Not wanting random people touching my child

[RiceRiceBaby16]

It honestly happens every.single.fucking.time we go anywhere. I've got a one year old. Ever since he's been born, when we go somewhere, shops etc, at least one person ends up touching or nearly touching him (if I manage to move him in time). AIBU to think it's inappropriate and rude. Germs and all aside, I don't even know you! I'm also genuinely concerned about people's perception about boundaries.
Or is this a normal British thing? Im not British but have lived here a while.
The problem is that I also struggle to say NO a lot of the time and find it awkward to tell someone please don't touch him. Especially if it's a person at a till who we might see Eve try other day when shopping.
I need to learn to protect my sons boundaries and be an example for
Him so he doesn't grow up thinking any stranger can just walk up to him and touch him. Any advice?
I really really wish I was more strict if that's the word. How can you be kind / not awkward but still enforce your boundaries?

People will fall over themselves to tell you to get over yourself OP, because on MN it gets pretty competitive over how blasé you can be over things with your child. Someone will ask if they're your first kid, if they haven't already. Someone else will regale you of the time they went to Italy and the kitchen staff all held the baby while the poster got to eat and how wonderful it was. Maybe the time they went to a different country and the whole bus took turns cuddling their baby and how wonderful it was and how we're so standoffish in this country and kids need contact etc. etc.

But yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly. It's really fucking weird that people think it's okay to walk over and touch someone without asking just because they're too young to be able to say no or meaningfully consent. I hated it pre-pandemic, and during the pandemic. It's just so rude. Had no issue with people asking, then it was fine, but I couldn't get over the cheek of people just wandering over and grabbing his feet or, worse, his cheeks, one old woman even tried to let him suck on her fingertip in Asda! He was and is his own person and his right to bodily autonomy is important, babies aren't little toys to be played with at the whims of strangers. Now he's a toddler I couldn't care less because he's old enough to choose whether and how he wants to interact, though I still have to step in for things like relatives trying to force unwanted kisses and cuddles.

You have to be quite assertive to deal with it. If someone goes for the lunge just put your hand in front of their reach and say 'no thank you', or move baby away. You can say some bullshit to smooth things over if you like like 'he's not had all his jabs' or whatever but you really don't have to.

Would you be happy with people touching you uninvited?

It’s not a British thing! And it is insanely annoying.

Never happened when we lived in the UK but when we moved to Toronto people kept on touching DS as well. They did stuff like take his hat off in -20C temperatures “to see what colour his hair is”, took photos right in his face with a flash, and various other things that were completely inappropriate, made him cry and gave me the rage. He was in a sling for most of these, so they had their hands right in my face as well. One person tried to unfasten the sling to take him out in the middle of the street (which, given the position of the clips, meant they had their hands under my breasts). It was just unbelievable.

I spent at least the first four months walking round on a hair trigger ready to scream at the next person who fucking touched him. People in London have boundaries and keep their hands to themselves, people in Toronto think they are “being friendly” by treating you and your child like public property. They were very self-righteous when challenged as well.

The responses on this thread just go to show another level of White privilege.

My son is mixed race. So, so often (not every time), he has adults approach him and touch his hair and say how lovely it is. The sentiment is lovely, and it's a compliment, but I have the same questions as you, OP, about how do I teach him that people shouldn't touch him without his consent, when it happens so regularly?

There's no malice in what people do, but it's unsolicited touch from strangers and I don't want my son to think it's okay for strangers to touch his body, particularly without his consent.

All of those claiming it never happened to them, I'd place money on the children being White.

For some reason, it seems to be acceptable for children of colour to have to put up with being pets that can be stroked in public for the satisfaction of others, but if you dare object, you're a crazy liberalist who "makes everything about colour".

Well I’ve got 4 kids and no stranger one has ever tried to touch them not that it would bother me in the slightest if they did.

If that actually happens to you I think you’re being ridiculous but it’s your baby 🤷

I really like it when strangers interact with my baby. He’s cute and smiley and it makes people happy.

Sure, this is great. I interact with babies and children a lot when out and about. But I don't touch them, pat them, kiss them, try to grab a small baby's fingers etc. because that would be weird when I don't know them or their parents AT ALL.

