To tell DH to go alone

[Kafta]

AIBU to stop going with DH to visit MIL?

She's very hard work. She talks continually about herself, repeats very boring long-winded stories over and over (even if you tell her she's told you, she'll continue) and if you try to talk, she actually shouts over you.

DH completely shuts down when we see her, and often falls asleep (he does this when stressed!) so I get the full torrent of it.

I used to be polite and nod in the right places etc but last year she made some really thoughtless comments that hurt me, so now I just honestly don't like her that much.

Last visit, I told DH he really needs to help steer the conversation away from her trigger points of repeated stories and not shut down so that I'm the only one being talked at. He promised he'd try but it was the same again. He fell asleep and MIL talked at me and over me for 3 hours. With the same stories I've heard for a decade. She will also get me to do jobs for her while I'm there so it's not a nice easy visit, I'll be calling the broadband provider or sorting her licence renewal or searching insurance deals - there's always a 'job' she wants help with.

I don't think it's fair - it's his mum, not mine, it's hardly a visit for him when he switches off!

I want to tell him that this Christmas he can make plans to see her and I won't be coming, but I know deep down he likely just won't go at all. But that's his decision, isn't it?

I feel for you and your DH!
Short visits. Is she any better outside the home? Could you meet her somewhere for a walk for example, so conversation can be directed around other topics and your DH can't go to sleep but could have contact with it being less intense?

If it were me I’d take her out, something else to focus on, and if you’re up and about your DH will need to stay awake. But Tbh if it’s that bad I think I’d go low contact, your DH needs to make his own decisions to see her or not. You also need to put your own MH as a priority. Very hard from what you’ve said, I hope you find a good solution 💐

I personally would be ok doing jobs but not sitting getting talked at so I'd try and get on with things and leave them to it. Or go out somewhere and do something, a nice lunch or something so that at least there is something to enjoy

When I remarried my dh was just rebuilding his relationship with his dm. I encouraged it tbh. Sadly dh became withdrawn and ultimately mil dumped him (and us).. Maybe fading her out will be good for your dh's mh... Having a dm in your life isn't always for the best.

Seriously, stop facilitating this, I’m bloody sick of ‘wifework’ meaning you have to organise the DH’s family relationships, it’s batshit. If he doesn’t want to see her and she’s nasty to you, just stop organising it. If it means he no longer sees her, then that’s his issue. It sounds like it’s pretty torturous for him anyway, why add to his stress?

This woman is only 65. She doesn't need you to help her with her broadband provider etc.
As a pp said, if she treated your DH so badly he has a stress response when you visit her, why exactly do you owe her these visits? She uses you as a captive audience for her monologues, and she clearly isn't interested in you because she shouts you down when you try to speak.

Completely agree.

OP, your MIL is a nasty cow.

You need counselling to figure out why your self esteem is so low that you would accept this.

One nasty comment and she wouldn't see someone with self respect for months.

This is my friends do in the face of rudeness like this, or remarks about parenting.

They become 100% busy and unavailable and their husbands are left to deal with all contact as they no longer answer their phone.

It has been most effective with parents and in laws that are unreasonable.

Life is just too short.

Personally any husband who wouldn't accept this wouldn't be worth staying married to.

@AmandaHoldensLips well done.
Best to start how you mean to go.

As for Christmas, not a chance would she be coming to my house.

Your husband isn't helping himself by seeing this woman.

Are you getting anything out of this marriage? because it doesn't sound like it to me.

I really do think posters think of their own parents in their 70s and 80s when they read "MiL/FiL" but for context 65 is nearly 10 years younger than Meryl Streep, one year older than Madonna and only four years older than George Clooney.

Yes, absolutely.

MIL is not elderly, lonely, doesn't have dementia or mental health issues.

She's just loves the sound of her own voice and isn't interested in anything outside her own experience.

She was very absent during DHs childhood, he frequently was left and had to spend Christmas at friends' houses.

I've told him I won't come next visit, and he can sort seeing her over Christmas. He completely understands and isn't sure if he'll even see her.

@Kafta I see posters are ignoring your DH's issues, sigh.. my own late DH had severe combat PTSD too & his mother wasn't the best, so I totally understand. As for her age - I'm older than her & hopefully don't do my kids' heads in repeating 'in my day' stuff (DH's mother did that too..)
I don't have any advice as such, but it's bloody hard work, & I do feel for you BOTH. x