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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to go alone

60 replies

Kafta · 13/11/2022 07:51

AIBU to stop going with DH to visit MIL?

She's very hard work. She talks continually about herself, repeats very boring long-winded stories over and over (even if you tell her she's told you, she'll continue) and if you try to talk, she actually shouts over you.

DH completely shuts down when we see her, and often falls asleep (he does this when stressed!) so I get the full torrent of it.

I used to be polite and nod in the right places etc but last year she made some really thoughtless comments that hurt me, so now I just honestly don't like her that much.

Last visit, I told DH he really needs to help steer the conversation away from her trigger points of repeated stories and not shut down so that I'm the only one being talked at. He promised he'd try but it was the same again. He fell asleep and MIL talked at me and over me for 3 hours. With the same stories I've heard for a decade. She will also get me to do jobs for her while I'm there so it's not a nice easy visit, I'll be calling the broadband provider or sorting her licence renewal or searching insurance deals - there's always a 'job' she wants help with.

I don't think it's fair - it's his mum, not mine, it's hardly a visit for him when he switches off!

I want to tell him that this Christmas he can make plans to see her and I won't be coming, but I know deep down he likely just won't go at all. But that's his decision, isn't it?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 13/11/2022 07:54

Not unreasonable whatsoever.
Your DH should be doing those jobs for his mother, not you.

How convenient for him that he falls asleep when stressed, I've never heard of this!

His .other, he can go alone. No need for you to accompany him if you don't want to.

ZekeZeke · 13/11/2022 07:56

His mother he can go alone

ConnieTucker · 13/11/2022 07:57

Wow what an absolute waste of space your dh is in that situation. That would really ring alarm bells for me. What if you were to get seriously ill? Would he sleep through it?

YellowTreeHouse · 13/11/2022 07:57

I don’t think repeating the same stories is an issue. All older people do that because they’re reminiscing, and they don’t want to stop even though they know you’ve heard it before because they enjoy telling it.

She shouldn’t talk over you though. It sounds like you’re just different people and you’re not interested even though she’s your MIL.

Oddieconvert · 13/11/2022 07:58

How frequently do you see her?

Oddieconvert · 13/11/2022 07:59

To me she sounds very very lonely

and unfortunately has a somewhat useless son

ThatshallotBaby · 13/11/2022 08:00

Oh yes. I tried so hard, pathetically I see now, to forge a relationship with MIL. Now I am polite, but I leave dh to it.
How Will your dh react?
Good luck. You are in the right here.

Dotcheck · 13/11/2022 08:02

I said YABU….

Perfectly understandable to not go/ go less. Maybe not so reasonable for you to launch your plan at Christmas 😂

By the way, does her behaviour change if you guys are DOING something?

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2022 08:04

If he'll just dodge it by not going by himself then how about tackling it right there.

Wake him up. Keep shaking him awake.

You fell asleep again. Your mum is talking to you.

ShellyBelley · 13/11/2022 08:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KangarooKenny · 13/11/2022 08:08

Absolutely he should go alone. Not your problem.

billy1966 · 13/11/2022 08:09

Why on earth have you put up with this.

Your husband is selfish and lazy and could care less that you are taking the load.

Stop going and don't give it another thought.

Original poster
Kafta · 13/11/2022 08:09

ConnieTucker · 13/11/2022 07:57

Wow what an absolute waste of space your dh is in that situation. That would really ring alarm bells for me. What if you were to get seriously ill? Would he sleep through it?

It it very hard to deal with!

To be fair to him he is getting better, it's part of his symptoms as he has PTSD (ex army, he's been through horrendous tours) and when very stressed (I think there are buried issues with his Mum, he never felt loved etc, broken home) he'll suffer an awful migraine and his brain just wants sleep.

He's working on it with medication and therapy so he is trying hard, I think he'd be fine with a situation stress like an emergency but it seems to be emotional triggers, if that makes sense.

But I just can't take going with him to MILs anymore!! It's painful. Especially since her hurtful comments. But I feel obligated to support him, so I'm torn.

