
However, there’s only 2 male names to pick from if we were to consider it, and both names are awful, I genuinely don’t like them, and they don’t even go with baby boys 1st name, and would make the surname seem like a mouthful if you were to say it out loud.
My argument is, it’s not her baby so it’s not her business what his name is. She had the opportunity 30 years ago to tribute her family and that’s why DH’s middle name is X. But baby’s name isn’t meant to be a tribute to her family, it’s a tribute to DH’s family, as well as my own.

Yes we could just keep the peace and add a 2nd middle name that she wants, but I don’t want that. As his mother, I should be the one who has final say and I don’t want him to have 2 middle names, and I certainly don’t want to change his name under the pressure and influence of MIL. DH has agreed with me throughout pregnancy what his name is, but now MIL is getting into his head and playing a guilt card, DH is now having 2nd thoughts because he doesn’t like to upset MIL. I know it’s not what he wants either but his MIL is so good at minipulating everything to get her own way. She puts words into DH’s mouth and convinces him they’re his own. So now DH and I argue over this.
what’s your thoughts? AIBU to stick my guns and keep my sons name how it is, or should I reason with MIL, and change the name just to keep her happy?

IMO, It is you and DH's child, nobody else's opinion matters. People who love you both and the child should be accepting of your decisions and if you both love the name then THAT is the name! For me, a gazillion names were thrown around ( mostly to piss off my mum lol) she liked none of them - evil laugh - I swear for a month i daily gave a flower name, she hated all (so did i and i knew it ws a boy, she did not lol) Then I started on continents and random names . On the day he was born, she exclaimed OMG! I was liking the name India for a girl. 🙄
Sometimes you can not do right for doing wrong - in others eyes - but it's not their life or child, it is yours and they are extremely lucky to be part of that I say
and wish you and yours every best wish and hope those lucky peeps take part!

Patricia333 · 16/11/2022 19:40

Coming in late to the debate but, OP, please please stick to your guns.

My DD will be 40 next month. DH and I chose names A and B. The “announcement” in 1982 was by card and newspaper. One week later, MIL nabs DH to say she doesn’t like “B” - it was her MIL’s name and she doesn’t want it for her DGD even though she’d given it to her own daughter. “B” is a name I have always liked and is in both our families. But MIL claimed her MIL was an awful women. DD not yet registered so time to change our minds. After prolonged discussion, my DH suggested a variation of “B” and I gave in. Regret it to this day.

You like it - that is all that matters.

Anomonda · 16/11/2022 19:41

I wouldn’t let her in the house until she apologised. Nothing like a MIL to ruin the most life changing / important / emotional first memories with your baby. She basically has no respect for you or your DH. I’d tell her to get to f* and wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

Glostergull · 16/11/2022 19:52

stick to your guns and also Move to Wales to help understanding of Your Welsh heritage. Well your Husbands anyway. Lovely Bubbly Wales. support them in the World Cup, Learn the song We're still here and the Welsh National anthem. I think giving your son a Welsh Name is Wonderfull. if she wouldn't visit you if you lived in Wales then she is showing her racist roots

MrsLighthouse · 16/11/2022 20:12

Keep the name/s you like and refuse to discuss it further. She sound like a child herself 🙄

MakeMineABourbon · 16/11/2022 20:37

Under no circumstances should you bend to her. How dare she! This time should be so special to you and your husband and your child’s name is your decision and yours alone. If you relent, you would regret it whenever you said his name!! Tell her straight to stop bullying you and that she’s ruining what should be a precious time.

Backtoblack1 · 16/11/2022 20:42

97DS · 15/11/2022 05:10

She’s just not a fan of the spelling, or pronunciation. It’s a Welsh name, because DH is Welsh, but she’s not Welsh and since divorcing DH’s Welsh father may years ago she has taken a dislike to anything that associates, including a Welsh name.

Love Welsh names and spellings. Stupid woman

Tiredalwaystired · 16/11/2022 20:47

She’s got the rest of her life to get used to it. Eventually it will just be the name of her grandson and she will forget she ever had an issue. Dont give in and regret it.

sittingonthedockofebay · 16/11/2022 21:14

My mil did this too. Elder son is named after his father, ie her son.
Why do you want to call him that? Christopher is a nice name.
Daughter number two. Why are you calling her that? What about Dawn or Tammy, they’re nice names.
Daughter three. What? That’s a dogs name, cousin Chris called her German Shepherd that.
That name was actually Rose.

So OP, ignore the interfering old witch and call your baby whatever you like.

Many congratulations, btw.

mumyes · 16/11/2022 21:29

Do not change it. You will resent her forever & it will damage your relationship with her.

She'll get over it.

MrsH89 · 16/11/2022 21:51

Absolutely stick to your guns OP.
She's being ridiculous! This is yours and your husbands baby not hers. The issue with anything Welsh is beyond childish too... in fact I'd happily make you a baby vest with your little ones name along side a big welsh flag FOC to wear on her next visit

MrsGrumpyKnickers · 16/11/2022 21:55

Stick to your guns. Your baby’s name is the choice of you and your DH only and it sounds like you have been accommodating to both sides of the family. Your MIL needs to wind her neck in.

