To miss him and our old life together

[Iwantthatoneandthatone]

It sounds so awful to say, but I feel
so very down as does Dh
Dd is 4 and such hard work, Dh feels he works all week long and then spends evenings and weekends with her shouting & screaming and no relaxation and I’m with her the majority of the time and feel utterly exhausted by her.
She’s our absolute world but this doesn’t feel like a life at all at the moment and I miss Dh too, we’re taking it out on each other and blaming each other for her behaviour.
I feel so guilty to say it, but I cry for our old lives together and how easy it was and how we didn’t know it.

it is time for firm boundaries re bed time etc so your evenings are adult time.
And a 4 yr old is capable of learning to.play alone for short periods whilst you talk. If she interrupts tell her this is your time to.talk and she needs to do.someyhing quietly on her own . Be firm and dont give up as it will take time but will be worth it . x

I have a 6 year old and two 4 year olds and it's just me. Clearly the dynamics are different with siblings, my main problem is arguments.

Relaxing at home has never really been a thing for us. We have to go out, tire them out, get a good airing and then we can come back and (try to) chill. They can sit and watch a short movie at this age. Does she do that while you have a chill on the sofa?

I have a 4yo and a 10 month old and it can get overwhelming. Weekends aren't relaxing at the moment!

Can you tag team a bit at weekends so you both get some time to chill? So one of you take her swimming in the morning, the other stays at home. Then the other takes her with them to do the weekly shop while the other stays at home. Then give her a snack and sit on the sofa and watch a Disney film together? Will she play independently at all?

We have our time together in the evenings after the kids are in bed - we take one each and are usually downstairs together by 7.30ish. Can you gradually go from sitting with her to fall asleep to tucking in and saying that you're just going to tidy up/put some clothes away in your room and then you'll check on her in 5 minutes? Then when she's used to that start making check in times longer until she doesn't need you?

We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and we have a strict routine with bath and bed. Both in bed by 8pm and we spend a couple of hours watching TV and chatting. We don’t have family nearby either.

we just accepted that we will have very little time together for the next few years but we jump on any time we do have. We make weekends fun, we go out, eat nice food and play games. If we just chill and leave the kids to do whatever then they do get whiney and miserable. But days out and being involved with their play makes them happy and tires them out. We feel great afterwards too.

if one of us needs to relax then the other will watch the kids for a couple of hours. Like I’ll take them the park or organise an activity at home whilst DH stays in bed playing games or watching Netflix and vice Versa.

it’s about making the most of what life is like now and working as a team. Your DD is still quite young and will need attention and activities especially if there’s no siblings. Also, can’t she go to nursery for longer? Is she entitled to the minimum of 15 hours?

My eldest was climbing the wall, ready for school at 4. The others were fine.

I suggest you sign her up to swimming and gymnastics. They're great and will tire ger out.

Also do activities with her - crafts, cooking, games.

It sounds like she's bright, needs stimulation and wants company.

@Iwantthatoneandthatone i have a 4 year old son and a baby. My son who is the 4 year old is mostly good, he plays with his toys and is generally a really good child. There are days he plays up but it doesn’t last long. I remember when he was 2/3 and I found those couple of years very exhausting, It is really hard work! But I think it does get slightly easier when they are nearing school age.

4 years is quite hard work for many many people. I remember when my second was 4 and seeing countless posts on every online parent group I was on. It will stop, either at 5, maybe 6 years. I'm not sure why this developmental stage is called but it will be over.
The one thing you have to do as parents is not loose your cool. They are more aware rhab ever of this big world, it must be a lot for a child to take in. I remember how hard it was for us as parents but don't make mistakes some of us made. Always remain calm. Acknowledge her. Keep reminding yourself that okay, my 4 year old is as she is right now, that's not going to change, but I need to be the best role model for her. If I loose my cool, this is the behaviour she will learn and then it will stick with her for years. If in calm, kind and an example for her, she will be like this too as she grows.
You will get time to bond happily later as a family and as a couple I promise.

We have a 4 year old and to be honest it’s really pretty easy right now. She’s a lot more self sufficient and is generally a happy soul. She can have her moments but I feel like we are able to spend more time together now than we have for a long time. All that’s about to change though as I am 8 months pregnant! I feel like I will be mourning this life very soon.

Has your daughter always been like this or is this a recent change?

Totally normal to mourn your old life. However, mine would have massively suffered with only 9 hours a week of preschool. They need proper socialisation with their peers at that age. School/nursery is also great for structure and routine, not to mention just tiring them out! They also need to play on their own and not look to you to entertain them constantly. So if you set up painting, play doh etc then they should manage by themselves for 15-20 minutes. Again preschool helps with this as they can’t get constant attention there. We are also very strict with bedtime and after 7 she needs to be in her room. Quiet playing is ok but not coming downstairs. But knackered from nursery, it’s not an issue.

It's totally normal to say you miss your oold life, I don't know why some on MN make a big deal out of it.

But actually I agree with the pp, she could just need more stimulation. By the end of the summer holidays we were all run pretty ragged. She is old for her year, so is probably really ready for more stimulation. If you can’t do more nursery hours, try and tire her out with activities as much as possible.

