To think my lifestyle won't negatively impact kids?

[PlentyO]

I've been divorced since my children were babies, they are 8 and 10 now. I've always worked full-time and never remarried (I've had bad experiences with men but enjoy my career).

My exH also works full-time, we have a 50:50 arrangement. Recently a relative commented 'Your kids are going to have lifelong mental health issues, because their mother is always working and only sees them half the week'.

It is true that exh does most school pick ups and drop offs but we have 50:50 non working time with the kids. They have two stable homes and no financial worries, both parents are very involved with their upbringing. I think a dad can and should be able to parent as well as a mum. The only way I could do more school runs would be to change job to something lower paid, but that mean a drop in financial security. I have worked hard to get promotions etc which I use to pay for activities, clubs etc for the kids and to take them on holiday, I'm not wealthy but am comfortable and self sufficient financially.

I think relative is quite misogynistic, because he believes women should only work PT, prioritise kids needs etc. My kids seem well rounded though and they seem to understand that hard work brings financial security.

Aibu to have made this choice? Or will my kids have suffered as I'm not often at the school gates?

Of course they won't suffer.

Why are you getting all (completely unfounded) blame anyway?

Ignore the mysoginist prick.

Or even better tell him to take his sexist views and fuck off

Your relative sounds like a sexist twat. Your kids are probably fine.

Of course it can be difficult for kids when their parents split, but equally, it can be difficult for kids living with parents who are unhappily married. It sounds like your dc have two loving, hands-on parents who are able to provide stable homes for them. That's more than an awful lot of kids have.

As for the question of you working? It's a complete non-issue. Don't allow the misogynist relative to make you second guess yourself.

You've been managing just fine for nearly a decade - don't let anyone's opinion of your arrangement throw you off balance. Opinions are like arseholes - absolutely everyone has one. People's childhoods will undoubtedly affect them in different ways both positively and negatively, from what you've said you seem to have a healthy balance. Everyone's situation is different - my mother told me that my MiL had discouraged her from divorce because it would result in my siblings and I growing up in a 'broken home' - utter horse shite.

Oh god, OP, you ‘re a working single parent who manages her own household, pays her own bills, drives a car she’s paid for and successfully co-parents ..You’re practically in bed with the devil as far as MN is concerned!

MN cannot cope with women who don’t need their own personal man to validate their existence and it seems many people in the real world also struggle with it. So much so that there is a need to put you down and you will be put down further the more successful you are deemed to be. Plenty of people will be along now to tell you your career is more important to you and your poor children never seeing you….but if you dared to downgrade your job and become eligible for universal credit in the process, you’d be a scummy single mummy who expects everyone else to pay for her choices.

And any divorced woman should explain her circumstances in minute detail - how long you were married, how long you knew your ex before you got married, how long before you had children, how educated you are, how old you were when you had your first child, how many hours you work a week…..anything and everything so that people can find some reason, any reason, that you deserve to be a single mum and —therefore proving that they are better than you so it could never possibly happen to a decent person like them—

No, you are not wrong to work hard and co-operate with your ex. Financial security - particularly in the current climate - is paramount to any happy childhood. Not fighting and coparenting is essential for a happy childhood. Having a parent who is actually both physically and mentally present when with their children is key to a happy childhood. You sound like you’re making it work. Don’t let the naysayers try to tell you otherwise.

Misogyny is strong both on MN and in the real world. Single mums should accept they are bottom of the social pile and not dare to have any kind of life success. Know your place!

Thanks. Obviously I miss my kids on the days I don't see them, but those are the evenings I work late, so when I do have them I can collect from after school club at 5pm and have the whole evening with them.

Exh is exempt from causing dc any mental problems.

Your kids will be fine. I had a similar arrangement, kids always saw me as a full time worker, ex did a lot of the care. My mother used to predict that the kids would be damaged and / or become " juvenile delinquents". They both grew up to be well balanced and happy, successful people. Yours will too , they sound like they are doing fine. Ignore the bay sayers !

** whoops ! Nay sayers, not bay sayers !

This is total bollocks. MN is supportive of mums in all circumstances, especially those who are self sufficient and not in a traditional gender role. It’s not MN who has a problem with OP’s arrangement, it’s her sticky beak relative.

Sounds like it’s working well for you and your DCs OP. Any other option would have an impact on your financial or mental health, so ignore anyone (with the possible exception of your DCs!) who has an opinion on this

You are talking utter bollocks @Shiningsilverargent

And OP your relative is also talking bollocks. You are doing fine. More than fine. The onmly response is to laugh in the face of the ridiculous relative.

" Oh is that why you are so fucked up then?"

Shiningsilverargent

Stop talking crap!

MN champions women to be financially independent and many of us are single working mums usually with useless exes who believe parenting their child is a trip to McDonald's.

Oh please, that is ridiculous. They have two parents who look after them, you haven’t put them in a crappy step parent environment with a man who barely tolerates them like some people, you’re doing a great job. This relative should pay your bills if she doesn’t want you to work.

Utter bollocks

🤷🏼‍♀️🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣

Your relative is a prick, and is wrong.

When your kids are at exH’s are you supposed to sit around doing nothing but missing them 😂

This is total bollocks. MN is supportive of mums in all circumstances, especially those who are self sufficient and not in a traditional gender role

what is bollocks is that you think my experience is bollocks! Been around this site for a long time. The hatred of single parents here exists at off the scale levels. The judgements are never ending. I have been single mum on benefits. Single part time working mum on benefits, full time single working mum on benefits, full time single working mum with no benefits. It’s always the same old shite that is opined. You can never win as a single parent, always in the wrong.

Shinning while I don't doubt there are posters who behave as you say the huge majority do not and I have been on here for at least 14 years.
You cannot decide that a forum with a million members is what you say simply because you have experienced some negativity from some posters.

If you think MN is so bad why the hell are you still here?

@Shiningsilverargent are you on a different MN to me? I mainly see posts encouraging women to LTB for any minor infraction so not sure where you've seen the crap you posted?

Sounds like you are doing a great job OP. Your kids sound lovely. Your relative sounds like a misogynistic idiot. Keep doing whatever’s working 😃

Tbh it sounds like you and your exh have parenting much better sorted than most people. Maybe your relative is jealous?

OP there are many ways we can fuck our kids up, being a happy working parent is unlikely to be one of them, especially when you and your ex are working so harmoniously together to bring them up. Ignore your relative and keep up the good work

@PlentyO

Your relative sounds a right cunt. I do hope it isn't your beloved mother

The only way I’d do or say differently was if onfact your dc were showing or displaying to you difficulty with it.some kids do.but I’d say that wouod be alongside the parent making them feel unsafe and not a priority in other areas too.

Thanks, my kids show no obvious signs of struggling with the arrangement. They know they can phone me when at their dads house but they rarely do, if I phone they chat but are usually happy and busy playing so not wanting to be on the phone, I leave them to it!

Both dc are girls, they say they want their own kids as well as well paid jobs when they are older, so hopefully that's a good sign that they see it as a happy situation.

Despite how successful you are at life (and you definitely are!) you’re questioning yourself and coming in here to ask randomers if you’re doing ok, rather than what you should be doing and telling them to fuck all the way off.

Why are you listening to fools.