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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to split Christmas fairly

54 replies

EffervescentBanana · 14/11/2022 18:55

Just me and DH, no DC (yet). We live half an hour from his family - one mum and two brothers. My family are huge and about 3 hours away (but geographically disperse as they're an hour/90 mins from each other).

Every year we argue about which family to spend Christmas with. I would be happy to do:

  • One year - MIL
  • Second year - my mum (and her partner, partner's family etc)
  • Third year - my dad (and his partner, partner's family etc)
  • and repeat

He would prefer to do:

  • one year - his family
  • second year - my mum etc
  • third year - his family
  • fourth year - my dad etc
  • and repeat

It wouldn't be possible to host one of my parents with his mum and brothers, because it would be too many people. My parents' partners have large families who we would need to accommodate. I have siblings with nieces and nephews so we'd need to invite them as well.

I think my model is fairer because he sees his own family quite a lot, whereas it's significantly harder to see my own. It also wouldn't be a great experience seeing my mum and dad on Christmas Day as they're 90 minutes drive from each other. This might be the only time I'm seeing them for a couple of months so I'm reluctant to only spend half a day with them.

The model of 'one year his family, one year my family' doesn't work because my family are complicated, large and I don't see them often. Whereas he sees his family lots.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jalepenojello · 14/11/2022 18:56

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable really. I understand his point.

is there any reason you can’t see your family more outside of Christmas…?

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 14/11/2022 18:58

None of the above. Don’t get into any sort of pattern with this sort of stuff.

We do our own thing on Xmas day. There are bloody hundreds of them in DH’s family (4 hours away). Just 4 in my family (30 mins away). We see neither for Xmas.

Original poster
EffervescentBanana · 14/11/2022 18:58

Jalepenojello · 14/11/2022 18:56

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable really. I understand his point.

is there any reason you can’t see your family more outside of Christmas…?

Thanks for replying. Not really, it's just a long distance

OP posts:
OnceAgainWithFeeling · 14/11/2022 18:58

(I hate Xmas with a passion so definitely don’t want loads of people around me.)

SquirrelsHide · 14/11/2022 18:59

I think his version is fairer - Xmas is different to seeing people at other times of the year. But as soon as you have your own kids, stay at home - makes it much easier all round!

StickyCricket · 14/11/2022 19:00

If I were starting again I’d say do not get into any kind of “routine”, I speak from bitter experience.

But if you are going to get into “turns” then I’m with your DH, sorry.

rainonasunnyday · 14/11/2022 19:00

why can’t you m go to your respective parents and spend christmas apart?

if not i think it’s on you to see your family more, you could see them in the surround Christmas period but I think Xmas day should be split by his preference

SerenaTee · 14/11/2022 19:03

I’m with your DH, your rota means you see your family twice in 3 years and he sees his once in 3 years.

ShowOfHands · 14/11/2022 19:04

Can you have a Christmas period instead of a Christmas Day only?

We see, for example, my parents on Christmas Day and Boxing Day and then DH's family later in December. This year, we're actually doing Xmas #2 on January 1st.

I love seeing family (both sides) and am happy to have more than one celebration.

luxxlisbon · 14/11/2022 19:05

Eh I disagree with the posters and think your version is fairer. It’s not your fault your parents are split up, they don’t count as one family when they aren’t.

OovoofWelcome · 14/11/2022 19:08

His is fairer I’m afraid. It’s a tough one.

Buttercupmoon · 14/11/2022 19:08

How about this...

One year His family
Then your mum
Then you and your dad, and he goes to his family
Then his family
Then your dad

hilditchoriental · 14/11/2022 19:10

StickyCricket · 14/11/2022 19:00

If I were starting again I’d say do not get into any kind of “routine”, I speak from bitter experience.

But if you are going to get into “turns” then I’m with your DH, sorry.

Eek, I've been petitioning DH to get into a routine - is it a bad idea then? I thought it would just avoid the annual conversation about where we'll go.

StopFeckingFaffing · 14/11/2022 19:15

If you want to follow a set pattern then his suggestion is fairer than yours IMHO

I would not want to only see my family every third year just because my DH's family was more complicated

ScrabbleChamp64 · 14/11/2022 19:19

None of the above. As our family has grown up, changed and expanded I’ve realised the best way to do Christmas is to just be flexible.

SIL is on a strict 3 year rotation but I don’t think it’s going to work like she things it will because it assumes the people you are rotating with will also have no other plans.

