To miss him and our old life together

[Iwantthatoneandthatone]

It sounds so awful to say, but I feel
so very down as does Dh
Dd is 4 and such hard work, Dh feels he works all week long and then spends evenings and weekends with her shouting & screaming and no relaxation and I’m with her the majority of the time and feel utterly exhausted by her.
She’s our absolute world but this doesn’t feel like a life at all at the moment and I miss Dh too, we’re taking it out on each other and blaming each other for her behaviour.
I feel so guilty to say it, but I cry for our old lives together and how easy it was and how we didn’t know it.

30 hours is only if both parents work, and it doesn't sound like OP does as she has her DD at home a lot.

@strandedabroad

Ahh. I didn't know that. I thought it was for all children.

Apologies.

Totally get where you're coming from. Won't she sit and watch television? This was the "downtime" DH and I had when our eldest was this age. Her younger sibling is much more relaxed and easy going!

You need to try and physically exhaust her in the morning, then you'll get more pottering from her and time to do other things in the pm. I don't mean driving to a swim class, where they take turns and maybe do 10 mins exercise, i mean actual fresh air and exercise. Junior parkrun is from age 4, for a start.

If you are just reacting to her then it feels unrewarding and tiresome, if you take more control you might find things you all like to do and it won't feel as much like being ruled by a mini dictator. A lot of kids appearing to want their own way is them feeling insecure about what they should be doing, sometimes they can relax into being a kid if you take control a bit.

@CatSpeakForDummies - I agree with the tiring them out, the days DS is not at nursery we are out the house for at least 3-4 hours - softplay, park, playgroups anything we can find that has other children to entertain him

Maybe it’s just an age thing or phase I’m going through also as I totally loved it all and threw myself into everything. I was the cheeseball who loved the baking, loved going to the playground, doing crafts…all of it and was quite ok with not going out, drinking etc…somethings changed recently and I feel a bit different now. I still enjoy it all but find I’m missing us time and me time more and all the things we used to do..I wonder if it’s a natural progression as Dd will move into school etc?

We really do tire her out, gymnastics, long dog walks, playgrounds etc, but she still won’t sit for long really. Same with tv, sometimes she’ll watch for a while but often when we’re all at home at weekends, she won’t watch it as much, she wants us to constantly play with her…and we play a lot!

I guess it’s the transition from being a couple with a baby/toddler to a family with an actual other person in it that’s hard maybe?
Your dd does sound fairly hardwork, but no more than most 4 year olds, who I guess are generally in school!
Are you planning on any more children? I ask because I’ve found that siblings make life a lot easier! If I have a weekend day with just me DH and the 5yo it’s a lot harder than when her siblings around! The children then form a mob (I have a few), and me and DH are left to our own devices!

I think you would feel much better if you knew that your evenings were going to be the ‘adult time’ you crave. You are eating into this time with the current arrangement of staying in her room until she drops off.

Assuming a child gets easier by the age of 4 is massively unrealistic I'm afraid OP, you've got a hell of a long way to go yet!! When she starts school you'll have more time to yourself during the day, but school can come with it's own challenges, you have to just ride it out. Try and get her to bed earlier, maybe listening to an audio book? Get a bit stricter!? Find a babysitter!

Thats the easy time when they're 4, wait till they're teenagers, sorry OP but that's life, you signed up to it when you had your baby xx

We really do tire her out, gymnastics, long dog walks, playgrounds etc, but she still won’t sit for long really. Same with tv, sometimes she’ll watch for a while but often when we’re all at home at weekends, she won’t watch it as much, she wants us to constantly play with her…and we play a lot!

Wheres the mental stimulation? Just doing physical things won't tire a person out, nor will TV. I found my four and half dd an absolute nightmare as I couldn't give her what she needed, which was mental and social stimulation, ie school! Sounds like your DD is ready for her next step too.

OP, why is she not in preschool full time? My boy is 4 and just started reception (5 in December) prior to this he was at the nursery attached to the school from 8.45-2.45 Monday to Friday.

Definitely all of this 😊

Presumably OP's DD is only just 4 (in the last 2 months) and will start school next September.

We have three, including a 3 and 1 year olds. We have strict bedtimes so we can have a little bit of time for us every evening. And we arrange it so one of us tidies while the other plays with the children so after bedtime we have time for us.

We also have a babysitter and we arrange at least once a month. She comes around 17:30 so we can have a good few hours of just time for us.

It is hard OP! But it is only for a short while. My view is that you want to work on you as a couple so that you still know and like each other when you come the other side.