Unwanted manhandling from complete stranger

[Snippit]

This is the scenario. Whilst in our local B&Q with my hubby he bumped into an old squash buddy, he’s a lot older than me 70 to be exact. Whilst they were chatting he moved towards me and I thought he needed to look at the display behind me. He then put his hand partly around my waist momentarily, there was no reason at all for this. He’s a complete stranger to me, never seen him in my life and I found it uncomfortable.

My husband can’t see the problem and told me to grow a pair. I’m feckin fuming, do men not understand boundaries, what the hell!

I’ve discussed this with my 27 year old daughter who thinks the 70 year old was bang out of order and her dad, my hubby being 59 is of that generation that doesn’t understand from a woman’s perspective. I’ve been mulling it over all week thinking ‘did that really happen’, I found it so surreal.

I've had a man I didn't know from Adam put both his hands round my waist and move me out of the way before. It made me very uncomfortable, yanbu.

I mean why the waist?? I feel like if you absolutely have to put you hands on a stranger then the arm or shoulder would be a better way to go? Also, you can't just move people out of your way! I'm not a piece of furniture or something. An "excuse me please" would be more usual.

The old dude was weird and creepy, touching you was probably his thrill of the week. Guys like Trump, Weinstein etc love to touch women in public, knowing that it’s a little violation that makes the women uncomfortable but that they are too socially conditioned to complain.

I can understand why you / your hubby did nothing out of politeness/ confusion at the time, but it’s unacceptable your husband now telling you to ‘grow a pair’. Would it be so hard for him to just agree with you?! Why is your husband telling you that you have to allow his friends to touch you as and when they like? 🤮

I once had a male colleague I barely knew come up behind me and start to give me a shoulder rub at work. I pulled away until we were no longer touching, turned around and said very clearly “Er why are you touching me?” He fled. It does feel liberating to call out creeps.

It is your job to make it clear what your physical boundaries are. Not your husbands.

What I would take from this is that your husband does the same thing.

Far too many men think nothing of putting their hands on random women. They think it's fine and the opinion of the women being touched is therefore irrelevant. 🙄

Also - doesn't understand from a woman's perspective?

Really?

Absolutely nothing about being 59 means you are incapable of listening to how someone feels or understanding sentences spoken to you in a language you know.

Would your husband tell your daughter to 'grow a pair' if it had been her on the receiving end? What a dick.

This happened to me on a busy bus. A woman got on, then me, then a man. We shuffled to the back of the bus, all standing. The man then said he wanted to stand with this wife (I didn’t know there were together) and before I could give him room to go behind me, he put his arms on my shoulders and started moving me. I told him ‘you don’t need to manhandle me, I will move’. But I wish I’d been even more assertive and kicked off.

Nonsense!

Never known it amongst friends or family to do that to a stranger. And I'm in that age bracket.

What someone you know might do is a different matter entirely.

I don't know when it was socially acceptable to do this to a total stranger.

The men 'moving' women out of the way yes, but that wasn't what happened

It wasn't that it was more socially acceptable to manhandle someone, it's that it was less socially acceptable for women to stand up for themselves when creeps touched them..

some people touch people as a way of being friendly when talking it does not mean that they are creeps.

If the poster dosent like it bring it to their attention when it happens.

@girlfriend44 putting your hands on the waist of a woman young enough to be your daughter who you don't even know makes you a creep. There's no excuse for that.

It's not the OP's responsibility to tell men she doesn't want them to touch her.

For the hard of thinking ageism is stereotyping and/or assigning negative characteristics against individuals or groups on the basis of their age

Social behaviour changes.

It used to be that a gentleman ushered a woman into a space with his hand on or just an inch away from her back. It's an old fashioned behaviour taught to boys as manners but actually born out of good old fashioned sexism- controlling, possessing, protecting...

It's unacceptable now, it was considered courteous then.

My mum would think it rude and disrespectful for a boy/man to keep his hat on in church or generally indoors or while talking to her. Would that young man be disrespectful and rude? No, his manners are different to her expectation.

My dad was of that generation too, and none of his friends ever touched me in any way. My dad himself would never have dreamed of putting his arms round a woman he wasn't either in a relationship with or closely related to (and for relatives it would only be if mutually instigated)

That’s really interesting, I’ve never heard of this, every day is a school day. I wish I’d said something to him when he did it, but me being me I’m so bloody polite. I wish I could grow a pair 🤣, I’d have kneed him in his Crown Jewels 🤪

Unfortunately there is statistical evidence that men over 65 are the age group most likely to harass. I saw it on a police documentary type programme a while back.

What’s interesting?

Certainly not my experience of older men.

However it is my experience of creeps, of which I wonder is the OP's husband a bit of one.

His reaction is both strange and distasteful in equal measure.

He's certainly no gentleman.

Your DH thinks it's ok - ask him does that mean he goes round touching women he's never met before?

What’s interesting?

The excuses women still make for mens shitty behaviour. That's my guess anyway.

Jesus do you really need it explaining?!

when the older bloke was younger, this was perfectly normal. Men putting their arm around a woman's waist, same as opening doors & behaving like gentlemen.

it's not been considered normal in a younger blokes adulthood.

it's not 'age' per say, it's generational 'normal' behaviour.

@Snippit an a slighted older man put his arm around your waist, behaviour that was very much normal, gentlemanly behaviour 'in his day' and you're still carrying on about it a week later.

all you had to say was 'please don't' or 'excuse me' and moved away. You're making a massive mountain out of a barely visible molehill.

Jesus Christ 😂

Is there a social class thing involved here? Maybe your families were richer/poorer/socialised differently from mine.

My family's extended social circle did the whole 'courteous' social touching stuff. It wasn't creepy, they were lovely guys. Most of them are dead now, mind.

There were creepy guys, of course there were.
They behaved differently.