Itskarentoyou · 16/11/2022 22:05

I feel quite angry on your behalf about this cos it’s straight out of my MILs playbook. Not that she did this about kids names but pretty much everything else in our lives; everything I do, say, wear, think, feed the kids, dress the kids, do with the kids and so on, DH says nothing and would rather argue with me afterwards. It’s not really about the thing that’s being picked at, it’s about having power over a DIL, proving you can still have control and the delight of winning when your DH doesn’t stand up for you. It’s tragic really. You’ll never ever win. I’ve had it for nearly 20 years, god it’s exhausting and pretty much the only cause of tension in our marriage. I made the mistake all those years ago of letting it happen, being young, polite, not standing up for myself, letting myself get walked over and bullied and it set a precedent. It feels impossible to change the situation. The sad thing is, we would include her in our lives so much more if this weren’t the case so in the end MILs like this also lose. Please stick to your guns, stand up for yourself and you’ll be amazed what might happen.

eastegg · 16/11/2022 22:13

A580Hojas · 15/11/2022 06:45

I have no idea why you've written that massively long post. What a wate of effort! Obviously you don't change the name!

This is exactly what I thought.

Catastrophejane · 16/11/2022 22:19

@97DS i came on to say what CF your MIL is, however….

Am going to play Devils advocate here.

There might be a bit more to this…( though she is still BU!)

was you IL’s divorce really bitter? maybe she feels she’s been sidelined from you DH’s family and this is another example of her being airbrushed out?

if my DS announced he’d named his baby after my ex-H, I’d be pretty pissed off ( and I know that’s irrational!!). It would feel like my family roots weren’t considered as important and it would be a kick in the teeth when my ex has been a feckless parent while I’ve worked hard to give him a good life.

this is one for your DH to broach with his mum. I think she may need some reassurance that she is an important part of this baby’s life.

BobDear · 16/11/2022 22:35

Don't even think about it

She will get over it in about 3 months

Your DS will have his name for a lifetime.

Grrrrdarling · 16/11/2022 22:57

97DS · 15/11/2022 04:57

Ever since we found out baby was going to be a boy DH and I have had his name chosen. MIL has made subtle digs throughout pregnancy at how she’s not a fan of the name, and if we’ve considered anything else. I just dodge the question and ignore it because I don’t have the energy to argue with her. She can be very opinionated and very stubborn.
baby is now a week old, and not officially registered yet but we have announced his full name to friends/family/social media.
MIL has gone out of her way at every opportunity to make a comment on his name. Even after a traumatic birth which landed me in theatre with major haemorrhaging, her first text to DH was asking what baby’s name is going to be.

She’s been talking to family behind our back saying how disappointed she is, as well as pulling DH aside to privately ask if we would change the name. MIL is purposely avoiding saying his name, and has opted to calling him Jnr instead… That’s just the issue with his 1st name. Keep reading…

she also has a massive issue with his middle name too. DH has 2 middle names (X & Y) and when we chose baby’s name, we decided to use middle name Y so it followed the family tree as a tribute to the dads (Y runs quite far back in the male side of the family tree) and also, Y is my fathers middle name too so it seemed very sentimental to us all.
We’ve had a lot of compliments on his name from DH’s side of the family because we chose middle name Y. But MIL has kicked off BIG TIME. Pulling out crocodile tears and directly asking DH to change the middle name to something that tributes MIL’s family instead.
However, there’s only 2 male names to pick from if we were to consider it, and both names are awful, I genuinely don’t like them, and they don’t even go with baby boys 1st name, and would make the surname seem like a mouthful if you were to say it out loud.
My argument is, it’s not her baby so it’s not her business what his name is. She had the opportunity 30 years ago to tribute her family and that’s why DH’s middle name is X. But baby’s name isn’t meant to be a tribute to her family, it’s a tribute to DH’s family, as well as my own.

Yes we could just keep the peace and add a 2nd middle name that she wants, but I don’t want that. As his mother, I should be the one who has final say and I don’t want him to have 2 middle names, and I certainly don’t want to change his name under the pressure and influence of MIL. DH has agreed with me throughout pregnancy what his name is, but now MIL is getting into his head and playing a guilt card, DH is now having 2nd thoughts because he doesn’t like to upset MIL. I know it’s not what he wants either but his MIL is so good at minipulating everything to get her own way. She puts words into DH’s mouth and convinces him they’re his own. So now DH and I argue over this.
what’s your thoughts? AIBU to stick my guns and keep my sons name how it is, or should I reason with MIL, and change the name just to keep her happy?

Tell her nicely to grow up & get over it.
Your child takes whatever name you, as a couple, want.
If she is so fussed about the name she doesn’t need to see him that way she doesn’t have to use the name!

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 16/11/2022 23:18

Tell your MIL to keep her opinions to herself. If you give in now on this then she'll continue trying to control your life in ways you can't even imagine right now. Don't be bossed around by this awful woman. You and your DH need to stand firm, let your DH know it's not up for discussion as you have already chosen baby's name. Explain it fully again if you want to but then make it clear that's the end of it and you won't be discussing it again. Congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy 💙 enjoy every second and don't let MIL spoil it.

stacyvaron · 17/11/2022 00:13

It's every parents privilege to name their child. Unless you're naming him something that will get him something outlandish like Rainbow Rosebud Bunnyman Jones, tell her to fluff off. ALSO, please let her know that you will not tolerate her interference in your childrearing. It's hard to set boundries, especially when you're feeling tender and vulnerable, but it's best to start from the start and establish who your son's mother is (and who it is not).