To expect a proper lie-in?

[ClaphamAndCheese]

DH games or watches films or goes out on Friday - always to bed late (2am/3am) and then he has a lie in until 11 or so. I look after both the DC (pre-school) Sat morning.

I work full time and do 9 out 10 night wakes. Which at the moment is mainly the older DS (3.5) who keeps having nightmares and crying for "Mummy please be in my bed etc" and then refusing to sleep, cuddling me.

Anyway - Sunday is my morning. I don't go to bed late on Saturday but that's not the point.

DS1 (3.5) just comes up the stairs again and again from 6am. Waking me up. Turning the lights on. Telling me it's morning. He just covered himself in E45 cream pretending to be a skeleton. He's a tricky kid and is actually on referral pathway for dyslexia or ASD - he can become quite obsessive. BUT - DH doesn't make any effort to stop DS coming up the stairs. It's not easy to stop him when he gets it in his mind I know, but still.

DH just says he's got the younger one and DS is "obsessed with you". After being woken up for the fourth time, I took him downstairs again and said that DH could make more of an effort

DH said "can't believe you're blaming me for DS behaviour again"

WTF. DS is 3. Surely it's a reasonable expectation that DH tries to keep DS downstairs so I can sleep???

DH then snapped "no baby number 3 for you if you're this strung out because your kids waking you up"

I mean. Unnecessary no?

I am tired so maybe it's not a big deal, but it's my only time of the week where I am alone.

I said "Why do you get to sleep until 11am on Saturday, and i don't even get back 6.30am without being woken up" and he said "not my fault your kids are obessed you with"

What a cop out with him saying that to you. Of course he can and should be able to keep both the children occupied downstairs, you can do it and let him have a lie on, why can't he.

I wouldn't be able to relax knowing he was so untrustworthy with the children. Leaving one alone for that amount of time in the bathroom is dangerous.

You can buy extra tall stair gates, a lot of places do them, we actually used ones for dogs, as they come really tall, when ours were able to climb over. They are identical to baby gates and some brands you can build them to fit the space you need blocking off. We had gates on every doorway and top and bottom of stairs.

My DH has a lie in on Saturday but it is practically impossible for me to keep my son away from him. My son is 4.

Therefore we lock the bedroom door (we live in a bungalow). Also sometimes my DH will park his car where my son won't see it and I'll tell him he's out on a message.

He still might go down and knock on the door but he can't get in.

On my lie in my son doesn't care where i am.

When he throws the ‘No 3rd baby for you’ tell him you already have a 3rd, it’s him! Tell him to do some bloody parenting for a change.

This is where you say that you’ll do the food shop. First you get a coffee and a nice bun and sit in your car for about an hour (because I bet he’s doing this!) 💐💐

You could be describing my life when my kids were small. I would get a slap from my then 3 year old.

My dh told me how hard it was , and hurtful, to be with his own children and they just seem to want mum. I think he used to give up and let her come upstairs to see me, I think it wore him down.

A few years later it's all "daddy, daddy" and I was scorned. That hurt sometimes, but it's natural.

I, like you, went to bed at a normal time in part as I did all night feeds, but because I knew I would not get the lie-in I wanted.

In the end I lowered my expectations and just got up. Mind you I was a SAHP.

The kids aren’t obsessed with you. They’re turning to the parent that they can rely on to provide what they need. Tell him that’s the difference.

Sit him down and ask him what he thinks his role should be compared to yours, as you are both working full time. If he agrees a plan of action (Saturday lie in for him, Sunday for you), doing 50% of overnights etc, then great, enforce that. WhatsApp whatever you agree and ask him to reply to the message to confirm he agrees. Explain that this is to avoid any misunderstandings, or confusion, later.

If the discussion doesn’t go the way you want, explain to him that the Saturday lie ins will stop and you’ll need to wake him during the night too. Then follow through. He can either share the workload, or he can lose the free time he has. I would go as far as putting the kids in the same room as him on Saturday morning, then taking yourself off for a long bath, or shower. Spend time getting dressed, doing your hair and makeup/whatever your routine is, then take yourself out for breakfast somewhere. Or use those mornings to get “out of home” chores done, like shopping. At night, get up, turn on your bedroom light, whatever you need to do, to ensure his night is disturbed too. When he complains, tell him you’re happy to revisit the discussion about 50/50. Stick to your guns. Will things be bad between you for a while? Yes! But right now, they’re just bad for you and he has no incentive to change his ways.

Talk first, then act.

He needs to take the kids out on Sunday mornings, work, play center, park wherever but that's his new role

I think this is probably quite common.

It sounds like he is just sitting there & not actually doing anything. Probably stuck CBeebies on & sat reading. He would be better taking them out for a walk.

You should wake him up next Saturday. He will probably be difficult though. Some men assume they need sleep but don't offer the same support for their partners.

I would be concerned that your house doesn't sound child-proof and that your son made it to the bathroom to cover himself with cream and wasn't missed.

What if he had covered himself in something corrosive, swallowed something or even run a scalding bath in an effort to get the cream off.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of who does what, the fact is there were two adults in the house-one in bed and one doing a half-arsed job of looking after a toddler-while said toddler was able to amuse himself in a dangerous bathroom.

