When someone asks if you're free on such a day and don't specify why

[Freeda3]

A friend has asked "Are you free next Sunday?" without specifying why. Now, she's done this before and I got roped into going somewhere I really didn't want to because she didn't say what it was until I replied that I was free. As it happens, I am busy next Sunday and told her so but still asked "Why?" That was two days ago and she never responded.

AIBU to expect someone to tell you in their first message why they're asking?

In this type of scenario I usually say "At the moment it looks like I'm unlikely to be free. Why do you ask?" as I don't like to commit myself to something I don't want to do. Then, when I find out what it is and if I want to do it, I say "Leave it with me and I'll get back to you later in the day".

If they've got form for roping you into stuff then say "no, why?"

Then I say "no,why" that should have read.

Yes, YANBU. One useful response is,

"Oh, I don't know, I really ought to sort out xyz / might be helping my friend move house, why do you ask?" Then if what is on offer appeals to you, you can check and discover that you are free after all.

You can "check" pretty quickly, ten minutes tops. For example, "I do have a prior commitment but I'll just ring and see if we can change it" followed swiftly be "No, sorry, I'm not available."

The answer is to play them at their own game and just say 'it depends' - you don't have to be coy about it.

Well surely you can give a headline description "are you free next Sunday? Trying to sort something out for Bob's 40th".

Then at least you have some idea what you're committing/ don't want to commit your Sunday to.

I don't like this either. I would typically reply 'Why, what are you thinking?' If you say yes and then don't like the idea of what they have planned it makes it difficult to say no.

Then if they reply with a plan and I don't want to do it, can thank them for thinking of me but I had kept the day free deliberately as exhausted etc. and just want to do very little.

Another one is 'can you send me a list of the days/evenings you are free next week'...

@JanetSally - yeah normally I would say why I’m asking, but I get why people don’t always. But I wouldn’t feel that I’d committed to doing anything just being I said I’d be free. So I guess it’s about how much of a people pleaser you are/how confident you are to say haha no I’m not babysitting or whatever!

For that I usually just reply something like "I've got quite a few things on next week, what do you have planned and I'll let you know any time I have free that suits?"

Usually that's totally true anyway - between work, errands, my gym classes, DDs schedule, other social meetings I've already booked in etc I need to know if you are thinking of a free hour for coffee/a whole morning to take you to an appointment in the city an hour away/an evening to babysit your kids/a whole day to help you move house ... I have availability (or can move things to make time) for some of those things in my schedule but not others.

My neighbour does this all the time but it's to establish that I don't have plans and will feel pressured to say yes to a favour because I'm too bloody polite to say "no because I just don't want to."

CF: "Are you busy on Friday?"

Me: "I'm not sure. What time?"

CF: "Do you have plans on Fri then? What are you doing?"

I'll make something up that takes all day then spend the entire fucking day in hiding knowing that they know I'm actually home because it's not like I can hide my car.

So many times I've had to just ignore messages and pretend I haven't seen them. They don't drive. I do. Therefore if I don't want to save them from getting soaked walking to the shop a few streets away, I'm just being mean cos it's obviously no trouble for me, right? Sometimes I have to think and weigh up how important good neighbourly relations is when they could easily fall out with us.

"I'll have to check my diary/with DP/with whoever and I'll let you know. Why?"

And I won't enter into a discussion until I'm told why.

I've come to the conclusion relatively recently that life is far too short to do things you don't want to, just out of some kind of politeness because you don't want to say no.

Argh! I hate this. I say I'm free them have to do something hideous, lie or say I don't want to & hurt their feelings.

Had one on Friday & responded:
"Depends what you're after"

But normally go for the slightly more polite "I haven't got my diary with me right now, what are you thinking?"