It's normal to miss your old life

It's not normal to spend all weekend "shouting and screaming " at your child or each other

Do you have firm boundaries with her Re the shouting and screaming? My dsis and her husband 'gentle parent'. Their ds4 appears to have SEN, so much shouting, tantrumming, crying CONSTANTLY. They asked me to look after him recently and I was dreading it. Lo and behold he was really good, went to throw a strop a few times and I very firmly told him to behave otherwise we'd have to stop activity. I ended up really enjoying his company. Literally the second his parents walked through the door his bad behaviour started. Their efforts of "gentle voices please" and "listening ears" did absolutely nothing.

4 years is truly exhausting, but it shouldn’t always be screaming and crying.

we found a gro-clock really useful as bedtimes was becoming mayhem.

depending on money situation I would definitely increase her hours at preschool if you could. last year preschool helped us quite a bit. I really noticed it during the half terms just how good it was for her because she would constantly whinge and have meltdowns mainly cause of boredom i think (even though we went out most days)

my daughter started school in September and it has made a massive difference so far. They need that constant mental stimulation that they just dont get at home.

it’s completely normal to miss pre child life, and don’t feel bad about that.

Totally agree with this

I have a four year old DD too & she has always been incredibly spirited & stubborn. 3 was probably the hardest age for us but I’ve found age 4 harder than I thought. I think because people told me ‘it gets easier at 4.’ I agree with pp though that she might benefit from more stimulation & structure. My DD started reception this year & we have seen a massive improvement in her behaviour. Prior to reception she was at preschool but school has been the biggest change. 9 hours is nothing really, could she go for longer?

If she is 4 she is eligible for 30 hours - you need to use them! Get her into daycare as long as you possibly can and get yourself into work if you aren't already and teach her that you and DP don't exist merely to pander to her ways. Firm boundaries, ignore any whining (you will know if she is genuinely hurt or unwell), bedtime means bedtime.

Yes, I think I will have to up her hours at Pre school.
We do lots at the weekend and always get her out of the house, otherwise it’s mayhem. I enjoy days out but sometimes just miss that not having to be constantly *On and almost counting down the hours until bedtime
We do so much with her but just crave that bit of time to just sit sometimes

Like others I would suggest:

• More time in nursery - why is she only getting 9 hours a week? If in UK she'd be in preschool so should be getting 15 hours
• Claw back your evenings together. Move towards a strict bedtime. Lights out by 7.30 latest. Wean her off having a parent lying with her while she falls asleep. Incentivise with sticker charts etc
• Babysitter every fortnight or so for a meal out
• Activities to stimulate her and tire her out - gymnastics, swimming etc all good suggestions. Swimming in particular - it's a life skill she'll need anyway and this is the ideal time to start
• With regards her interrupting your and DH conversations - calmly but firmly say "The adults are talking now. Why don't you go and do some colouring, building blocks etc". She needs to be able to entertain herself and not always be the centre of your attention.

Frankly OP it sounds as if you need more boundaries and structure. She's ruling the roost. But that's normal for a child if no firm boundaries are set, you just need to take control.

@Iwantthatoneandthatone I would put her in full time if you can, she needs to get into a routine of going to school. Sounds like she needs the structure if I'm honest

I’ve just started to feel it so intensely recently, the lack of things for us and us together. It feels selfish as we knew that when having a child. I suppose it’s because we don’t get that break ever and no grandparents to help babysit etc
Is it normal for life basically to be nothing about yourself when they’re this age. I assumed by 4, things may be easier…it’s been the opposite

You have to make that time for yourself. Do you have any hobbies? You might not be able to spend much time together (although why you can't sit and watch a film in the evening a few times a week is beyond me?) but you can certainly have a life away from the home if you go out to a hobby.

I think this is about managing and lowering your expectations. Raising a child is literally not even comparable with life before you had children. It’s not just your old life with a child thrown into the mix. And what’s more, if you do think about it like that, raising a child will seem like an expensive and everlasting chore, sucking all your energy.

Yes, you can manage your life so you get some odd snippets here and there..Saturday morning ballet, babysitters, play dates, but in general, no, you definitely dont get to sit around and do day time relaxing. You play with them, take them to things, sit in kids parties, make them snacks, tidy their playroom, supervise them at the park etc etc etc. (You get to sit around when they are in bed though obvs).

My advice would be to throw yourself into it and enjoy it. Do the crafts, the baking, the park trips, the parties and attempt to
enjoy it. Between the hours of 7 and 7. After that, you can look forward to 🍷 and quality time with your DH/friends or even on your own, doing a hobby or whatever.

But why aren't you using the full 30 hours at the moment?

We also have a 4yoDD and tbh I don't really recognise your post at all. Our daughter has 22.5 hours a week in nursey and does a few extra-curricular activities. She's asleep for 7.30pm so we have our evenings together and will occasionally get a nice takeaway for the two of us after she's asleep and we chat and watch telly. We occasionally also meet for lunch on the days she's at nursery and we are working. At the weekends we usually try to tag team a bit so we get some time to ourselves. Yes, our lives are very different than they were before we had her but it's for the good.