So either he takes the kids with him, or you go and do the food shop and have a nice lazy breakfast to yourself at the same time!

Why don't you just put a lock on the inside of the bedroom door and sleep with earplugs in? That's what I'd do. Then the child won't get in to wake you up and it's on the dh to lead him away, placate him etc...

You need to sit doen and talk.
No pint doing tit for tat regarding his Saturday lie in. You are both adults, sit down and discuss it with him.
His choice to stay up late Fridays, he gets a lie on Saturday.
Your choice to go to bed earlier Saturdays, you get a lie on Sunday. It sounds perfectly reasonable and fair but only if you both follow the general rule of keeping the kids downstairs amused while the other rests.
Get yourself good ear plugs and lock your bedroom door.

DH and I both worked full time, we had two under 2 and this is what we did.
The only time it changed was if one of us was ill, then the other took over regardless of whose turn it was.

OP he's just a selfish person who wants to make you believe its your fault he cant do any more. That way, he doesn't have to do any more!

That's why he's selfish. He doesn't WANT to do any of these things , feels forced and like its unfair on him. Its easier to tell you its your fault.

I did try to discuss it with him. That's when he got all defensive and told me 'no baby number 3 if you're going to get some stressed out' and then when i tried to talk to him again - he told me i was bullying him.

I will try again.

I'd put good money on him taking himself out for brunch every week and then having groceries from a click and collect order loaded into the car on the way back.

Order them online and give him a chore that is actually helpful.

Or take it in turns to have your own morning out each week.

no baby number 3 for you if you're this strung out because your kids waking you up
not my fault your kids are obessed you with

"Your kids"? WTF is that about?

maybe it's not a big deal

It is a very big deal.

What else does he do and say?

order the groceries online yourself.

Switch your lie ins. You get Saturday. He gets as much time on Sunday as you had on Saturday.

But really he’s a prick and you’re better off spending your time getting your ducks in a row and finding support from family and Gingerbread, the charity that supports single parents

Next Sat morning put the radio on loud & start hoovering upstairs.

A grocery shop shouldn't take such a long time, so I'd agree with him doing something else for himself with at least some of that time.

DH said "can't believe you're blaming me for DS behaviour again"
& I can't believe he reckons he's not responsible for his son's behaviour.

WTF. DS is 3. Surely it's a reasonable expectation that DH tries to keep DS downstairs so I can sleep???
I said "Why do you get to sleep until 11am on Saturday, and i don't even get back 6.30am without being woken up" and he said "not my fault your kids are obessed you with"
He just doesn't believe it's his job to be a parent does he?

DH then snapped "no baby number 3 for you if you're this strung out because your kids waking you up"
Does he think he's your boss? Headteacher? What?
Is he always this domineering & dismissive? That was such a bullying remark - how dare he?

He sounds horrible OP.
You work full time too, but are doing 9/10 of the night wakes.
He gets his lie in, but deliberately sabotages yours.

btw - your DC are not "obsessed" with you. They just know their dad doesn't care about them as much as mum does. He's trained them to expect to run to mum when they want comfort, because dad won't give it. He's trained you too - let me guess, you do all the night wakes because when you had your babies, he never bothered, so is now "unable" to soothe his own children to sleep?

LTB. This is not an overreaction. He's monumentally selfish, a shit father and partner, has no interest in listening to your concerns or making any effort to change. LTB LTB LTB.

This is what i was thinking. On Saturday at 6:30am play a game with the kids called "let's wake daddy up". Get them to go into his room and jump on his bed saying "daddy daddy wake up, it's morning". And they can't stop playing the game until daddy gets out of bed.

God I hate him sometimes. He came home from the shop (he goes to the gym too), then gave DS2 a huge sugary bun thing right before nap time and I'm still trying to get DS2 to go to sleep an hour later, and now he's given DS1 his phone so he can watch netflix while I do all the laundry and sort the house for the week.

He's done his bit though he did the shop. And I'm being uptight about DS2 being given huge amount of sugar before bed.

Sometimes it's like I've got someone sabotaging me rather than helping"!

But on paper - he's doing the food shop, he got up with the kids this morning, he bought the kids treats, he's currently "looking after" DS1 etc.

That's why i can't get through to him. He thinks i'm ungrateful.

Do an online shop for next Sunday. Tell him about the delivery on Saturday night so that it can’t be cancelled.

Tell him that he would have to have the DC on his own for whole weekends if you left him (unless he plans to never see his children). You would get a regular break including a full night sleep if you ltb.

I actually saw on rightmove a few weeks back that he had been searching for one bedroom flats to rent in his home town. He said he was looking for 'investment research' but doesn't have the money to do that. I knew he was lying.

I actually did the whole 'look, i know it's hard but we've got to stick together' talk about finding that.

And he said 'I am not going to leave you. I am a family man. I'm here for you. I would never abandon you'

And I acted all relieved

I have no idea why I acted like that. Part of me felt a bit excited at the thought of him fucking off to his old home town.