To tell DH to go alone

[Kafta]

AIBU to stop going with DH to visit MIL?

She's very hard work. She talks continually about herself, repeats very boring long-winded stories over and over (even if you tell her she's told you, she'll continue) and if you try to talk, she actually shouts over you.

DH completely shuts down when we see her, and often falls asleep (he does this when stressed!) so I get the full torrent of it.

I used to be polite and nod in the right places etc but last year she made some really thoughtless comments that hurt me, so now I just honestly don't like her that much.

Last visit, I told DH he really needs to help steer the conversation away from her trigger points of repeated stories and not shut down so that I'm the only one being talked at. He promised he'd try but it was the same again. He fell asleep and MIL talked at me and over me for 3 hours. With the same stories I've heard for a decade. She will also get me to do jobs for her while I'm there so it's not a nice easy visit, I'll be calling the broadband provider or sorting her licence renewal or searching insurance deals - there's always a 'job' she wants help with.

I don't think it's fair - it's his mum, not mine, it's hardly a visit for him when he switches off!

I want to tell him that this Christmas he can make plans to see her and I won't be coming, but I know deep down he likely just won't go at all. But that's his decision, isn't it?

Exactly this, and she knows what shes saying.

So I'm good enough to help her do jobs and organise things, but not good enough in other ways.

When she found out about our fertility issues, she made a point of telling me how very easily she fell pregnant with her children and she never had any issues so it won't be anything on 'her side'.

I wanted to tell her that actually it is DH but I didn't want to embarrass him!

She's also made comments about me and money, effectively hinting that I'm living off DH, but I'm actually the main earner.

You've potentially 20 more years of this. How often do you go?

Absolutely fine to send DH on his own sometimes (maybe every other visit?). But a bit mean to start this at Christmas. Can't you do Chris's normal and then start the new routine next year?

Put her straight if she comes out with innuendos.
Or don't tell her anything personal.

I can see why you wanted to protect DH about the infertility thing, but I'd definitely tell her that you earn more if she hints that again!

You warned him before your last visit that there would be consequences.
He hasn't stepped in, so his next visit will be by himself.
There was no point threatening him that you will not go if you now give in and go and put up with more of this shit
The other alternative would be the second he nods off, wake him with "Right, I'm going home. Are you coming or getting a cab?"

If his mother was so bad that your DH has a stress response when spending time with her, why do you think it would be terrible if he stopped visiting her?
I can understand that if your DH is coping with PTSD then unraveling his childhood issues may be too much for him to take on.
But he doesn't have to keep visiting someone who stresses him out this much.
In your situation I would say I'm not visiting anymore, you can if you like and then step back and not nag him to go alone.
My parents and my MIL were/are good parents.
I put myself out to help them and vice versa, I spend time with them just to visit because I enjoy it mostly.
My MIL is very boring and sometimes says thoughtless things. I can nod along because she means well and was an excellent mother to my DH growing up.
If she wasn't I wouldn't.

@Kafta
Ah she’s got a nasty streak. Is your dh aware? Could you have a game plan together? Maybe you both go and do the jobs, then quick coffee and exit? That way you don’t feel bad about not helping her.

Tell him you’re not accompanying him to visit his mother any more.

if he doesn’t then go, it’s nothing to do with you.

if she’s a poisonous person she deserves to be alone.

Old age gets to us all. Hope when I start repeating myself like this no-one feels they don't want to visit - the shouting over you is something else, but the general dementia type conversation is manageable most of the time.

Your DH needs to take a more active role, so yes leave him to do a few trips on his own. But don't cut her off. I have no idea who else visits her, but she may feel lonely etc. Sadly nastiness is also part of sone people's dementia so you've got to take what she says with a huge pinch of salt.

She's 65 not 95!

I could have written this exact post! My husband falls asleep or stares at his phone/ignores us and the conversation. I get so pissed at him but I know it is difficult for him visiting since his dad passed away.

MIL is also very annoying repeating stories, having very different political views from me, can make unkind comments(often about my weight) and is very stuck in her ways. She gives both of us jobs to do as well. I can put up with it as I know she is very lonely and I do care about her and know she enjoys our visits.

I have also threatened my DH that im no longer coming, but its a threat Id never actually follow through with as I wouldnt want to upset MIL.

