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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking 2 year old out

57 replies

Icantspeakrightnow · 15/11/2022 04:57

Ok so I get on really well with my MIL. We have a great relationship. She offers me lots of support with DS who is 2 years 4 months. She sees him 3 times a week and will take him out every week too. I do trust her but obviously any time he isn’t With me I worry (I have intrusive thoughts about him running off from her, being snatched, getting injured etc).

this is where I need opinions. I’m totally happy with her taking him to the park, local playgroups, local soft plays etc but she’s wanting to go further and further afield with him and it’s making me uncomfortable the thought of being 10+ miles away from him.

Im heavily pregnant SAHM so it’s nice for me to have a break but I’m struggling to relax whilst he’s out.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her to stay locally? I don’t want to come across ungrateful but what’s the point in having a break if I can’t relax. In my view he has his whole childhood to be going off far away and he’s only 2 and I want him close by. But I am open to the thought that I could be being overprotective too. I think my pregnancy hormones are making me anxious too.

Yabu - take the support and let your child have a variety of experiences

Yanbu - I wouldn’t be comfortable either

OP posts:
custardbear · 15/11/2022 05:09

Tell her that! You can't relax if he's a distance away but you need to as you're heavily pregnant - tell her it's crazy hormones but they're real to you
Good luck

MonsteraDeliciosas · 15/11/2022 05:30

YABU imo - your intrusive thoughts are your issue and need help, not just pandering to them.

caroleanboneparte · 15/11/2022 05:36

These aren't rational or reasonable thoughts. You need help with your anxiety or it will only get worse.

ZekeZeke · 15/11/2022 05:37

YABU and need to relax.
Distance won't accelerate an accident..in fact statistically more accidents happen close to home.

Knittinglikemad · 15/11/2022 05:38

You would maybe benefit from speaking with someone in the Perinatal Mental Health team, pregnancy hormones play havoc with our minds at times & they can talk you through your fears, please don’t let it fester & cause you upset, speak with your midwife & let yourself enjoy the free time before your little one arrives.

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2022 05:49

Why do you think he’s more likely to be kidnapped if he’s over a 10 mile radius away? It sounds like you should ask for some mental health support

Chomolungma · 15/11/2022 05:52

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with MIL, try to relax and enjoy the break! DS will be fine.

rustcohlesmug · 15/11/2022 06:15

Why does concern about your MIL being with your 2 year old over 10+ miles away make your sound barmy? I love my MIL but I too would feel uncomfortable with this - especially as she has health issues. It’s ok to feel some anxiety about someone else caring for your child. Do what’s right for you OP.

startfresh · 15/11/2022 06:24

I think it's less about it being more likely to happen and more about not being able to get there quickly if something did happen.

At least when I've felt like that. I like to know my DC is within a short distance and would be nervous if too far away. I do have anxiety, though. And I don't do or allow my child to do things that I feel uncomfortable with.

It slowly eases and boundaries change but I think if your MIL cares about you, she will be understanding if you explain.

Original poster
Icantspeakrightnow · 15/11/2022 07:39

Thanks for all opinions so far.
i still have intrusive thoughts and worry when they are round the corner but am able to talk myself down a lot easier. I think as a previous poster said it’s more about if something happened I could be there quickly. Which I guess is kind of irrational.

I’m surprised by the amount of people that would be happy with a big (ish) distance between them and their toddler. Perhaps I do need help. It’s so hard to know what is normal mama worries and what is over the top. I don’t want to inhibit my child but he is still so little and vulnerable.

I think perhaps I’m having separation anxiety before the impending arrival of new sibling (which will obviously separate me and Ds in a lot of ways).

OP posts:
Beachbabe1 · 15/11/2022 07:47

You and your son are very very lucky!!! Some dont have the luxury of help or an amazing mother in law!

PuttingDownRoots · 15/11/2022 07:47

When DD1 was little we lived in the countryside... I was over 10 miles away at the supermarket. So the distance thing really wasn't a worry.

Is it that you want to be able to get their quickly in case of an incident? I can understand that logic.

At one point in my life, My depression was at a state where I couldn't go anywhere in case DDs needed me, despite being g at school. Moving past it has made their lives (and mine) a lot more fulfilling and healthy. Unfortunately it is something that is down to the individual. Take baby steps... half day out somewhere. Or go somewhere yourself.

YellowTreeHouse · 15/11/2022 07:47

YANBU. I wouldn’t allow it. Local or not at all.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/11/2022 07:52

ZekeZeke · 15/11/2022 05:37

YABU and need to relax.
Distance won't accelerate an accident..in fact statistically more accidents happen close to home.

But that doesn't mean anything. Most people stay close to home so most of the accidents would be close to home! And people relax on the return journey, too. They are more likely to concentrate when they are further from home.