Talk to your family about what is most important to them - to my mum it is that she gets one day over the Christmas period with all her children, partners and grandchildren together and to do that she accepts it might not be Christmas Day.

When everyone has a partner and people start having kids you just have to learn to roll with it and do something that seems vaguely equitable.

Dogsgottabone · 14/11/2022 19:20

We do 'all welcome at our house'. Anyone who chooses not to come, we see another day.

StickyCricket · 14/11/2022 19:23

hilditchoriental · 14/11/2022 19:10

Eek, I've been petitioning DH to get into a routine - is it a bad idea then? I thought it would just avoid the annual conversation about where we'll go.

Show quote history

It’s all ok until something out of the ordinary happens - like my mum is quite ill and she and my dad would be alone this Christmas (loads of fun for my dad), but because it’s DH’s family’s “turn”, this cannot possibly be deviated from, even in extenuating circumstances Hmm.

Or you know, one year you just fancy doing something different - shock horror!

icecoffeeisland · 14/11/2022 19:23

It's very unfair to expect him to have only one out of three Christmas Days with his family, while you get two out of three with yours. I think the difference in distance is irrelevant, Christmas is a special day and you should both get equal opportunity to spend it with family. When it's your turn there's nothing stopping you from visiting both in one day, or one on Christmas Day and one on Boxing Day. Or you could just visit your respective families separately.

UnCivil · 14/11/2022 19:24

I voted YANBU but I’ve changed my mind. I think it should be every other year but when it’s your families turn, try and arrange see to see mum Christmas Day and Dad on Boxing Day and then swap over every second year

Enko · 14/11/2022 19:28

You both have a point

You want to regularly see your family and see mum and dad as separate so feels dhs suggestion favours his family

He doesn't see your mum and dad as separate and feels your suggestion favours your family

You need to work out how you want to resolve this there is literally no way to make this "fair" from the pow you have

personally, I would do yours however I have divorced parents so I know the separate feeling of mum and dads places. your dh likely doesn't get this?

Chomolungma · 14/11/2022 19:29

Hmm, we see my family more than DH's (due to distance reasons), but I would still expect to spend Christmas with my family as often as with his (although admittedly we don't have the added complication of divorced parents). Sorry OP.

FelicityFlops · 14/11/2022 19:33

As far as I know there is no law that stipulates you HAVE to spend Christmas with anyone (family included) that you do not want to.
If you want to stay at home, do it. If you want to invite family, also fine. If you want to visit family, absolutely acceptable.
The issue is the "synthetic" Family Christmas.
Do what you want to?

thecatsthecats · 14/11/2022 19:35

UnCivil · 14/11/2022 19:24

I voted YANBU but I’ve changed my mind. I think it should be every other year but when it’s your families turn, try and arrange see to see mum Christmas Day and Dad on Boxing Day and then swap over every second year

This. If both parents have large families, it's not like they're being left alone. Seeing them over Christmas Eve to Boxing Day is fine.

And get used to the idea of Christmas splintering into smaller Christmases. The sooner people let go of the idea of everyone having to be there, the better.

I thought that it would be sad to have Christmas without my sister, but it was actually nice.

MIL is currently struggling with the fact that BIL won't be there for the first time, but part of the problem is that she seems to have expected us all to come to her forever.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 14/11/2022 19:36

I was your oh in this situation as my dh has divorced parents.

We did what you're proposing for about 4/5 years and tbh it was a nightmare. We'd see my family on Boxing Day or sometime around Christmas but we were here there and everywhere. One year we had 3 Christmas dinners over 5 days.

I do not recommend rotations.

Now we go where we want and what makes sense hosting wise and see other parents around Christmas when we get chance. It's not about being 'fair' necessarily, we now both enjoy our Christmas.

neverbeenskiing · 14/11/2022 19:48

If I were starting again I’d say do not get into any kind of “routine”, I speak from bitter experience.

Oh god, me too! Such a mistake and really hard to extricate yourself from once expectations have been set. Many years ago before DC we got into "taking turns" in an effort to keep things "fair" for both sets of DP's. But what I realised belatedly is that this meant both families saw their "turn" as being set in stone. Regardless of what was going on in our lives (work, bereavements, arrival of DC, illness, house moves etc) it was assumed we would to stick to the schedule, and great offence would be taken if we didn't. I remember PIL throwing an absolute wobbly when I wanted to spend Christmas day with my Grandfather who had just been told he only had a few months to live, because my side of the family "had their turn last year". If I had my time again I would never have gotten into the taking turns and said we'll please ourselves and do what we feel like doing each year.

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