I need to moan about MIL ...

[ghosty]

I don't often moan about her. I have sweated blood over the last 14 years to build a 'good' relationship with her. I tell people she is OK, just a bit different and slightly odd ... but that we get on well and I have respect for her etc ...
But right now I hate her.
I need a moan to get it off my chest.
She isn't like some proper nightmare MILs ... she doesn't interfere with how DH and I bring up the children, she wasn't a pain when I was pregnant, she didn't comment on our choice of names etc etc ...
In fact her indifference has been remarkable. She has been financially generous (so she has us over a barrel really) so we can't complain but ...
I am fed up with having to go there and buy our own food for one thing. This year, on Christmas eve we had to go and buy everything from Christmas crackers to biscuits and nibbles for Christmas day - she invited us to come and stay and then didn't proved any food for our 6 day stay.
Then, I got it in the neck for not sending 'Thank you' cards quick enough after we came home. Despite the fact that she knew that I have had a tough week (my Dad isn't well). So avoiding the temptation to write "Thanks for not feeding us" in the card it was duly sent off. I resented having to thank her for making me feel totally unwelcome in her house, for making me feel in her way when trying to feed my own children. I had to ask EVERY single meal time if I could use the kitchen. She would say, "What, do they need to eat AGAIN?"
I am amazed DH and his sister made it to adulthood to be honest but it does not surprise me at all that DH is a foodie and spends many a weekend cooking up a storm - to make up for the cold meat and lettuce he grew up with before she sent him off to boarding school
What pisses me off is that she thinks she is a good mother and a good grandmother and we all have to congratulate her on that. FFS. She phoned today to ask how 'The Birthday Girl' was. I told her that DD was fine and looking forward to Sunday (her 4th birthday).
"Really? Sunday? Are you sure?"
Of course I am fucking sure you stupid old bat ... I gave birth to her didn't I?
"Yes, (ha ha ha, tinkle of 'you're so funny' laughter) it's on Sunday granny"
"Oh, why did I have it down for the 30th then"
I don't know, because you are a cold hearted mean old witch?
"I have no idea J-," (more tinkly indulgent laughter from me [grrr])
"Oh well, I'll phone back on Sunday then, bye"

No mention of my dad, or how he was, or how I was feeling about it all ...

I hate her sometimes

What a nightmare. I feel for you - hope you feel better for getting it off your chest!

That's odd having to take all your own food. Does she ask you bring food with you or does she just not keep anything in the house?

Moan away. That's what we are here for!

What did she expect you to eat for Xmas if she hadn't bought anything? Does your DH not say anything to her?

Why on earth go to her for Christmas then?

What does ytour DH say? Surely he must be able to deal with her - sounds like it's just you!

And goodness, no, you are not being unreasonable!

She has never catered for us when we go to stay ... well, she eats bbq meat and salad (lettuce) and that is it. Christmas day was Cold Ham (not bad in itself) with cold boiled potatoes and lettuce (she called it salad but it was only iceberg lettuce, no cucumber or tomatoes even).
She's always been like this and we have done well over the years not going more than once a year. The reason we went this year for Christmas was because she would be alone and we didn't want her to be alone - normally she either comes to us (where she eats like a horse and is rather pleasant to be with ) or DH's sister is with her or she goes on holiday to see SIL. We weren't going to go but we had an attack of consience and thought we couldn't just leave her on her own.
DH did tackle her one year and it was the most horrific family row (in front of 2 year old DS) that we have managed over the years since to avoid any row - I hate it. So I swallow it and cry in private, DH is caught in a horrible position (narky wife, narky mother) and we just count the days till we can leave. This year we left a day early (and she became so lovely and pleasant when we told her we were going - lol) and if I hadn't met up with MrsJC for lunch on the 27th I would have gone doolally completely ...

Wow lettuce for xmas dinner! I thought at first maybe she has some issue with food/her weight or something, or could be a fussy eater, but when you said she eats like a horse at yours! Can she maybe not cook anything else but is happy to eat it if someone else prepares?

oh ghosty mate
she sounds so barking
you can only continue to keep the moral high ground really. on the bright side, at LEAST DH is sensible about it and 'on your side'

(I also had quite a fraught family trip (father falling over and breaking shoulder, huge family arguments, mother and sister nearly falling out for good) and am so glad I met ghosty for lunch so that our trip had at least one highlight!)