My advice is to just continue smiling and nodding through all the bullshit. Also alcohol helps

I think it’s really important that we see our parents and other family members without the partners anyway.

Surely MIL would want some 1-1 time with her son just like your mum would with you.

Definitely let him go on his own the majority of the time.

No way would I feel obliged to put up with that from someone who is only 65. Especially if she likes to get in nasty comments. Your DH should not have let her away with those comments.

I had MIL like this . No excuses like being lonely just a narcissist who thought her opinions and stories were important. Bored me stupid. I used to get up , go the toilet, make tea. Can you do the tasks she needs help with in another room ?.

And your DH is taking the piss too. Listening to his mother so stressful? No , just boring.

I agree with this too, and especially as parents age and their needs increase. We probably have about a 70:30 split of visits by ourselves vs visits with partners.

She’s 65 not elderly - I have colleagues who are still working full time at 65.

just send him alone. Alternatively could you arrange to do something out - like meet at a pub for Sunday lunch - limit the time and hopefully eating will stop your dh falling asleep.

The more you say about her, the more of a nasty, selfish piece of work she is. Of course YANBU to no longer go. My only question is, why has it taken you this long to put your foot down.

Why not suggest meeting away from her home?
Maybe an annual coffee around her birthday?
I stopped going to my ils.
Omg the relief....

My mil can repeat stories a lot and her favourite conversation is about everyone who is ill or has died. I smile and nod amd make the right noises and she has a lovely time. I feel like it's worth giving up an afternoon to make her happy because I know she can be lonely sometimes. She only just retired a few years ago so isn't elderly as such but covid changed her retirement plans and made her less brave so she does spend longer at home than she had originally planned.

For me it's worth being kind and smiling and nodding, I hate to think of anyone being lonely or struggling with tasks that need doing. It's up to you whether you think your mil is worth it.

My mum visited my grandmother - her MIL - for over 40 YEARS out of duty. Well after her and my dad had split up. She was always horrible, it was only when my grandmother made nasty comments about my mum's mum that she decided to stop going.

Don't go. Don't feel obligated to visit someone who is unpleasant to you. It's true we can't choose our family, but we can choose what to do - and if it's your responsibility to visit her (it's not) then her responsibility is to at least make the visit tolerable.

Don't go. I put my foot down on this within 2 years of marriage. Not my parents, not my responsibility. Lots of protest from DH and the ILs but they got used to it when they realised I was not for turning.

It sounds daft to take on the responsibility of facilitating a relationship between two other adults when it makes you miserable. Let them get on with it - or not if they're not capable of organising things themselves - this isn't your issue. If you feel up to it, you could meet the three of you less frequently.

And this here is why abusers, CFs and bullies keep getting away with it. The handmaiden #BeKind bs. FWIW the OP's MIL is more nasty and abusive and shouts her down, doesn't care about her own son's birthday, insinuates the OP lives off her son, etc, so clearly your MIL is benign where as OP's MIL is nasty and toxic. You can't compare the two @Foolsandtheirmoney and you only encourage the nasty venom and toxicity of OP's MIL if you debase yourself by putting up with it and not nipping it in the bud.

I think one of the questions you need to ask @Kafta is whether your DH actually wants a relationship with his mother.
If he doesn't then fair enough, you just bow out and leave him to let it dwindle away.
If he does then he needs to start going on his own sometimes and actually interacting and doing something with her!

How near does she live? When we lived far from in-laws we always went together but once we were nearer and MIL was on own my DH went once a week after work and had dinner with her. Was only a couple of hours out of his week and he had to eat anyway!
Then we saw her as a family every 2 or 3 weeks at the weekend.

This.

My dmil can be a bit catty at times. But she’s been a great mother to dh and a fab dgp to our kids and has helped us a lot with childcare etc. I know she has her good points so I can tolerate her annoying tendencies.

However dh and the kids do have a tendency to wander off with dh’s dad and leave me sat by myself with dmil wittering on. Dmil also had a habit of forgetting my birthday and profusely thanking dh and kids (but not me) for gifts and cards that I had organised for hers. This I won’t tolerate so I’ve had words with dh and he is now responsible for all gifting for his dp’s (always crap and always late) and he ensures I’m not left alone with dmil for long periods. This means that I don’t feel any resentment and I’m happy to help her in other ways when I can.