To expect a proper lie-in?

[ClaphamAndCheese]

DH games or watches films or goes out on Friday - always to bed late (2am/3am) and then he has a lie in until 11 or so. I look after both the DC (pre-school) Sat morning.

I work full time and do 9 out 10 night wakes. Which at the moment is mainly the older DS (3.5) who keeps having nightmares and crying for "Mummy please be in my bed etc" and then refusing to sleep, cuddling me.

Anyway - Sunday is my morning. I don't go to bed late on Saturday but that's not the point.

DS1 (3.5) just comes up the stairs again and again from 6am. Waking me up. Turning the lights on. Telling me it's morning. He just covered himself in E45 cream pretending to be a skeleton. He's a tricky kid and is actually on referral pathway for dyslexia or ASD - he can become quite obsessive. BUT - DH doesn't make any effort to stop DS coming up the stairs. It's not easy to stop him when he gets it in his mind I know, but still.

DH just says he's got the younger one and DS is "obsessed with you". After being woken up for the fourth time, I took him downstairs again and said that DH could make more of an effort

DH said "can't believe you're blaming me for DS behaviour again"

WTF. DS is 3. Surely it's a reasonable expectation that DH tries to keep DS downstairs so I can sleep???

DH then snapped "no baby number 3 for you if you're this strung out because your kids waking you up"

I mean. Unnecessary no?

I am tired so maybe it's not a big deal, but it's my only time of the week where I am alone.

I said "Why do you get to sleep until 11am on Saturday, and i don't even get back 6.30am without being woken up" and he said "not my fault your kids are obessed you with"

God I hate him sometimes.
I hate him too OP & I don't even know him. Or have to live with him.
he is suffocatingly unfair & when you state this fact, he DARVO's you - it's hard to believe he called YOU a bully! -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

He came home from the shop (he goes to the gym too), then gave DS2 a huge sugary bun thing right before nap time and I'm still trying to get DS2 to go to sleep an hour later, and now he's given DS1 his phone so he can watch netflix while I do all the laundry and sort the house for the week.
So he works full time - big deal, so do you - does only 1/10 night wake, goes out every Friday leaving you in sole charge, gets a saturday lie-in, does to the gym to get away from his family while you are in sole charge, then goes shopping for hours - leaving you in sole charge.

When is HE ever in sole charge? Apart from an hour on a sunday, in which he actually ignores his DC to the extent that older DS is left at risk, then wakes you up? Or just handing his 3 year old a phone to watch Netflix on.
Does he EVER do any actual parenting?

He's done his bit though he did the shop. And I'm being uptight about DS2 being given huge amount of sugar before bed.
He doesn't NEED to do the shop.
You have already said it can be done online but that won't give him an excuse to bunk off will it?
The sugar is Disney dadding. He gets to issue the treat AND to sabotage DS2's nap. Note that HE gets all the time off while YOu get to be the one trying to get DS" to sleep. Why can't H do that?
And why is it only you doing laundry & putting the house to rights while he sist on his arse?

Sometimes it's like I've got someone sabotaging me rather than helping"!
Yup.
That sugar bun was deliberate. As is his refusal to let you have your agreed lie-in.

But on paper - he's doing the food shop, he got up with the kids this morning, he bought the kids treats, he's currently "looking after" DS1 etc.
But he's not 'looking after' them is he? He's just shoving screentime at DS1 while you struggle to get DS2 to sleep. Then do chores.

That's why i can't get through to him. He thinks i'm ungrateful.
Grateful for what?
9/10 night wakes?
No weekend lie-in?
No Friday night out?
No leisurely gym trip?
No skiving off for hours 'doing the food shop'?

He doesn't think you;re ungrateful. he knows the facts just as well as you do. He's a manipulative, selfish bullying sod who is just shutting down your objections by refusing to acknowledge that they are genuine.

Is Saturday morning lie-ins need to end. Can't believe you put up with this.

His (sorry)

😂😂😂
Family man my arse.

You acted as you did with the whole 'stick together' response because humans cling to familiarity. Change is scary, & divorce is disruptive.

But ... spend some time daydreaming about that excited feeling you had.
Some creative visualisation would do you some good right now.
Everything from the relief of not having to live with his stonewalling & gaslighting, to the practicalities of equity, assets, & moving. Do your own browsing on Rightmove. Dream about where you could go, how life would look, & above all - how it would FEEL to no longer have to tolerate this crap.

Oh it just gets worse. Do yourself a massive favour and tell him to fuck off.

Maybe next Saturday night after the kids are in bed, you head out to a friend's for the night or a hotel room. Tell him this week you'll do the shop before you come home and he can take care of the house stuff.

You get a lie-in and a bit of a break.

If you feel like being an asshole, next time he says about the three kids be like "I already have 3, so no worries there".

Thanks all.

I will talk to him. I have tried marriage counselling but he wasnt interested.

Leaving feels terrifying but particularly at the moment as we have a cheap mortgage etc, and i have looked at what i could afford with new mortgage rates and it's basically a cardboard box.

I just want him to listen to me. He just rejects any idea that he isn't the ideal husband/dad.

You're flogging a dead horse. Banging your head against a brick wall. Etc. The fact that he was looking at one bedroom flats says it all.

You're going to split up at some point, might as well get it over with and move on with your life.

Have you posted about him and the Friday night gaming / lie in matters before ?

It seems familiar.

Either way YANBU.

Well if you're not getting a lie-in, then as you send the kids in on Saturday morning, you can cheerfully exclaim that you thought you obviously aren't doing lie-ins any more. Unless there's a lie-in for you the next day of course. tinkly laugh

I just read some more. LTB.

Do a click and collect and tell him when it’s ready to be picked up! He has no excuse than to take ages.

I'm sure the kids wouldnt be as obsessed with him if he actually interacted and played with them a bit more. It is possible to improve their relationship but it needs a lot of effort from him.

I would get my ducks in a row OP I can't see how you can do 18 more years of this. And in the mean time, book in at a premier inn or a mates house every Saturday night so you can sleep in

"....your kids...."

Very telling language. They're his kids too, but he wants to disavow that and distance himself from it with his word-choice.

Assuming you do most of the cooking, I'd sort out a food delivery for next Sunday morning at 10am......you have till the night before to continue to amend it, and just don't tell him!

He'll be intending to swan off for his several hours long food shop (that is actually just him escaping any actual parenting) but then the shop will tip up and he won't now have that excuse.

Do you have anywhere you can go on a Saturday night regularly? Eg a friend or family member who you could stay with for a few Saturday nights.

"DH I thought I'd make it easier for you to manage the children on Sunday morning while I have my lie in, if I'm not here they won't be tempted to come see me as much and you'll find it much easier, and it will get them into a routine of not needing me on a Sunday morning"

For the first Sunday make sure to have a proper lie in, have a leisurely morning and then maybe even take yourself out for lunch ....if questioned then just let him know you slept so long as it's been so long since you've had a lie in that your body obviously needed the rest!!!

I have two with additional needs and neither DH or I get a lie in. We just both get up and get on with it at weekends. Saves squabbles about these types of issues. Going to bed super early each evening works just as good...

I'd be going out Saturday night next weekend and booking myself into the local Premier Inn, quite honestly. I'm pretty sure check out is about 12.00 pm. Lie in til 11, before coming home.

He can suck it up and deal with the kids. He sounds awful by the way.

You need to be realistic here, he is going to go son. Start putting away every spare penny you can after paying towards every bill you have. Bugger off and stay with friends for the odd night and have a bit of R&R before he buggers off.