To think there is something wrong with my life?

[howlingmoon]

The people I know, I suppose, and how I am living it.
I am honest and decent and prioritise good friends, etc. But lately it is becoming apparent to me that something is decidedly shit.

When I am ill, or worried or hurt, or ask for advice, the people I know don't answer, or reply, as if I had not asked.
This is so common that it's worth mentioning. Alternatively, when people ask me for advice or report pain, I am fairly on the ball to help.
This has been the state of things for many years, but it has only recently started to bother me.

I am at a crossroads strangely enough, my long term relationship is ending, I only have one sibling as rest of family has died, and I am somewhat all alone - didn't have children.

Would any one else be perturbed by this, that no one seems invested in me, as if i am largely invisible? I have this dream to just fuck off and start again, but that is always hard to do. I have a very 'slight' financial advantage, so could possibly do it (can't afford a house or a move to another country type of advantage, just a good deal of freedom here in the UK).

I love my work (can do remote) and am happy within myself, but I am not sure I like and accept how my life is and how people treat me. I give myself wholly to people I know, and am there for them, but there is never any response the other way around. My friends and small family are lovely people, but something is off. Maybe just bad luck? People are obviously concerned with their own issues, I understand that, but the status quo in my world feels one sided. I am always there. I am up late most nights working and always available when my friends need me.
Sadly it is not the same reversed.

Anyone else in my position, would you make a break and just change it all? I am so tempted but so low on confidence.

People are busy with their own lives - if your friends have families or children or caring responsibilities - these all eat into time that can be devoted to friends.

I understood and appreciated that before posting. I am a bit tired of it, tbh.

for example, i wrote an email to my sister, asking her advice on a small matter. She is generally in touch wit me every day, asking advice and sharing problems. I never usually do that, and this one time met no response. Just a follow up email about her own life as if i had never mentioned anything.

This is so common to me that I am undecided whether I am an alien or just living in shit.

Yes it does sound like your giving nature might be taken advantage of.

if you are frequently telling people u are worried/ ill they are probably bored of hearing it ?

Maybe they see you as the one with all the answers therefore don't feel they could add anything to solve your woes that you wouldn't have already thought of so they kind of brush it under the carpet?

Would it make a difference if you had a chat or met up with your sister instead? It might be hard to advise in text.

Thanks.
I see my sister often, she is just who she is.
as for the reply about me always being worried, no idea where you got that from, i am generally the strong one who doesnt share pain.
I dont have worries in general, just asked some advice.

im not especially 'giving' just normal i think?
Just a bit fed up of the way things are, it's been years like this and no one ever asks how i am or whats up. Small world syndrome probably !

I'm in exactly the same position. No one's priority. Feel a fool for investing in people, always being there to help etc. sorry OP

For instance, my partner, who I live with, just watched me go through covid for 3 weeks, I was quite unwell. Not once, on any day did he ask how i felt, was i better, or did i need anything. Shit like that.

I think i get you, and you feel like an arsehole for saying it. Sometimes the balance does get tipped. Best wishes.

No this isn’t normal and it’s shit. I knew people like this and decided to stop contacting them. There was no big fallout, I just didn’t do the running any more, and guess what - haven’t heard from any of them since.

if they want advice and a listening ear from you they’re piss takers if they can’t offer the same back. I’m sure people will be along to say it’s highly unreasonable to expect friends and family to listen to your problems as that seems to be a weird MN narrative but that’s exactly what friends and family should be for. I’d be looking for avenues to make new friends if I were you

Oh right I see what you mean - crikey!

I think you need to start confronting it. Have you confronted it before?

It seems a bit drastic to start fresh and what then...how would you stop the same dynamics happening again?

I dropped contact with a few people yrs ago for this reason, and like you say.....crickets.

I know my sister and partner love me, but there is definitely a thing where I am untouchable and can't feel pain. I am not confident or achieving so I have no idea why. I am not soft or a push over either, but have started to notice this complete lack of interest in me from all sides. It is a weird loneliness, I exist in my own head and care for myself. If I left, they wouldn't notice apart from my availability - to them.

I Be live largely that people who have children are unavailable as freinds until kids are 16 plus. It's just to much . Some people require no friendship beyond their partner and are also unavailable as freinds. Same with people extremely busy.
That's just the way it is. It's hard to feel like you are nobodies priority.mi feel the same.

Whatever you do next , it's time to meet new people weather it's joining clubs, the wi whatever or setting out in a new place.

Only building new relationships will allow you to find more rewarding friendships. Because sitting home resenting people who just don't have you as a priority is terrible for you and you deserve to be happier.

Very good question, I have thought about this.
I have suffered a lot at the hands of men, good men, but with insecurities that have been left at my feet. I am honestly at a point where I dont want any more of that. I would love companionship and true friendship, but god knows if that's a thing.

I have felt it for a long time, and pushed it aside. People have their issues and so on. But surely we should have at least one person who cares, who asks how we are, sometimes?

I see what you mean, but oddly my issue involves people who are either single, gay, or without children. Only a small few have grown children who are doing well. There's no saying really! In fast the only person who gives me any time is a mother with a disabled child.

For me, I’m totally NT but I do need it spelled out to me when a friend needs support of any kind. I’m ready to give it but I tend to assume single/childfree friends are pretty sorted and together. Icons tbh 🤣 So have you ever been explicit about what you need?

I hear you.

I'm a good listener, and people often pour out their thoughts/worries/troubles to me. It is quite taking-aback sometimes. Mostly, I feel honoured, and as I generally have a pretty balanced outlook it's fine. I like to help people and often I'm good at it.

But while I'm good at helping, listening and offering, I'm really not very much use at all at asking, speaking up, or articulating my own feelings. Sometimes I do feel invisible - lately I've actually felt slightly unreal, as if I'm invisible in the world.

There's self sufficient, and self contained, and then there's the thought that if I really needed help, I don't know who I'd actually ask ... how people treat us is partly how they are themselves and partly how we are. We have to meet them halfway, I think?

Have you ever confronted these people on the subject, OP? I know I don't, I just withdraw.

What I am talking about here is being really ill, a parent dying, a rape, etc. Having a delayed response to the news over a week or two weeks, and then an insipid reply.

A bit more than just life stuff. I have honestly thought about this and put up with it for years, I am just a bit confused now, It doesn't seem right.

I once very slightly mentioned it to my oldest friend, she reacted as if I had cornered her and became angry. Never done that since. I had asked her did she get the email that my dad had died a few weeks previously, she said she had been busy. When her parents were ill or died I was pretty pronto, and concerned about her.

I mean it doesn't take much, for people who are always online, to react to an email about a death. No expectancy right away, but at least within a week or two to acknowledge a person's loss. One fucking line wouldnt kill them.

No, this is horrible and you need better friends. Unless she never saw the mail, but you say she saw it and then was too busy to call you.

Do you only have email contact with your friends and sister though?

I had asked her did she get the email that my dad had died a few weeks previously, she said she had been busy

Yeah that's bad really. Not a great friend is she.

Also your partner should certainly ask how you are during covid and at the very least, make you cups of tea or get Lemsip or get you soup.