To miss him and our old life together

[Iwantthatoneandthatone]

It sounds so awful to say, but I feel
so very down as does Dh
Dd is 4 and such hard work, Dh feels he works all week long and then spends evenings and weekends with her shouting & screaming and no relaxation and I’m with her the majority of the time and feel utterly exhausted by her.
She’s our absolute world but this doesn’t feel like a life at all at the moment and I miss Dh too, we’re taking it out on each other and blaming each other for her behaviour.
I feel so guilty to say it, but I cry for our old lives together and how easy it was and how we didn’t know it.

Can you afford to put her into childcare OP? Even for a few hours a week?

A change and more socialisation might be good for her.

Why's she so upset?

Is she at school/nursery? What exactly is happening with her behaviour? Can you give some examples? It sounds like it might be beyond normal 4 year old behaviour, do you suspect she has SEN at all?

@girlmom21 She goes for 9 hours per week, but it doesn’t make much difference. By the time I'm back home and have done a few bits, it’s time to get her.
It's more the weekends when Dh can’t sit and relax for even a second, I get that you generally can’t with a 4 year old, but surely there’s some points when you can. I miss us having time together too.
Not sure why she’s so upset, I’ve asked her and she says she doesn’t know, lots of friends going through similar with theirs
Does no one get time with their partners? Are you supposed to be this constantly exhausted like we are?

@Choconut No, I don’t think so, I see no signs, I just think she’s so strong willed and wants to be in charge, she wasn’t like that before 4

Are you in UK OP?
When does she start school?
Could she go to a preschool in the week? You should be eligible for 30 free hours if you're in uk xx

I can’t comment on her behaviour as mine is only 2 but I think mourning your old life pre children is normal. I admitted it to a friend and she said she has felt the same as have her other parent friends.

I know this may get me flamed but you really have no idea what it’s like to be a parent until you are and then it’s too late. The tedium, the relentless, the boredom mixed in with the magic. I would throw myself in front of a bus for my DC if I needed to, but I also miss having the time just me or me and DH (not to mention the money!).

I suppose I want to compare what others lives are like with their 3/4/5 year old, is it meant to be this hard?

We get no time at all to ourselves. We have started booking AL in order to spend days together without kids We live away from family (in CI) but they weren't any help before we moved. We go out rarely, but have pledged in the new year to go out once a month together without the kids. I mostly feel my life is a hamster wheel I can't get off if. My boys are 4 and 2 and generally pretty good, still annoying at times though!

@ilovemaxibons Same here, no family nearby, we’re literally never on our own together, we can’t have a conversation without her interrupting. I was ok with it but now it’s been 4 years, it feels like such a long time and shouldn’t we have a bit more of a life together now? Maybe I’m being unrealistic and will have to wait longer, just recently I’ve been remembering more and just missing it so much. Not even really going out together as we’re often too tired, just the way we used to sit together relaxing at weekends watching a film, I know I’m awful saying that, I just miss it so very much

What time does she go to bed? I have a 4yo but she’s usually asleep by 8 so we have evenings to ourselves. Weekends less so as she is very on the go and needs to be kept entertained (and she’s just started reception so lots of class parties atm)

@Flapjackquack It’s so hard isn’t it

We have a 3 and a 1 year old. They're in bed by 7:30 so we spend time together then. We'll have some good food and watch trash tv or play board games.

We don't have family nearby either so make the best of it when we can.

Is she better when you're out and about?

@riotlady We alternate to take her up at 7 for pjs, teeth and stories etc, sometimes she’s asleep by 8, but we often stay up with her as end up falling asleep.

Can you find her some activities which will buy you some free time and hopefully tire her out a bit? Rainbows takes from 4 I believe

It's hard, I think most parents have felt that way at one point or another

Are you not able to get a baby sitter a couple of times a month and just the two of you have time together doing what you used to like.
I used to enjoy going out for a meal or going to a gig with DH when the kids were little ( well, I still do but I didn’t want to give it up just because I had kids)

That age is exhausting especially if you have 1 where you have to entertain/play with boundless energy, but they have the attention span of a fish!

Op, practical things that help:

Setting a strict bedtime. No ifs or buts. We also let ours take toys to bed but they're taken away if they faff around or they come out 9f their room. So a quiet wind down of around 20mins where they play /take dolls to bed is normal - it allows some down time for all. We go in and turn off lights/final tuck in 20 mins later.

Tag teaming so you get "your" chill Tuesday even for just an hour, he gets his Wednesdays etc - we both do bedtime but chill nights are where one 9f you just gets to check out without pressure to always be ON. This doesn't help with feeling like you get time together.

Having strict "mummy and daddy are busy" cues. We're normally very into playing and being present BUT if I have a coffee it's my 10mins. They quickly learn to ignore us. Even now DC say "is coffee finished" then look into a cup to see if we're interruptible! This was only used 2 or 3 times a week and it started because I didn't want hot drinks down on the floor near them so I refused, then it extended into that's the Time mummy and daddy won't interact like usual!

What time is bedtime normally? For DC and both of you? Talk us through what happens and things might be tweaked to secure a little bit more adult time?

I could've wrote this! Me & DH were just saying this exact thing after an exhausting weekend with our 4year old DD.

I thought by this age things would've gotten better but since she turned 4 she's upped her game in defiance, talking back, tantrums. It's so hard.

We just feel like Mum & Dad, not really 'us' as we have no time together either. Solidarity OP.

It probably seems endless right now but it will pass. School usually tires them out so not too long until she starts I guess.can u or hubby take her to the park or swimming. Tire her out and maybe she may watch a film or be less hectic. I seem to remember this stage.if you are in Ci maybe walk along the lovely beaches there ,or countryside. You will all be healthier for it and she will benefit from the fresh air.i think we all look back at the past nostalgically .you must have felt a reason for having a baby though.

@Iwantthatoneandthatone

There's your problem with the going up and staying with her then going straight to sleep.

Evenings are your times to relax together and have some time out.

We had exactly the same as you and it's bloody hard isn't it.

We used to have to take a day annual leave here and there to get a day together or a half day when the dc were young.

It's hard aswell when your both working and shattered by the weekends.

It does get easier and you will get more time to yourselves but the evenings even if it's just for an hour before you go to bed yourselves is the best time.

@Alicesweewonders What did your weekend look like/how did it go?

@girlmom21 When does you Dd start school? Are you in UK or overseas? Could she go to a club or preschool or something? 9 hours does not seem like adequate time off from parenting!

When my eldest child was 4, I also had a 2YO. I also worked part time evenings. Frankly, I can't relate to your experience at all. If anything, this was when things started getting easier.

The kids went to bed at 7pm and DH and I would spend my evenings off together then.

You need to adjust your expectations. The days of lie ins and weekends in bed after a hard week at work are long gone. But you find other ways of spending time together and doing things that you enjoy as a family.

Yes this sounds pretty normal unfortunately
She's 4 so she should be getting at least 15 hours if not 30 hours and then presumably starting school soon?

Have to say the relentlessness of life is just how it is with children - when you work full time all week and have kids then invariably weekends you get little time in your own

My STBEXH couldn't handle it and left when our twins were 1.

I agree with pp - get a babysitter once a month and go out for a nice meal together. The cost of the babysitter is worth it for your relationship!

Oh yes, another vote for extra curriculars- DD does ballet on a Saturday morning so I drop her off and go for a walk or a coffee, sometimes DH comes too and we get breakfast together