To think there is something wrong with my life?

[howlingmoon]

The people I know, I suppose, and how I am living it.
I am honest and decent and prioritise good friends, etc. But lately it is becoming apparent to me that something is decidedly shit.

When I am ill, or worried or hurt, or ask for advice, the people I know don't answer, or reply, as if I had not asked.
This is so common that it's worth mentioning. Alternatively, when people ask me for advice or report pain, I am fairly on the ball to help.
This has been the state of things for many years, but it has only recently started to bother me.

I am at a crossroads strangely enough, my long term relationship is ending, I only have one sibling as rest of family has died, and I am somewhat all alone - didn't have children.

Would any one else be perturbed by this, that no one seems invested in me, as if i am largely invisible? I have this dream to just fuck off and start again, but that is always hard to do. I have a very 'slight' financial advantage, so could possibly do it (can't afford a house or a move to another country type of advantage, just a good deal of freedom here in the UK).

I love my work (can do remote) and am happy within myself, but I am not sure I like and accept how my life is and how people treat me. I give myself wholly to people I know, and am there for them, but there is never any response the other way around. My friends and small family are lovely people, but something is off. Maybe just bad luck? People are obviously concerned with their own issues, I understand that, but the status quo in my world feels one sided. I am always there. I am up late most nights working and always available when my friends need me.
Sadly it is not the same reversed.

Anyone else in my position, would you make a break and just change it all? I am so tempted but so low on confidence.

Old friend is now a few miles away but we are in constant contact via email. Usually light and easy, but whenever there is a problem at her end i am concerned, if only to send a one line enquiry.

She never explained why she didn't react, just poured delayed sympathies and and over reaction. If i have ever questioned anything (and this is rare) I have been pretty much gaslighted.

When my friend's dad died, I went over to her house and helped with funeral arrangements and stayed overnight. When another more distant friend's brother died earlier this year, I sent her texts daily to say I was thinking of her. And then called her as soon as she felt able to talk. I have DC; I do not agree that women with DC cannot surface for 16 years, if only to send a few texts or mails.

I wonder what would happen if you stepped back a little? And made yourself less available?

I notice that when I tell my sis about problems I'm/ the kids are having I get zero response. I had suspected heart failure this time last year, my dd was diagnosed with asd. Both times I told her it was met with silence. TBH I'm not sure if she has always been that way and i have just noticed or she is wrapped up in her own issues. I dont her stuff like that now. In fact increasingly i dont talk to certain people about anything negative im dealing with. Again, not sure if im just becoming more aware as I get older or my support network is shrinking.

I think in all honesty lots of people have shrunk and their worlds have shrunk since covid. They didn't need people in lockdown and I don't think some people will ever return to what they was. You can still value them, but keep expectations lower. Personally I'm looking for new friendships as some of the old ones are now set in new ways that don't fulfil give and take.

Also stop being a people pleaser. I think people take advantage

excellent comment, thank you, i do believe it is a mixture of so many things. I am so used to being there for peope that it might seem weird if i need them. saying that, I do have troubles, and do mention them sometimes, to no avail.

Oh and also you mention rape. It's late and I am not sure if it was your own because I am rushing to get to bed, but if so, I am so sorry and you deserve better friends if they didn't even support you then!

If i have ever questioned anything (and this is rare) I have been pretty much gaslighted

Yes that's something I can relate to with certain people in my life and I have given myself permission to get distance from them.

do we blame covid for too much though? I do think so. It is too easy to attribute shit behaviour to that, especially if we know, deep down, it was going on before.

I'm sorry many of you have been through that, in need of advice or care when it wasn't noticed. Life is like that sometimes and we forgive it, but when it seems to be a pattern, it is different.

I too don't think it has anything to do with kids, I have friend from both sides and the worst don't have any!

I am in the same situation. Totally fed up with self absorbed friends and family.

Sadly my siblings are the worst. It takes a while to realise you do all the giving.
It was only when I came upon hard times (divorce) they were nowhere to be seen and still expecting me to run the length and breadth of the country visiting.

It is partly our own faults for letting these one-sided relationships get such a firm footing. I am not sure what the answer is either but my patience is certainly wearing thin with it all too!

Is it your method of communication that’s letting you down? You seem to be putting deep personal stuff in emails. I don’t know anyone that sends emails like that. Emails are good for work. Can you not limit correspondence to short texts or WhatsApp messages arranging to talk or meet up instead?

nope.
9 times out of 10 it is them putting personal deep stuff, i rarely do it.

and from my OP how the fuck is it obvious i am putting deep stuff in emails apart form rarely? some odd shit here.

thank you for sharing this. I wasn't raised by narcissists.
However,
It may seem trite, but in reality it is as tall as a mountain - you are not alone.

