Unwanted manhandling from complete stranger

[Snippit]

This is the scenario. Whilst in our local B&Q with my hubby he bumped into an old squash buddy, he’s a lot older than me 70 to be exact. Whilst they were chatting he moved towards me and I thought he needed to look at the display behind me. He then put his hand partly around my waist momentarily, there was no reason at all for this. He’s a complete stranger to me, never seen him in my life and I found it uncomfortable.

My husband can’t see the problem and told me to grow a pair. I’m feckin fuming, do men not understand boundaries, what the hell!

I’ve discussed this with my 27 year old daughter who thinks the 70 year old was bang out of order and her dad, my hubby being 59 is of that generation that doesn’t understand from a woman’s perspective. I’ve been mulling it over all week thinking ‘did that really happen’, I found it so surreal.

That’s not on at all. Your husband is out of order as well, he should have been all over that.

That's creepy and yes both of them are out of order

DH and other man were out of order but don't bring ageism into it.

I know plenty of men that age who'd never behave that way and younger men who would.

It was out of order yes. Most men wouldn’t dream of acting like that would they?

Shit behaviour all round. Stranger for touching you on your waist and your husband for not taking your sideand seeing your POV. Boundaries are an alien concept to lots of men who in turn think we have overreacted.

What a creep. How did you react?

Completely inappropriate. You should have told him not to touch you.

You're coming across as very ageist OP. Not that that makes his behaviour appropriate, but you seem very fixated on the fold that he's an elder person.

I think age is relevant because it was more socially acceptable in my parents' generation to manhandle someone. Dad's friends would put their arms round your shoulders and squeeze, or squeeze you round the waist...
I think they'd have felt they were being warm and friendly and would have felt uncomfortable to not do it.

It probably varies by region, too.

It's no longer acceptable, but I think it used to be.

Woah! Your DH is a dick for not understanding why this is uncomfortable! What did you do? Did you scream at him GET OFF ME! I think I'd probably freeze. He has no idea who you are. See also - covid.

That would have set my teeth on edge too.

It takes me back to when I was 17 and working weekends on a dairy farm. The bosses friend came to visit, grabbed me from behind and whispered in my ear 'I can see why he keeps you around'. Still makes my stomach turn thinking about it.

'grow a pair...' of what?

Would that really appeal to your DH?

I put “YABU” because of the comment “do men not understand boundaries?” And blaming a whole generation. Neither of those views are very reasonable.

I think age is relevant

@picklemewalnuts

Is ageism your only prejudice or are you also sexist, racist, ableist, homophobic etc?

No point in arguing with you, as you haven't explained why my explanation that men in my dad's generation were touchy-feely towards wives, socially, is ageist.

I'm trying to guess, you haven't explained your position at all.

The husband's position isn't acceptable though. When your wife tells you she doesn't like something, you back her up.

grow a pair-what of?

OP, you have every right to not want to be manhandled by him.

What a twat you are married to.

"Grow a pair".....what a deeply unpleasant response from your husband.

I would suggest you do as he advises and stop doing ANYTHING that makes his life comfortable.

age got nothing to do with it, would it have been ok if he was the same age?

Would he have been happy for his friend to put his hands on him that way?
Also hate the term 'grow a pair'

How is it ageism to take into account the fact that attitudes change over time?

I mean, that is just a fact.

It doesn’t seem unreasonable in this particular instance, to ponder whether the person in question may have been operating from a set of social mores that used to be socially acceptable, but now aren’t.

It is just a fact that this will be more of an issue for older people than younger ones, purely because the older ones would have been around then, while the the younger ones weren’t. Anything else just demands we assume we can bend the laws of physics.

it is also a fact that sometimes people’s views, opinions and beliefs become ossified and they don’t keep up with changes. Recognising this isn’t necessarily ageism, I wouldn’t have thought.

He shouldn’t have done it, but may not have realised this. OP would have been within her rights to tell him to stop and why.

Just hands off thanks, no debate

I really dislike being touched in that sort of way. My usual response is to move away, in a way that makes it really obvious what I'm doing.

My ex sometimes does this. He’s in his sixties. He absolutely doesn’t mean anything by it but I cringe when he does it. He doesn’t put his hand round a waist but he’ll put his hand on their shoulder or something. Only for a split second but it’s still too familiar. He still thinks it’s ok to be a bit flirty with a waitress (nothing creepy but still cringey). He’s not a creep but hasn’t cottoned on that times have changed.

What thus man did was wrong absolutely. But you're also wrong to bring age in to it.