Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to split Christmas fairly

54 replies

EffervescentBanana · 14/11/2022 18:55

Just me and DH, no DC (yet). We live half an hour from his family - one mum and two brothers. My family are huge and about 3 hours away (but geographically disperse as they're an hour/90 mins from each other).

Every year we argue about which family to spend Christmas with. I would be happy to do:

  • One year - MIL
  • Second year - my mum (and her partner, partner's family etc)
  • Third year - my dad (and his partner, partner's family etc)
  • and repeat

He would prefer to do:

  • one year - his family
  • second year - my mum etc
  • third year - his family
  • fourth year - my dad etc
  • and repeat

It wouldn't be possible to host one of my parents with his mum and brothers, because it would be too many people. My parents' partners have large families who we would need to accommodate. I have siblings with nieces and nephews so we'd need to invite them as well.

I think my model is fairer because he sees his own family quite a lot, whereas it's significantly harder to see my own. It also wouldn't be a great experience seeing my mum and dad on Christmas Day as they're 90 minutes drive from each other. This might be the only time I'm seeing them for a couple of months so I'm reluctant to only spend half a day with them.

The model of 'one year his family, one year my family' doesn't work because my family are complicated, large and I don't see them often. Whereas he sees his family lots.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BosaNova · 14/11/2022 19:51

Do it differently and spend time with all around Christmas and Christmas day together without any future obligations to anyone about 25th.
My family always dis 24th (main day with presents) at home, 25th dinner with one side, 26th dinner eith the other side. You can split it into week or so

Wishawisha · 14/11/2022 19:53

I’m team no routine especially if you’re planning children and may one day want to start your own traditions without either side feeling aggrieved that the other side got more / got the baby’s first Christmas before you decided to stay at home the next year etc etc..

BUT if you have to do a routine, I’m team DH sorry. 50/50

LadyT27 · 14/11/2022 19:56

Sorry, your DH's is the fair option.

Abcdefu · 14/11/2022 19:59

1 year - Christmas day your mum
Boxing day your day
2nd year - hs family
3rd year - Christmas day your dad boxing day you mum
4th year his family

Daisy38 · 14/11/2022 20:01

Like some others, I’d advise not really having a set routine. We never have and have just taken Christmas as it comes each year. Some years we have it with family from either side but more often than not we have it with just our kids and will catch up with family nearby at some point over the festive period.

The in-laws don’t really travel and live around 6 hours from us so if we were to see them at set times then the onus would always be on us going to them rather than taking turns with the travelling.

I like it that way as there’s no pressure on us and it means we get the Christmas we want rather than being guilted or pressured into doing something we don’t want to do.

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 14/11/2022 20:09

My first suggestion would be to put less pressure on Christmas being just one day (I’m assuming this rota has been formed around Christmas Day) and see it as a longer period of celebration.
Also, when do you get time to spend together just the two of you? If/when you have kids, are they going to get pulled around between families?
If you’re really keen to have a rota arrangement I’d do something like this.

First year: Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day with his family, then the rest of the time back at your home.
Second year: Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day with your mum, then a few days with your dad.
Third year: Christmas at home in your own home, followed by some time with his family.
Fourth year: Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day with your dad, then a few days with your mum.

OldTinHat · 14/11/2022 20:13

I'm afraid I agree with your DP. I live alone and 2hrs away from DS and DIL, her family live 20 mins away from them and sees them several times a week.

I only see them one Christmas in three but would prefer they split it in the same way as your DP suggests. As it is, DIL does one year Christmas with her dad and Boxing day with her mum and swaps round the next year. Both her parents have new partners and other children so the years I don't see them, I spend alone with a microwave meal.

FlamingBells · 14/11/2022 20:17

Yours is fairer and equitable because he sees his family more outside of Christmas due to them living nearby. Your parents are divorced and live far away so you see them less. Therefore, your Christmas plan is fairer but you can alternate between Christmas & New Year celebrations between the two families.

KatieB55 · 14/11/2022 20:34

I agree with no to rotation. Arrange to see family over the Christmas period but not necessarily on Christmas Day. Maybe go away or invite friends.

IfOnlyOCould · 14/11/2022 20:34

His is better but it's not really the type of situation that has a right and wrong answer. If it was my husband and I we would spend Xmas separately.