One woman put her finger in my 3 day old baby's MOUTH when I was in the supermarket, it was quick and unexpected, I couldn't believe it 😲😡fortunately my baby suffered no ill effects but WTF? She didn't know us, even by sight as we'd just moved there, complete stranger.

I'm not particularly keen either. Probably a protective instinct thing. But it hasn't happened very much to me and DD. Perhaps we're not very touchy feely in my city! When it has happened it's been older people who were being friendly so I just let it go. But it's your baby so you are fine to not want everyone touching them.

@TokenGinger wait what? When was race brought into it?

This is absolutely what I mean. Thank you. It's different when people ask or speak to us first and give him time to warm up and indicate if he wants to interact or not.

But I definitely am so shocked at some of these horrible and rude responses! I guess most of these people don't mind being just randomly touched, squeezed etc without warning? So strange.

My kids are mixed race, but I live in London so it isn’t unusual and no one cares or is fascinated by it so it depends where you live?

OP is BU but this is hardly bashing

Oh dear. That's awful. The problem is also that babies clearly get upset. Not all babies. But if you know your action might upset and scare the child, why can't you keep your hands to yourself.

My son is also mixed race. Maybe it's something to do with that. The endless comments of how cute he is, asking where his dad is from and where does he get his skin tone from. Which is all fine. I don't mind the interaction. It's just when it gets physical unexpectedly

People tried to touch my young baby at the start of the pandemic. I put one of those plastic rain screens (with a hole in for air and access) over the pram, it works as a physical barrier for most people.

Very persistent ladies will just touch the baby through the hole in the screen but that really only happened twice.

@TokenGinger I suspect it is where people live rather than race. I’m white and it never happened in London (where people know you mind your own business with strangers), but happened all the fucking time in Toronto, where people also insist on trying to talk at you on the subway.

It is entitled people who think their desire to feel good about their “friendliness” outweighs everybody else’s right to go about their business without being molested (and yep, strangers trying to unclip your baby out of your sling while you are trying to get to work it is definitely “being molested”). I can imagine white people may act more entitled than black people, but those people do it to everyone.

How would you know how it feels if it's not happened? Let's say it happened every other time you went out and your baby cried? It wouldn't bother you that strangers are upsetting your child?

None of the scenarios you describe would bother me. Am older lady shaking a baby’s finger affectionately? Fine.

I generally do not go around thinking everyone is a leper or worse, which probably helps.

It may not be about race but if it's what they have observed then the point can be discussed. I hadn't thought of it but after this comment I've realised a lot of the comments are about his skin and maybe that just attracts people with their questions. Which is fine like I say, when it's just conversation. We are not in London and live in a very white area. We go to several baby groups throughout the week and only a couple of times have met families that are not white. We can't deny that social interactions between humans are not affected by who we are, race, looks, age, gender. It may not be conscious but for example it's mostly the grandmas that come to up and try to touch him, and say they have grandchildren themselves. Or we have had twice older ladies come up and say they have mixed grandchildren too. So we can't deny it doesn't mean anything

This sounds highly unlikely, I don’t think it ever happened with mine, so every time you go out is hard to believe.

Lits of people smiled at them or spoke to them, but no-one that we didn’t know touched them.

I did offer lots of people a hold who showed them some attention, including staff in cafes, waitresses in restaurants etc.

Of course, if you have issues that mean that you don’t want any stranger doing this then of course you have every right to say no.

People make fair points about it possibly being where you live. Whilst my area is becoming slightly more diverse, it is predominantly White so I suppose it's more likely to happen to my son in this area than in a more diverse area where there's lot of people who look similar to him.

White privilege? Ha ha this place is batshit.

It's not about germs but him getting scared and crying and growing up thinking it's ok for anyone to touch him

When I related to what the OP said because of my own experiences with my son, which is down to race in our circumstances. And funnily enough, OP has confirmed her children are also mixed race and she gets the same questions on skin tone and where is dad from that I do.

Really because we’ve entered into the land where British people comment on a baby’s skin colour.

It depends on the context. A gentle touch on the back to ease their way past in a nosy bar, or someone squeezed in next to me on a packed tube train are both normal and fine. A stranger grabbing my arm to stop me stepping in front of a car when I was looking the wrong way would also be fine.

Someone sticking their hand down the front of my knickers in Tesco just to have a feel would not be OK.