MIL taking 2 year old out

[Icantspeakrightnow]

Ok so I get on really well with my MIL. We have a great relationship. She offers me lots of support with DS who is 2 years 4 months. She sees him 3 times a week and will take him out every week too. I do trust her but obviously any time he isn’t With me I worry (I have intrusive thoughts about him running off from her, being snatched, getting injured etc).

this is where I need opinions. I’m totally happy with her taking him to the park, local playgroups, local soft plays etc but she’s wanting to go further and further afield with him and it’s making me uncomfortable the thought of being 10+ miles away from him.

Im heavily pregnant SAHM so it’s nice for me to have a break but I’m struggling to relax whilst he’s out.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her to stay locally? I don’t want to come across ungrateful but what’s the point in having a break if I can’t relax. In my view he has his whole childhood to be going off far away and he’s only 2 and I want him close by. But I am open to the thought that I could be being overprotective too. I think my pregnancy hormones are making me anxious too.

Yabu - take the support and let your child have a variety of experiences

Yanbu - I wouldn’t be comfortable either

Your poor child. You need to put them above your anxieties.

Well I have similar ages dgd and live 15 miles from them l have her at mine one full day a week at least and sleep overs each month. From mine we go to the city, the beach, wildlife trust and many others and have visited friends 50 miles away with her. I give a considerable amount of my free time to help make life easier for them and to have a good relationship with my dgc. I would be hurt and amazed if my daughter tried to limit my distance.
You should read the posts where mums are on their knees with tiredness and never get a break, you are creating a problem and should get help with the anxiety rather than shoot yourself in the foot.
My daughter can do her demanding job or be at home or socialise , knowing child in safe hands if someone who she trusts completely.

i still have intrusive thoughts and worry when they are round the corner

This sounds exhausting and to be honest, I'm a little worried about your mental health if you feel like this. How will you cope with two DC? What about when they are at nursery/school? Do you worry about other family members or friends when they are not in your line of sight?

I think you might need some professional advice or counselling to help you unpick why you are so anxious.

I think you are unusually anxious about this - but then mine were in childcare at that age so I was used to being apart from them.

I would talk to your MIL about it - just be honest that even though it's probably irrational because you do trust her, you're not feeling comfortable with it - perhaps you can gradually increase the distance she goes?

She has been pregnant too so will understand that pregnant women do sometimes get anxious and protective

Cannot believe OP is being told to ‘get a grip’. This is about the third thread in two days where someone has talked about struggling with anxiety and MH and been told they’re selfish and to get a grip. No wonder no one ever wants to talk about these things.

I chose YABU and then thought I have a bit of a cheek as I'm the same with my daughter. But we are both maybe BU. I even tried CBT for my intrusive thoughts but it didn't help.

@RedHelenB

How is my child poor!? What in my post actually gives you an inkling. My DC is off right now with grandma having play time with friends.

I don't want my child over 1.5 hours drive from me with other family members when they can be within a half hour drive. My child's life is not impeded.

My DC has a great life and is a constantly happy little thing.

By uncomfortable I mean "let's go on a day trip to Edinburgh" or "let's give my brother, who has no child experience, DC for a week".

Not "oh no you can't play on a slide" my anxiety isn't that restrictive. And there are some things that I push my boundaries for (for the sake of my child) but they are in no means a "poor child" or missing out.

I agree, OP has recognised there’s an issue and opened up for some perspective and support. I think we can all agree that’s better than just stopping the days out without trying to make it work.

I wonder whether the further away days out tend to be longer days and that’s the root of the issue? I think there’s room for a compromise here. I also don’t think it’s really that serious if you’re just not comfortable with regularly being far apart from your young child yet, it’s definitely a journey and something you grow accustomed to with time.

Gently, you need to not let your anxiety hold your kids back.

I know better than most that is easier said than done but that’s part of the journey we go on as parents

YABU bizarre.

Oh bless you, @Icantspeakrightnow
Hormones, anxiety etc are a real bugger. Try to do something nice for yourself when MIL & DC are out, by the time number 2 baby is here, I bet you'll be too busy to worry. :-)
We are mums, though, it's kind of in the job description.. if it gets too much, speak to your midwife. Hugs..

As someone who suffers from anxiety I get it, but this worry is not rational or justified, and letting it dictate your MIL and child's relationships and activities is poorly thinking I'm afraid.

I appreciate all the kind comments and advice.

I always knew posting this there would be a spectrum of what people are generally comfortable with - I guess I just wanted to see where I sat on that spectrum.

I think becoming a new mum during Covid/lockdown has left its mark and perhaps I am too overprotective of DS.

I know I’m lucky to be offered so much support by MIL. I get that some people who have no support are perhaps triggered by this thread content, hence the lack of sensitivity.

I think given how pregnant I am, rather than ‘getting a grip’ I’ll just try and be kind to myself and also speak to MiL and perhaps midwife when I get to see her.

But he could have the time of his life and some great memories going to Edinburgh or staying with your brother. And the risk of something awful happening is so minescule, it doesn't outweigh the possible reward .

YABVU.

The woman has more years experience of raising children than you do, unless she is exceptionally idiotic (which it sounds like she isn’t based on the fact you trust her) it’s very unreasonable to object to her taking him a short way away.

It seems Grandparents can't win. Don't offer childcare, you are the world's worst person, Offer childcare and you are not suitable enough as you are old and have no experience and need to dance to every demand that is made. No wonder some Grandparents don't bother.

@slowquickstep what an immature comment. Completely missing the point of my post.

Life is not as black and white as you are suggesting.

I am allowed to value my MiLs support whilst also struggling with being separated from my small child. Those two things can coexist.

He's going to be a lot more vulnerable when he's 18-21. Are you going to keep him within 10 miles then?

He needs to establish independence from you otherwise you are building up big problems for the future.

Also think about how you want DILs to see you in the future.

@slowquickstep pathetic post

Just say to her “ I know I am being silly, but my hormones are all over the place at the moment and the idea of you going so far makes me uncomfortable. I know it’s not rational and I can’t explain it, but would you mind pandering to me at the moment”

im sure your MIL is well used to the odd thoughts that can crop up in pregnancy from time to time. Just paint it as entirely your problem not hers

He has no concept of distance though, does he? He’s establishing the same level independence if MIL takes him to nearer places if that’s what helps OP adjust.

I think this is anxiety and you should speak with your midwife. It seems utterly foreign to me to worry about this, but then I am not you. 10 miles isn’t far at all, in my book- I thought you were going to say overseas.

I am not going to say “get a grip” but I also disagree with those saying to just paint it as your problem and tell her “no”. I think that’s avoiding the issue and just “indulging” (for want of a better word) your irrational thinking. I don’t think that will help in the long run, as these things often get worse in the immediate term with the arrival of a newborn not better.

best wishes.

Don’t ruin a good thing! Sounds like she’s excited to take him to places they can explore together and an alive, well grandparent with time to devote to your child is such a gift.

In the more rural parts of the country 10 miles is local, in my case it's the distance to Aldi!