When someone asks if you're free on such a day and don't specify why

[Freeda3]

A friend has asked "Are you free next Sunday?" without specifying why. Now, she's done this before and I got roped into going somewhere I really didn't want to because she didn't say what it was until I replied that I was free. As it happens, I am busy next Sunday and told her so but still asked "Why?" That was two days ago and she never responded.

AIBU to expect someone to tell you in their first message why they're asking?

I hate this too but disagree with those who say you are stuck. You can say no to things!

Unless they tell you why, I'd say that you have something in your diary (even if you haven't ) but you could try and change the date of it if absolutely necessary!

Just say - should be - what are you thinking of ?

And if you don’t want to do it, say so.

I agree, just say no

YANBU. Free for what - 90 minutes for lunch or for the entire day to help with a house move? Am I free because I’m exhausted and deliberately have planned a quiet day to myself, or am I free but at a loose end and keen to make plans?

I often get 'are you at work today?' (I work irregular shifts) with no further info. I tend to reply with 'I'd be free for coffee/lunch' which narrows it down to what I'm expecting to be the proposal.

Easy to say you’re free then when she suggests something you don’t want to do, just say ‘Not up for that, sorry’.

Yes it manipulative. Awful.

Thats a clever idea

"Dunno, should be. Why?"

If they don't say why, it doesn't go any further.

If they say why and I don't want to do it I say I need to check with OH or I'll get back to them later in the day/week.

If they say why and I want to do then it's a definite yes I'm free.

But it could be a lift to the hospital miles away or something like that. Bit difficult to day no to some things when you've said you're free even if you're 'not up for that'.

I tend to say something like “I’ll check my diary- what’s up?” After all, it’s hard to say whether I’m sufficiently free on the day before knowing the reason- I might be free enough for a coffee but not free for a day trip.

I have a friend who asks this! It’s worse that being trapped into an unwanted activity though. What my friend does is:
Her: ”Are you doing anything on Sunday?”
Me: “Not much, wanna catch up?”
Her: “Oh sorry, I can’t, we’re all going to [awesome activity], I can’t wait, the kids are so excited.”
Me: 🤔🤷‍♀️👏

But that’s why I said you can find out then decide. I didn’t say turn down a lift to hospital for your mate. I said find out then say ‘not up for that’ if it’s something she doesn’t fancy eg going out on the lash/looking after her 5 ill-behaved dogs for a fortnight etc.

But that’s why I said you can find out then decide

You said it's easy to say you are free then decide. I just think that could lead to a potentially awkward situation.

I hate it when I’m asked are you free at some point on Saturday and they don’t specify a time therefore, am I expected to just wait around all day?!

Oh I don't mind that. if that's the question I say at what point I would want. If it doesn't match theirs then I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

I hate this too but disagree with those who say you are stuck. You can say no to things!

It depends what it is. If it's a friend who asks if you're free and then suggests paragliding or something and you don't want to do it, you can then say it's not your thing.
If it's someone who needs you to do them a favour such as take them to Ikea to pick up furniture or to catsit or look after their child or something, it's then really awkward to wriggle out of it. What are you then supposed to say? You're forced into either going along with it or causing a massive drama by saying "No, I don't want to do that", or "No, I'm not up for that, sorry".

It's rude and manipulative of the person asking. The only people I know who do this are asking for something not that exciting or for some kind of favour. It's deliberate - so that you can't use the "sorry, I'm busy" excuse later. They are then extremely offended when you say you don't want to/can't do it. And can use the "but you're free/not doing anything else" statement to push you into it.

I'm a musician and I get people ringing up asking if I'm free on such and such a date with no explanation. I might or might not want to do the gig for various reasons. I might be technically "free" on that date but need to time to rest or to practise for another gig. When I was starting out I just used to say "yes, I'm free" and they'd then say "oh, great, blahblah" and it would often turn out to be something that I really didn't want to do. Difficult then to back out.

However, I learnt pretty darn quick.
"Are you free on such and such a date?"
"I'll have to check my diary. What's it for?"
"Blah blah"
"Ok, I'll get back to you on that by the end of the day"

Go away, "check diary" (which is all in my head anyway), decide what to do and then phone them back.
Also gives me a way to say no if I decide that they aren't willing to pay enough for the time and expense it will cost me.

Agree with this. Just because you’re free doesn’t make you obliged to do what they’re suggesting if you don’t fancy it, and it absolutely doesn’t make you obliged to catsit/babysit etc! CFs.

People do this because they're trying to commit you in a sneaky way. Don't ever say yes. always say I'll have to check and let you know - what's up?

My friends would always just ask if I can look after their cat/water their plants/want to go out for a drink.

It's manipulative to do this

Yes you might not be up for taking your mate to the hospital. Its awkward.

You can always say you are not busy and then when they ask for the favour still say no as you are having a quiet day etc. you are not obliged to do it niyst because you aren’t “busy”

My stock reply is always "not sure yet, why?" I had a friend who always did this, and it was inevitably because she needed childcare!

It a way to manipulate your ability to respond, thinking you'll feel rude if you say, "i'm free but don't want to do [suggested activity]". I would just say, "I don't know yet, I'll check my diary".

But you might not want or be able to give the mate a lift to the hospital for whatever reason. And then you really are stuck, because you look like a shit.
You have to start explaining why you can't do that.

They should just say in the first place. "Look, I'm really stuck. I've got a hospital appointment on Friday afternoon at 3 pm and I've got no way of getting there because they say I need to be collected afterwards and can't make my own way back. Is there anyway you could do it?"

Just be clear initially. Instead of all this "Are you free on Friday afternoon?" nonsense.