HAppy birthday to DD and I hope she has a lovely day (if I don't 'see' you again before then)

and sorry to hear about your Dad. I know how horrible it is when you're so far away

I really feel for you, my MIL is lacking on the catering and hospitality side if things. She thinks I am bonkers for cooking nice meals and offering to get them cups of tea. It's just how I was brought up to be be hospitable to guests and feed them. She even says 'don't get me a cup of tea if I want one i'll get it myself'..

when i went to stay with her dished out the same stuff, salad and meat (cooked in lean mean grilling machine)- packet soup for lunch and she slammed things down on the table when she set it and went all moody. She also slapped the wrist of sil's son when he went to get second helpings of fruit for desert (desert is just cut up fruit served in a bowl in the middle - quartered orange and apple).

quite unbearable

she's strange. Poor Ghosty.

even worse she thinks I'm some sort of slave to domesticity and doesn't want dd to turn out like me, she was horrified I bought dd a cooker for xmas ..

'no grandaughter of mine is going to be domestic...'

Rebel your MIL sounds bonkers too. I bought my ds a toy kitchen also. (we frequently get served helpings of plastic food and lego bricks ) He also helps me in the kitchen sometimes too, he finds it fun and I think it is important for children to learn domestic skills so they can look after themselves in the future and not live on microwave meals because they don?t know how to cook.

yeah or packet soup

she has a funny idea about wimins lib, not cooking and strangely not having a career either .. I think she thinks it's about being waited on hand and foot by a henpecked husband.

I mean hey I cook and work so I must be downtrodden - I taught dh to cook and he cooks too now much to her horror, you should have seen her face when he gave her vennison

she sends the glasses back when they're not clean (to me) and has just decorated her lounge white (sofa - carpet etc) so there is now way I'm going to visit with a toddler..

I don't know - I fail to see anything seriously wrong with her behaviour at all. Sure, she's a bit quirky but aren't we all?

erm salad for xmas day is quite quirky

inviting guests and then sending them to the shop is a bit strange too.

My MIL does the opposite, she brings her own food!

My MIL brings her own beer

priorities!!!

ha ha what does she bring

SHe sounds awful - not hospitable at all. My mum wouldn't hear of us bringing any food, in fact we quite often have to bring stuff away with us, to save her 'living on leftovers for weeks' - er, why buy so much stuff in the first place?
As for rebelmum's DN being slapped - my ds2 wanted more chicken legs at a family BBQ and mum shouted at him to 'leave some for everyone else!' at which ds2 leapt back in his shell (he's a shy child) and then of course there was loads of chicken leftover, which I refused to bring away with us.

She brings coffee - those Nescafe cappucino things
She brings Jam because mine isn't good enough

then
Biscuits
Crisps
Cakes
none of the above she shares with anyone. So she will go and get herself a kitkat from her stash, and when the DSes say please can we have one, she says, in a very childish manner "No, they are mine, I bought them"
Flavoured water
umpteen bottles of Lucozade sport
oatso simple, because my proper Scotts porage oats aren't good enough

sausages
Bacon
Eggs
Cold meat
again none of it gets shared, and woe betide me or DH if we cook bacon and it's come from her pack and not ours

oh my mil has a habit of emptying her fridge before she comes to us. 'I just thought you might like this limp bit of broccoli, lettuce, tomatoes, carrots etc etc'
This year she wanted to bring a huge joint of beef and a prawn ring from the freezer
I told her no, we would cook tey couldbring wine

When we went to the shop we bought some cucumber and tomatoes and other bits and pieces (you know, to brighten up the poor lonely iceberg lettuce). The next day we had 'salad' with our barbecued meat and in the bowl of lettuce was a quarter of the cucumber and a whole tomato (not cut up or anything).
Poor you rebelmum1 ... I feel for you I really do ...
MIL also got herself this really flash coffee maker (one of the proper ones that steams the milk and everything). We were only allowed one coffee a day from it. The rest of the time we had to have instant.
One year we made the trip from the UK to NZ (in fact it was the first time I met her) and at the time she lived in a 6 bedroom farmhouse. She hadn't seen DH for 3 years. She said there was no room in the house and we had to stay down the road at the neighbour's house. DH was really upset by that