To think there is something wrong with my life?

[howlingmoon]

The people I know, I suppose, and how I am living it.
I am honest and decent and prioritise good friends, etc. But lately it is becoming apparent to me that something is decidedly shit.

When I am ill, or worried or hurt, or ask for advice, the people I know don't answer, or reply, as if I had not asked.
This is so common that it's worth mentioning. Alternatively, when people ask me for advice or report pain, I am fairly on the ball to help.
This has been the state of things for many years, but it has only recently started to bother me.

I am at a crossroads strangely enough, my long term relationship is ending, I only have one sibling as rest of family has died, and I am somewhat all alone - didn't have children.

Would any one else be perturbed by this, that no one seems invested in me, as if i am largely invisible? I have this dream to just fuck off and start again, but that is always hard to do. I have a very 'slight' financial advantage, so could possibly do it (can't afford a house or a move to another country type of advantage, just a good deal of freedom here in the UK).

I love my work (can do remote) and am happy within myself, but I am not sure I like and accept how my life is and how people treat me. I give myself wholly to people I know, and am there for them, but there is never any response the other way around. My friends and small family are lovely people, but something is off. Maybe just bad luck? People are obviously concerned with their own issues, I understand that, but the status quo in my world feels one sided. I am always there. I am up late most nights working and always available when my friends need me.
Sadly it is not the same reversed.

Anyone else in my position, would you make a break and just change it all? I am so tempted but so low on confidence.

I can relate to this. I think people are largely just really shit. At least the people in my life! Friends, family, so self absorbed it doesn't occur to them to ask 'how are you?'. I experimented with a close family member recently by forcing myself not to ask how she was first, to find out if she asked me how I am. She did not. It's hurtful and absolutely does impact how you feel about those relationships. The 'love' you say your partner and sister feel for you is lazy and not a reason to maintain a one sided relationship. I feel exactly this way with my family - except I have just backed right off and rarely make contact, rather than having a dramatic fallout. I have also tried to challenge them over the years and it doesn't work. You cannot force people to care about you.

Your partner not asking how you are whilst unwell etc, is unforgivable. I would hold my partner to a higher standard of expectation than other family or friends. Though your friend not replying about a parents death is shocking and also a big red flag to move on.

One thing I have noticed is a lot of emails are being sent for things that do not seem trivial to very close friends. I will suggest you pick up the phone and call them. Leave a voice message. Maybe use this to re-evaluate the whole situation and outlook on handling relationships. Emails can be a sign of distancing yourself.

However, your partner not checking on how you are doing is just shit. Even on normal days you should get a how are you? How was your sleep, good morning. General wellbeing checks when living with somebody. So far, there is a lot things that are with people around you.

Bit harsh - Summer fun was asking a question, not being categoric. She said you 'seemed to be' not that it was obvious... I think the tone was trying to reflect in a helpful way. .,, not sure why you flared up?

I agree that sending news by email doesn't have the feel of soliciting support, rather feels more like 'FYI'.... that said, I don't think there is any excuse for ignoring news about a parent's death.

I can understand this pattern being very upsetting. But if this happens with most people, through your life. (Rather than 2-3 specific individuals), then I think the way you come across in the world probably contributes to that. If it is your habit to come across as invulnerable, to pride yourself on your self sufficiency, to the point that you never show your vulnerable underbelly.... if you always cast your self as the carer, rather than the cared for etc.... people will respond to that and shut off their awareness of you as a vulnerable person who needs and deserves support.

I was a bit like this for the early part of my life. To the point that when I was going through divorce because my husband left me, my best friend told me she wasn't worried about me "because you always end up ok and you're so strong". I remember thinking it would be lovely to have just one person who was actually worried about me, because I was in intense pain. But I had a part in that, because I wasn't letting people in.... I was afraid of imposing on people. I thought needing people was a burden on them.... I thought not needing much was a favour to any relationship I was in.... when actually if people feel fundamentally unneeded, they can end up feeling redundant and withdrawing their true care.

Just thoughts.

I think the Op meant that you aren't the only person who feels that way, as evidenced by this thread. Not that you are not alone.

I've recently stopped investing time and effort into friends/mates who don't do the same for me (there's a thread on here somewhere). It's been liberating. It does mean that the people I now still see are genuine friends, but also means I only have two or three of them now.

If you can work remotely why not move and start afresh, maybe a smaller village with a bit of a community. I did this, joined the WA, Zumba class and got involved with local activities. I know a few people now to have a chat but have made one friend who I can go for a cuppa with and a chat

Brilliantly put and great advice

Firstly, please don't read this as blaming you! It's an explanation for how this has come about, and the people who are letting you down are rubbish, it's them not you. However...