OP posts:
reallyworriedjobhunter · 13/11/2022 08:11

I think it's fine for him to see her alone. I go and visit my Mum and Dad by myself. I think it's a pretty normal thing to do.

DH is also just like this with his Mum - will not countenance spending time with her without me and the DC. I don't get on with her at all but it's civil and I have totally stepped back.

He organises it so that all his time with her is chaotic and dominated by our three small kids and leaves him not really able to do jobs for her. Which he likes as it gets him out of a proper conversation with her and leaves no time for him to help her out.

He even makes sure he only rings her just before he has something else to do so that he has an excuse to sign off quickly - and it's always a FaceTime with the whole family so they can't catch up properly. It drives me bonkers so I have totally stepped back.

If she is here I leave them to it and get on with bits and pieces in the background. We very rarely visit her because I now leave it to him to organise, which he rarely does, and he never goes alone. Not once in 12 years.

IhateMattHancock · 13/11/2022 08:13

He's pushing her on to you and completely abdicating his responsibilities.
I bet he doesn't fall asleep at the wheel or when he's doing something he enjoys.

picklemewalnuts · 13/11/2022 08:14

When he falls asleep, you must wake him up. It's very rude to sleep when you are visiting someone, so the appropriate response is 'Oh dear, he's very tired, I'd better take him home'. Every time. Hopefully she'll stop whatever it is that triggers him into sleep.

Also, why not take her out? Meet her in a park or at a pub?

Why doesn't he do the jobs, so he doesn't fall asleep?

You both seem really passive in this situation. There're other ways to respond before effectively abandoning her. Take some responsibility for changing something that's not working. It's not your job to manage his mum, but it is your job to support him by helping him manage his mum if he isn't able to.

Oddieconvert · 13/11/2022 08:25

What a convenient response to stress!

i sympathise with him

But op - you wake him up. You visit twice a year if that. Job done

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 08:31

Honestly, stop going. Your DH is making a mug of you.

LaGioconda · 13/11/2022 08:33

My FIL used to tell the same stories endlessly, spinning out the agony by long significant pauses. He also had a tendency to say things he thought would shock me and to watch for my reaction - even thought I ignored it every time - till I pointed out that I heard much more extreme stuff during the course of my work on a fairly routine basis. Ultimately I learnt to take crochet or knitting with me, preferably the more complex projects, so I could concentrate on that and tune him out. If you can't avoid going round, you might like to try something similar.

Wayk · 13/11/2022 08:40

To support your husband could you not go for shorter visit. I would have no issue helping the lady with ringing companies for her. His mother will not be around forever, the lady could have mental health issues.

ittakes2 · 13/11/2022 08:41

How old is your m’n’law? She sounds lonely to me. She’s telling old stories because not much is happening in her current life. Not everyone is good at skyping.
I am not sure what you are asking for - permission not to go? Surely that’s up to you as an adult or a discussion between you and your husband. The question is why do you feel guilty about not wanting to go and asking for reassurance from the internet about it? That’s the real question because most people would sort this out with a conversation with their partner.

Original poster
Kafta · 13/11/2022 08:48

Thank all! To answer - She's 65, in good health, no mental health issues - some great suggestions to think about here.

I do feel for DH, he finds it hard interacting with her and feels put down. She never even remembers his birthday!

OP posts:
ThatshallotBaby · 13/11/2022 08:49

@Kafta’s MIL has also made some unkind comments about her. How much do you take before bowing out, gracefully or not.

Oddieconvert · 13/11/2022 08:51

OP how frequently??

KenCoff · 13/11/2022 08:54

I agree with PP MIL sounds lonely and hasn't got enough going on in her life to have new stories to tell.
Can you take her out for a coffee and a walk or for lunch?
She's saving up things she needs help with, that's common with older people (I'm assuming she's older and not 60 and still working). Get DH to do those jobs when he arrives before he sits down and falls asleep!

And yes I would get him to go on his own sometimes and go together other times. That way he has to take the lead and be involved. It's his mother, I'd be sad if one of my kids came to visit and fell asleep for most of the visit, leaving me with their partner