When someone asks if you're free on such a day and don't specify why

[Freeda3]

A friend has asked "Are you free next Sunday?" without specifying why. Now, she's done this before and I got roped into going somewhere I really didn't want to because she didn't say what it was until I replied that I was free. As it happens, I am busy next Sunday and told her so but still asked "Why?" That was two days ago and she never responded.

AIBU to expect someone to tell you in their first message why they're asking?

I think yabu - sometimes the suggestion/plan is complicated so no point going into it with people who are busy anyway, sometimes you’re just seeing if somebody is free and then will work out what to do.

If I get a “are you free on x day?” And want to know why they’re asking, I’d usually do a slightly vague not sure, think DH might have something planned, why do you ask?

but if I say I’m free and then they want to do something I don’t want to do, I wouldn’t feel obliged to go or complain of being roped in? I’d just say thanks but not my thing.

so I think maybe the real issue here is you aren’t confident saying you don’t want to do something without the excuse of pretending to be busy?

Totally agree. Don't ask that question without all the detail. If it's bottomless brunch I'm all in but if it's white water rafting then I'm not free at all.

It’s good to have some guidance. We had someone do something similar to us and ended up getting roped into something that was all day.

Oh that's a horrible tactic! It's a way of trying to manipulate people into doing something they might not wish to.

'What are you doing next Tuesday evening?'

a) It's none of their business

b) just because I'll be on the sofa watching telly doesn't mean I'm available to go out with you!!

I had a friend who was a proper shit for this, are you around next weekend? Great you can cat sit!

If she has form for this behaviour, and hasn't replied, it was probably something rubbish - if it was exciting she would have said!

I think that's annoying. It feels like a sneaky way of commiting you to give that time without knowing what you're committing to, putting the other person in the one up position of being able to ask you to drive, pay for sth or just do sth you don't enjoy with people you don't like! Which, just because they're a friend doesn't mean you always have to say yes to!
I would be equally vague and when they say 'are you free?' I would say 'it depends!' 😜

Yanbu the why has to be there

I used to have a friend that would ask "are you free on this day?" And if I was, I'd say yes. Then she'd come back with "Great, I'm going out. Can you babysit my child" and at that point you're kind of stuck. She's not my friend anymore for many reasons, this being one of them.

Just annoyed me a bit that she never came back with what it was. I just don't like to commit to something I may not like or want to do.

Yanbu. In my experience people usually do this when they want to remove your chance to make excuses. My ex-MIL used to do it. I'm generally quite happy to do people favours/ babysit/ walk your dog, but I'm not very social and this is how I ended up roped into going to events and things when I would rather be at home.

I'm almost always "free" but I value my own company, peace and quiet so whilst I'd be happy to walk your dog, pick up your shopping or give you a lift to an appointment, I don't necessarily want to go for lunch or host people for coffee.

Don't any of you have back bones? Just because you've said you're free doesn't mean you're committed to doing whatever the person says they wanted you for. Just say sorry I don't feel like doing that /want to /have the effort /etc etc

I'd hate that - creating faux mystery and testing you to see if you ask why.

It's not really how you communicate with people, is it.

It's on a par with FB updates saying "sitting in A&E"

If the sender wants to just get an idea if mates are free to potentially get together then she can say that.

She's a very extrovert type, always arranging to meet people/ do things, can't sit still. I like time to relax and do nothing sometimes, I need it to recharge.

It depends on who is asking the question. If it’s one group of friends I know we’ll end up getting drunk in a tapas bar somewhere, another friend and I know it’ll be coffee at the same old place while she goes on about everything that’s wrong in her life and I can’t get a word in sideways! I’m always free for the first one, not so much the second.

I always reply with
'It depends'

Or why what's happening?

Wow the absolute cheek!

Why? Is the perfect response.

I absolutely hate this. Same as "can you do me a favour?"

@Tyrozet I feel exactly like you. I'm introverted, like and need my own company, am happy sometimes just pottering, and therefore would like to know what I'm being asked to do.

It’s totally lazy communication! Can be manipulative too.

I much prefer someone to say ‘I’d love to see you, when are you free? I’m free on x

Or ’I’m thinking about doing/going to x, would you like to join me?’

Or ‘can you help me out with x on x date please?’

no assumption or manipulation!

If someone didn’t make it clear what for my first question would be ‘why what’s happening?’

Although tbh I don’t think anyone I know does this, it would be much more normal to say ‘are you free on Sat, thinking of going for a drink/a meal/a day out/could you babysit’ etc

Just say what time and what for.

Or you'd need to check the calendar, why?

Yes, it's annoying. I normally answer "Not sure. What time and what for?" My problem is I have a friend who will ask if you are free, but if you say yes she won't come back with a plan, but she will continue to assume you are free, and then she may contact you on the morning of the date you said you were free on (2 weeks ago) to say "So let's do X", and then be cross when you are doing something else. Or you might hear no more from her on or about that day, which is why I don't save the date.

Just tell me what the plan is!

I do this but I still think it's really rude of the person asking as surely they know you'll want to know why and they are trying to make it so you can't make up an excuse if you don't fancy it.

Don't any of you have back bones?

Don't you understand that being perfectly competent to deal with annoying behaviour does not make the behaviour less annoying?