Not wanting random people touching my child

[RiceRiceBaby16]

It honestly happens every.single.fucking.time we go anywhere. I've got a one year old. Ever since he's been born, when we go somewhere, shops etc, at least one person ends up touching or nearly touching him (if I manage to move him in time). AIBU to think it's inappropriate and rude. Germs and all aside, I don't even know you! I'm also genuinely concerned about people's perception about boundaries.
Or is this a normal British thing? Im not British but have lived here a while.
The problem is that I also struggle to say NO a lot of the time and find it awkward to tell someone please don't touch him. Especially if it's a person at a till who we might see Eve try other day when shopping.
I need to learn to protect my sons boundaries and be an example for
Him so he doesn't grow up thinking any stranger can just walk up to him and touch him. Any advice?
I really really wish I was more strict if that's the word. How can you be kind / not awkward but still enforce your boundaries?

People find babies cute. Your son won’t stay a cute baby for ever.

You have to be the example set to your child. Don’t blame others around you.

@RiceRiceBaby16

hes not gonna grow up thinking people have a right to touch him.
as he gets older, less cute and more sour faced strangers will largely ignore him and you will also be talking to him about strangers.

there aren’t too many 15 year old boys still being patted on the head by old aged pensioners

I really like it when strangers interact with my baby. He’s cute and smiley and it makes people happy.
I always give a little wave or smile to little kids who wave or smile at me. I love it when they look proud as punch when their smile or wave is reciprocated.

Oh here we go. People complaining now about me daring to mention race 🙄

Just to clarify, I'm talking about my own experiences with my son and the questions about his race and his father that has always accompanied the unsolicited touching.

I said in my post that the comments are always lovely and said as a compliment. But my question was how do I teach my son that being touched without his permission is not okay, even when it's dressed up as a compliment.

I'm not saying anybody is racist. I think it's genuine human interest to discuss these things. I am not offended by the questions or people asking polite questions about his heritage, and actually quite enjoy discussing his heritage as the more I openly discuss it, the more he learns about it, too. I am, however, offended by people touching his hair like he's a pet.

I am in Kent

Perhaps I exaggerated when I said "every time" but he's 12 months and I can think of at least 10 Occasions and several where he's cried. It happened again today hence my post. It happens with passers by in the shop, but also if I come up to a shop employee or were in a queue and someone starts a conversation. They then almost immediately grab his hand or pinch his cheek etc. it does happen often and mostly older ladies. I just try to avoid conversation with people in public now because I don't want it to be awkward when they try to touch him and he gets upset. He's better now he's older but he still doesn't enjoy it. On a rare occasion he may reach out once I've been speaking to someone for several minutes which then I'm Completely fine with- he's shown he's happy to physically interact

Sorry for typos, no time to correct! Also passionate about the topic of being an example for children from a young age on how to learn to enforce their boundaries and how to say no. Since clearly I'm not good at that and wasn't taught that by my parents sadly, I don't want the same for my son.

How about somebody pulling your hat off to see what colour your hair is, or pulling you out of your seat because they want a hug? Or taking a flash photo in your face? Or sticking a finger in your mouth?

Very well said. I relate and agree. People gets so defensive and dismissive to speak about race affecting human interactions now. When it's just human nature.

Teenage boys and grown men are able to assert their boundaries regarding being touched perfectly fine.

This really is a non-issue.

But he won’t. You can teach him about boundaries when he’s not a baby. It doesn’t last long.

also I’m afraid of he’s getting scared and crying every time it’s likely you’re projecting how much it upsets you and he’s picking up on it!

YANBU, I've had this since DD was 2 days old and still get it now she's 18 months. Mainly sweet old ladies but I still hate it, holding DDs hand or squeezing her cheeks, drives me nuts but I'm too much of a wet wipe to say no.

I did put my foot down once when DD was 14 months and in the pram on a train and was finally falling asleep after being upset and a woman kept stroking DDs hand and it freaked her out but she kept doing it, had to ask her to stop and she said I was being overprotective and she was just being nice.

It's so weird!

It depends where you are in London.

@ thethirdwifey

Nobody is saying about specifically British people doing this, also nobody is saying it's wrong or bad or unwelcome to comment. It's about the physical boundaries and strangers touching people's kids unsolicited

@TokenGinger Given what you’ve said about people commenting on your child’s skin colour, it does sound like they wouldn’t do it to a white child.

I was discussing this on another forum a few years ago (when it was actually happening), and a black woman in the US said this:

”Or some (nonBlack) people give weird over the top condescending fake compliments to Black people, either to try to prove they aren’t racist, or as if their approval is the gold standard and I need to be validated. It’s almost like the kid version of being catcalled - it’s not sexual, but the real function of catcalling is to express social dominance and I feel it in how some people interact with my family. It’s a really palpable vibe and I give it the stink eye for sure.”

So it is definitely a phenomenon.

No it doesn’t being mixed race in London isn’t usual in any part! 🙄

@ thethirdwifey
Yes you are right it's my responsibility and I'm trying to be more assertive

Unusual* grr 😠

None of them have happened, but yes, they’d probably be a bit inappropriate.

I was prodded a bit and had my hair touched when I was working in Japan, something that wasn’t welcome, but wasn’t hugely offensive; I think that some people there hadn’t seen anyone that looked like me before.

How odd. I don’t think in 40 years (of being a Nanny, Mother, Aunt, etc etc) that anyone has ‘touched’ a child in my care.

This is really odd! Definitely not my experience. People will stop and wave or chat to my daughter in the pram when we go out, but not touch? The only "non family member" who did this was our neighbour during covid, and as a natural instinct my partner pulled our daughter away from her and she was like "oh I'm so sorry, force of habit".

I've got friends in the Middle East who now hardly leave the house with their kids as they constantly get people taking pictures and touching their children in public. It's quite disconcerting.

I used to nanny for a boy with the most striking auburn hair, it wasn’t just ‘red’ but a lovely unusual rusty colour. He got a lot of attention for that, mainly just comments but the odd pat. And once in Westfield where a couple offered him their ice cream they were halfway through eating 😐

This .

I have to disagree. It's not being patted on the head but the boundary things manifests in different ways as an adult. Im an example of this and I'm trying to change it. When you think about adults having trouble saying no, or enforcing their boundaries whether physical or not, most of this does stem from upbringing. Also they might be little but their brain is soaking up everything right now. Just because we don't remember something, doesn't mean it didn't affect us and leave a lasting impression, affecting our behaviour too. If I'm not being assertive now, and teaching him now,/ modelling this behaviour or boundaries, when should I start? Only when he's older? It's not just about touching if we are speaking about it on a broader perspective. Cute babies will be touched. When they're toddlers and school age kids it can be other things. Boundaries involve
Many things and it starts
With touching when they are babies, before they are on the move.

I don't like random people touching my children, either.
I've got twin DC and people were always reaching for them. Mainly the elderly.
Maybe it's my issue, as I don't like being touched unless by invitation (!). 🤷

Me too and that is very sweet. I do this to others and also don't mind others doing it to my son