My adult kids all come home for Xmas and their partners go to their parents. We put zero pressure on them but they want to come home. None have kids yet.

kitcat15 · 14/11/2022 20:39

Your DH way is fairer

WhenIgrowup42 · 14/11/2022 20:53

ShowOfHands · 14/11/2022 19:04

Can you have a Christmas period instead of a Christmas Day only?

We see, for example, my parents on Christmas Day and Boxing Day and then DH's family later in December. This year, we're actually doing Xmas #2 on January 1st.

I love seeing family (both sides) and am happy to have more than one celebration.

Yeah, this. Can't you do:

Year 1: DH family Christmas Day and Boxing Day
Year 2: Your mum's family Christmas Day, dad's family Boxing Day
Year 3: DH family both days
Year 4: Your dad's family Christmas Day, mum's family Boxing Day

??

isthewashingdryyet · 14/11/2022 21:17

And don’t forget you need enough annual leave . If you have jobs where you work until late afternoon on Christmas Eve and have to be back in on 27th at 9 am, then you will be totally shattered from all the driving and jollity and will want to spend next year at home just the two of you.

agree with all the others that you really need to avoid setting up a rota, and just do what feels sensible and use the weekends around Christmas wisely

Lcb123 · 14/11/2022 21:19

I wouldn’t set a pattern. We just see each others families over several days Over the Christmas / NY period, don’t think it matters if it’s 25th or another day

CatJumperTwat · 14/11/2022 21:23

Surely it's obvious - you each go and see your own families.

Ivyonafence · 14/11/2022 22:51

You don't have children so just go see your own families for now.

There's nothing stopping you from seeing your family other times of the year, I don't think that's a fair reason.

I agree with PPs it's better to be flexible each year rather than set up an expectation that it's someone's turn.

If you do want a routine- You could see your dad Christmas Eve, his family Christmas Day, your mum on Boxing Day, then shuffle that the next year so it's one of your families on the actual day.

You could set up a different day during the year where you host your family. Like make it your thing to host a NYD brunch or something so the extended families and partners regularly come to you.

I agree with DH that is unfair for him to miss 2/3 Christmases with his own family.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/11/2022 23:31

I think it’s better not to have a routine, as you might sometimes fancy Christmas just your nuclear family.

However, the down side of that is that the stronger personality might always carry the day. Is either of you a bit dominating when it comes to plans? Alternatively it can be each person takes a turn to choose where you go, the downside being that if you choose “nobody” on your head, it’s a long time til you see your family at Christmas.

There’s probably no right answer tbh!

Sceptre86 · 15/11/2022 17:24

His is fairer bit you do have options. See his on xmas day and spend a few days after Xmas visiting your mum and then your dad? Or you could go separately. You could host his family one Xmas instead of going to them and then be free to visit yours either Xmas eve or boxing day?.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 15/11/2022 17:29

Team no routine here! Me and DP (LTR, live together yadda yadda) see our own families on Christmas. I find his chaotic and ridiculous, he find mine boring.

Parky04 · 15/11/2022 17:34

No routine is best. Always spent Christmas day at our house on our own. Get up when we like, may or may not get dressed, have food when we like etc etc!

ZenNudist · 15/11/2022 17:41

As you don't have dc then just see your own families. When you do have dc just stick to your own little family so you don't get into this semblance of "fair". If his parents want to see you on Christmas day then you need to be flexible to see your mum one year and your dad the next.

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 15/11/2022 17:47

If kids are a possibility in the future, don't forget to factor in you might want to stay at home some years.
We have a rough "whose turn is it next" but it's not set in stone. And we do throw in the occasional "we're not going anywhere this year".

His is fairer than yours tho.

BosaNova · 15/11/2022 17:55

Be fair.
Don't see anyone on Christmas day. No one can arhue you are not being fair😁

It's bliss btw

HairyMcLarie · 15/11/2022 18:14

Tried 'both families' xmases for the first 2 years DH and I were together. Never again.

We started going on holiday at Xmas instead of having to deal with the squabbling, the unreasonable expectations, the crushing exhaustion from the endless planning, travel and needing to be jolly, the boredom...

It was utterly awful we've been doing that for 20 years now.

ZenNudist · 15/11/2022 20:20

I think its a difficult one if you see it from dhs perspective he is seeing his family ever three years you see yours two years on the run the miss a year. Meanwhile your parents only gets to see you every 3 years his way which us nit fair when his parents get every other year.

Headache but if you can't agree I'd not go to either ever and see your family more throughout the year, particularly once you have dc