That is dreadful. I would have ended the friendship straight away.

Sorry to hear this, OP. I think instead of moving away, just be less available to people who aren’t available to you.

When people ask you for advice, either ignore it or signpost them to the CAB or The Samaritans.

At the moment people are taking you for granted. Don’t grant it anymore.

You are thoughtful and caring, OP. Sadly, the people around you seem to be the direct opposite. Perhaps try to be less responsive in future; hopefully some will get the hint. If not, then maybe its time to question how important it is to you to have them in your life. Are they worth it if they make you feel this way.

I found I reached my fifties and was reassessing everything especially my relationships. Think it was menopause (I know, I know - it gets the blame for everything!) - suddenly it’s like a veil lifting and you see the unpleasant reality. There’s a couple of ways to go I think. You can go nc with all the dead wood, like a pp did, or down grade and re think how you deal with these friends in future. Give less so you don’t feel so used? I’ve gone the down grade route.
I do think once you see it you can’t un-see it and you have to deal with it in some way to find peace.

This is no criticism of you but if you are a giver and you are always offering to help others and going out of your wa for them
You will attract alot of people who

1.dont want to be your friend but are willing to accept your generosity

1. Leeches who dont care about you, they care bout what you can give them

Stop being so generous and see who still wants to stick around and who turns on you

Hi sister from another mister 💐 you are probably just "better" than them as awful as it sounds lol. You are a nicer, more evolved human being. Unfortunately you have noticed the shitness and are starting to ruminate on it.

I went though a bad time a few years ago and many people stopped replying to me.

But yours sounds like a longer term issue and that you need to surround yourself with good people who share your values about how we should treat each other.

I unfriended the not-replying people.

@pinheadlarry talks a lot of sense.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I can relate to the saying "The disease to please".

Getting older I can see people for what they are after disappointments so basically I can't be fucked with them either. It's liberating.

I have two friends that make contact and keep in touch with me regularly and perhaps another 3-4 that I make contact with regularly to keep in touch with. I don't make much effort with my brothers and one will keep in touch the other never does. I just accept that some people are going to some people less so but you make a choice. Keep making the effort or choose to lose ?

I remember hearing that old chestnut “You get back what you put in…” and thought, “Uh… When, exactly???”
I don’t think you sound like a matyr. I think you are a kind, generous person and you’re waking up (again) to the realization that you have selfish, oblivious people in your life. I suspect you haven’t demanded anything from any of these people at any stage during your relationship with them. It’s absolutely not wrong to expect that your partner should be checking in to see if you’re ok or if you need anything when you’re sick. Are you just a projection of a woman in the screening of his/her life movie or are you real? Why didn’t you ask for what you wanted? Somehow you two have created a pattern where that is the norm. It needs to be undone because silent resentment will erode the relationship when communication has the potential to evolve it.
Your sister didn’t acknowledge your issue. You could have nipped her “ME, me, me…” in the bud by saying, “Did you read my email?”
“Oh yeah! I think, blah blah blah….”
or “No, not yet.”
“Well, could you because I really need to talk to you about it. Go and read it then call me back.”

In other words, I think you need to be better at steering the conversation towards your needs.

I agree with this. The really awful people will just drift away/get angry if you don't attend to their needs. The medium people may step up a bit more if you train them to be more equitable in the friendship by not attending to their every need.

It might be worth investing in some really good therapy or listen to YouTube videos about people pleasing. If you're a nice person, like you sound, you may have developed this habit. Therapy is not only for people who've got depression or anxiety, it can just be a space to be listened to and to work through what's happening in your relationships with someone who will validate how you feel.

At the same time as stepping back from people, I'd start actively seeking new friends. It's a truism, but we do take ourselves wherever we go, and if you don't change how you interact with people, it's unlikely that things will be different if you move. Start paying attention when you meet people as to how they interact.

Once you start noticing this it becomes blindingly obvious which people are caught up in their own stuff and which people are more balanced. If they constantly refer to themselves, for example if you say something that you've been doing, like going on holiday, if they don't ask about it or talk about what you've said then it's likely to be a red flag. Self obsessed people will start by saying what they did when they went to that place or start talking about their holiday or where they're planning to go.

When you meet people, don't start off by being so interested in them that you set the tone for that. Also talk about yourself. Ask fewer questions and talk more.

The people you know may get angry at the change but if so fuck them. If they can't even be bothered to ask about your parent's death or even worse show empathy about a rape then they're not worth bothering with. It's not normal to be so unsupportive. Or at least there are better people out there who will step up when you need them. You just need a better selection procedure.

Finally, I'm so sorry you've been going through so much and I hope things get better for you soon. You deserve so much more.