You have kept these people in your life, continuing to support them in a one sided way. That's why they are there. If you had limited what you offer, they would have drifted away.

Relationships are forged over time and trials, you didn't 'test' their friendship early in the relationship. For whatever reason, you haven't asked them for anything, leaned on them in any way, until the friendship had become very one sided.

Drop them off quietly, just stop investing in them. Slow down your answers.

Investigate new friendships but this time test them a bit as you go. Reach out. Share your worries, ask for favours. Over time you'll have a better idea of the quality of your new friends and things will be more balanced.

Your current rubbish friends are there because no one else will have them, you've allowed them to stay gratis instead of earning their keep.

I hear you OP. I have gone through the exact thing and felt very isolated at times. When people have trouble, they don't mind calling/texting me, expecting me to be a listener and also asking for advice. But when I do the same, they all just vanish into the thin air ! It's very disconcerting and feels lonely when such things happen.

I am in my early 30s and have gone through lot of hardships in my life. there is a general consensus among my peers and family that I have gone through disproportionately lot of hardships for someone of my age . YET, nobody cares or responds appropriately when I need. Either they say - "oh you are a strong person, you know how to deal with things better than us" or just fails to even show up.

Time and again, I have experienced this and initially I was very very worked up and angry. Even had words with few friends ( so called!) , but to no avail. Finally I have moved on and have stopped sharing altogether 🤷 i now feel it's just waste of my effort.

But I kind of have a set of people - my husband, my mum and two/three friends who never fails to show up.. so I look at the brighter side and move on! Also sometimes try to be the 'old' me, the one being there for others - but the only difference is, I don't prioritize them now. Just talk to them in my spare time. Talk about giving the taste of their own medicine 😄.

I am sorry you have are being treated unfairly OP, but it is what it is.. if you keep getting worked up about this, it only hurts you.. invest in yourself, make yourself a priority/ have hobbies to fill your time. Moving on suddenly would be a drastic measure, so try to be 'less available' to people who don't prioritize you. You will get there in the end 🤗

That's awful, OP. You mentioned earlier that your long-term relationship is ending. That may a good thing, if he's always as uncaring as that. But the break-up could still be disturbing you and making life look bleaker than usual.

I've read several Mumsnet threads by women feeling exactly as you do: giving to everyone but never receiving help when it's needed. I think this is probably quite common. Taking is easy but giving back needs a bit of effort. It's probably not that they don't care about you, just they're used to you being the problem-solver.

Well done for noticing this and deciding to do something about it.

Would going away be the solution? To find out, why not try taking day trips or minibreaks to places you'd consider moving to? These could be fun, you'd be doing something for yourself (for a change?) and getting some ideas of whether a move is what you need.

But first, do look at quick and easy ways you can improve life. Drop the needy friends who never reciprocate. Maybe spend more time with your friend whose child is disabled, the one who actually does make time for you. Talk to old friends you still value, but who seem to have withdrawn from you, and see if you can rekindle the friendship -- but don't put too much energy in if it's not working.

Good luck. Things may be better when the relationship break-up is complete and life settles down again.

Because you mention emailing people more than once. Why post on a public forum and then say “how the fuck” to anything someone’s saying trying to be helpful? We obviously don’t know what is wrong with you or your life, we’re just strangers guessing. Drop the attitude and you might have more luck at life.

@binglebangle567 this isn't my thread and I wouldn't like to talk any further but one should better know the circumstances before being critical on someone's post.

I don't think you have moved from one country 5000+ miles away and moving to another country , totally uprooting your life of 25 years and then trying to adjust to the new culture and society when you absolutely have no local friends/ acquaintances. You speak of having absolutely no one! Well that was how it was for me when I moved here.. All the friends who ever responds to you/ talks to you would ONLY be approachable through texts/phone calls. And think how it would be when even those few people stop responding! Good luck to you!

OP honestly I think the biggest issue here is your partner. If he stepped up and cared like he should, you'd be far less bothered about anyone else. He really should be loving and cherishing you way more than he does. To let you just suffer with COVID for 3 weeks without comment or help is, for example, callous and awful.

Your sister is a bit useless but tbh if that was the only issue I had with my siblings I'd be whooping for joy. Siblings aren't always great. People also exist on different wavelengths - my two best friends and i often dont end up speaking for weeks at a time but we're very similar people and know we are just all busy, and actually only end up meeting once or twice a year sometimes as life gets so crazy! We don't care about eachother any less though. But I suppose it'd have been easy for that energy to be mismatched and one of us to get upset at the lack of contact.

Are there any new groups or hobbies you could join to branch out your friendship group? There are lots of lovely people out there. I do think you'll feel alone until you feel loved by your partner though and your partner sounds like he's doing a very crap job of that at the moment.