Snnowflake · 15/11/2022 07:55

What is she taken DGC to - the beach for a walk / the town centre to shop? Makes a difference. Also sleeping in the car can make bedtime more tricky.

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 15/11/2022 07:59

10 miles is nothing for a lot of families. I work as a nanny and for some rural families i'd have to travel at least 8 miles with the toddler to get to a supermarket!

Sometimes we'd go maybe 20miles on the bus (I didn't drive then) to get to the museum or to see a theatre show.

I understand where you're coming from, OP but I would still suggest mentioning your concerns to your midwife or someone. Your fears are rational but exaggerated. You are letting them ruin your peace of mind and hindering your DS' relationship with his grandmother.

toomuchlaundry · 15/11/2022 08:01

When I went back to work after maternity leave I chose the nursery closer to work rather than home (20 mile commute) as I wanted my baby closer to me.

Mindymomo · 15/11/2022 08:03

Why does she need to take grandchild that far away. My MIL used to take my DC on mystery tours in the car, up until her late 70’s. I wasn’t particularly happy with it, but they loved it. I did tell her I would only be happy her doing this just locally.

CaronPoivre · 15/11/2022 08:04

Get help with your intrusive thoughts rather than undermining your positive relationship or creating limitations on your son that don’t need to exist.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 15/11/2022 08:08

Op I totally relate. It’s irrational and can be hormone related but doesn’t mean the anxiety isn’t real. Is your MIL fit / a good driver? If you know she is then that’s something you can focus on. I have a MIL who has a few mobility problems and struggles to walk down steps holding my baby etc, my DP is in denial of his mums health and wants her to have baby and I have literally lay awake at night worrying all night ! Not normal I know but I can’t help it. I think if you can reassure yourself MIL is with it and able to keep DS close you may feel better ? Could you go with them on a trip and see how she is maybe taking him on a play park etc (obviously don’t make it obvious you’re doing that, as she’ll be hurt).

it might make you feel a little better?
all in all though don’t beat yourself up anxiety is horrible

Blueeyedgirl21 · 15/11/2022 08:10

Sorry should have said DP wants his mum to have baby she hasn’t yet as she’s not needed to but I’ve laid awake worrying about what if one day I get invited ina weekend trip or something and he just takes baby round and leaves his mum with her all day when I’m out etc

I know I sound insane 🙈

JustLyra · 15/11/2022 08:19

If you trust her and she’s taking him good places then do try to relax.

I have a wonderful MIL and she’s built an amazing relationship with my kids. Honestly it’s lovely to see. Last weekend she went off to London to catch up with our uni age girls, that they have such a relationship even as young adults is brilliant.

It’s not odd or wrong that you’re nervous about it. Just try and focus on the food things your DC is getting out of it.

Mamamia7962 · 15/11/2022 08:23

You need to speak to your midwife OP and share your fears with them. They will be understanding and able to give you the help you need. Your thoughts are irrational but that is the anxiety possibly caused by pregnancy hormones.

Your son is safe with your MIL. Don't forget she too is a mother as well as grandmother and raised your husband.

Newlifestartingatlast · 15/11/2022 08:37

Icantspeakrightnow · 15/11/2022 07:39

Thanks for all opinions so far.
i still have intrusive thoughts and worry when they are round the corner but am able to talk myself down a lot easier. I think as a previous poster said it’s more about if something happened I could be there quickly. Which I guess is kind of irrational.

I’m surprised by the amount of people that would be happy with a big (ish) distance between them and their toddler. Perhaps I do need help. It’s so hard to know what is normal mama worries and what is over the top. I don’t want to inhibit my child but he is still so little and vulnerable.

I think perhaps I’m having separation anxiety before the impending arrival of new sibling (which will obviously separate me and Ds in a lot of ways).

If you have a lovely relationship with MIL, talk to her. Tell her you are aware you are probably being a bit batshit crazy due to pregnancy hormones, but are getting really really anxious at thought of not being able to get to dc if emergency happened really quickly. Ask her for her thoughts.
There are things she might suggest to help you manage the anxiety- making regular calls to you or text to reassure you everything is ok, gradually increasing distance/time, or not going further until this is hormones are a bit more nomralised
i think nice new baby comes along, you’ll realise that your current dc is quite “grown up” now and not the helpless “baby” you are struggling to separate from- all normal . But a first child tends to look and sound so much bigger and grown up when the little one arrives, and you may find you become far less anxious very quickly.

take MIL into your confidence, tell her the problem and see what she can come up with…phrase it like how did you manage? Or how would you have managed it ?

Mariposista · 15/11/2022 08:38

Beachbabe1 · 15/11/2022 07:47

You and your son are very very lucky!!! Some dont have the luxury of help or an amazing mother in law!

This ^ you need to get a grip.