How to split Christmas fairly

[EffervescentBanana]

Just me and DH, no DC (yet). We live half an hour from his family - one mum and two brothers. My family are huge and about 3 hours away (but geographically disperse as they're an hour/90 mins from each other).

Every year we argue about which family to spend Christmas with. I would be happy to do:

• One year - MIL
• Second year - my mum (and her partner, partner's family etc)
• Third year - my dad (and his partner, partner's family etc)
• and repeat

He would prefer to do:

• one year - his family
• second year - my mum etc
• third year - his family
• fourth year - my dad etc
• and repeat

It wouldn't be possible to host one of my parents with his mum and brothers, because it would be too many people. My parents' partners have large families who we would need to accommodate. I have siblings with nieces and nephews so we'd need to invite them as well.

I think my model is fairer because he sees his own family quite a lot, whereas it's significantly harder to see my own. It also wouldn't be a great experience seeing my mum and dad on Christmas Day as they're 90 minutes drive from each other. This might be the only time I'm seeing them for a couple of months so I'm reluctant to only spend half a day with them.

The model of 'one year his family, one year my family' doesn't work because my family are complicated, large and I don't see them often. Whereas he sees his family lots.

AIBU?

Going against the grain but your DH’s rota definitely isn’t more fair! So he sees his family every other year like clockwork and you see one of yours every third year? But then equally your way puts him seeing his family every third year.

I would start as you mean to go on and just see your own families and make that the routine; then if you have children you can use them as an excuse to stay at home. Between Covid and some well-timed pregnancies and births I’ve successfully avoided going to my in-laws for Christmas for nine years in a row now, it’s bliss.

I think his idea is fairer. But if your planning a family I'd try to keep your kids at home and welcome whichever parents turn up.

I'm also going to say yes you will see more of his mum anyway but his mum is probably going to be the person who helps you out when shit happens and be your emergency contact for school etc.

What a headache. I can't bear set routines: kills any spontaneity or relaxation and makes what would otherwise be a nice break between two busy times of the year far too much like hard work. In your shoes I'd do neither (which, since neither of you agree, appears to be the fairest option) and go with far more of a go with the flow approach.

It also avoids getting locked into any precedent, which can be a difficult pattern to break after a while.

Christmas is full of these conventional obligations, putting up with situations you don't like because it's your duty, and even the most low-key Christmases still require a lot of effort and planning if you have children. Bring on Easter - much nicer holiday!

Thank you everyone for your responses! Really appreciate it