To think my lifestyle won't negatively impact kids?

[PlentyO]

I've been divorced since my children were babies, they are 8 and 10 now. I've always worked full-time and never remarried (I've had bad experiences with men but enjoy my career).

My exH also works full-time, we have a 50:50 arrangement. Recently a relative commented 'Your kids are going to have lifelong mental health issues, because their mother is always working and only sees them half the week'.

It is true that exh does most school pick ups and drop offs but we have 50:50 non working time with the kids. They have two stable homes and no financial worries, both parents are very involved with their upbringing. I think a dad can and should be able to parent as well as a mum. The only way I could do more school runs would be to change job to something lower paid, but that mean a drop in financial security. I have worked hard to get promotions etc which I use to pay for activities, clubs etc for the kids and to take them on holiday, I'm not wealthy but am comfortable and self sufficient financially.

I think relative is quite misogynistic, because he believes women should only work PT, prioritise kids needs etc. My kids seem well rounded though and they seem to understand that hard work brings financial security.

Aibu to have made this choice? Or will my kids have suffered as I'm not often at the school gates?

I'm sure your relative wouldn't say the same about my DH damaging my kids. Think he has done school pick up twice so far this year. Or about teachers who can never do pick ups/drop offs because they are always at school. Sounds like all are thriving with your lifestyle/arrangements. Perhaps old auntie is a little jealous that she isn't so self sufficient?

He's a plank and you don't have to take anything he says seriously - just work out a snappy comeback.
''Your kids are going to have lifelong mental health issues, because their mother is always working and only sees them half the week'' - ''when society supports mothers so generously we can afford not to work I'll think about quitting''.
Just say it in your head if you can't say it out loud.

They are being equally cared for by they're parents. It's old fashioned to say the mother should do most the parenting duties. A friend of mine was judged because she wanted to work while her partner was quite happy being a stay at home dad. You do what works best for your family. It's nobody else's buisness. As long as the children are happy.

Yanbu. They are with Dad! No one is questioning the impact on children who are always collected by mum while dad works.

Lots of children in our school have both parents working full time & using ASC.

Sums it up perfectly.

You have a great balance which works and have done a brilliant job with your ex.

No one else's views count.

I'm a sahm who has always been 100% here for my 4 children and all mine have said they have zero interest in having children themselves!

I wonder what THAT means?🤔😁

Apparently global warning is a big part of it🤷🏻‍♀️....but it could just be my mothering skills🤷🏻‍♀️🤣.

you all sound happy and well balanced

your relative is a just a mysoginistic nosy bastard

if its any concellation i had both parents pick me up for along time and ive had anxiety for years so it doesnt mean anything

They don't seem to mind which parent does it though
No, of course they don't. It doesn't matter which parent does it as long as someone is there reliably, picks them up on time, is happy to see them and loves them. What isn't good is if kids are picked up late on a regular basis, left sitting at after school club not knowing when or if their parent is coming, parent shows little interest in their day when they do pick them up etc.

My Mam never picked me up from school because she had long term ill-health problems which prevented it. Dad picked me up everyday. I haven't been damaged by this at all.

Your relative is being a misogynistic knob. Tell him his opinion is not wanted.

My cousin lad did 50/50 out of all my friends who have split up and have kids

my cousins lad is the most settled kid never had any problems doing 50/50

Take no notice! It sounds like you have a great arrangement where your kids feel safe and secure.

My kids seem well rounded though and they seem to understand that hard work brings financial security.

That is the answer to your question.

To be honest, from the sound of your post, I would say that your lifestyle has POSITIVELY impacted your kids.

In fact, I think you could not have approached things better if you had tried.

I think whatever works for you and your family where you are all happy and healthy.
I wouldn't want to do what you do, but you probably wouldn't want to be a SAHM and home educate your children like I do, it's each to their own as long as it's the right choice for your own family unit. Whatever anyone else says, let it fall on deaf ears, unless it's your actual children raising the issue.

For what it's worth, my eldest also has her sights on having a career, and also having children, despite her knowing me to not have worked a single day in her lifetime and being perfect tly happy with the arrangement.

He sounds like an Arse to me .Many DC are in After School Clubs ,collected by relatives .He sounds old fashioned and nosy .Ignore him! I was collected from School by my Friends Mum,GDP ,and occasionally DM .Who was working as she was a widow in the 70s and benefits then were not really a thing.Seem fairly well balanced I think!

My DM worked PT and is still married to my DF. My DSis and I have both had mental health struggles. Obviously my mum had the wrong sort of marriage and the wrong sort of PT work, because OBVIOUSLY all mental health struggles stem from a mother’s marriage and career decisions.

Good grief. Please ignore this clueless relative.

I did read ages ago somewhere that 50/50 custody is actually not ideal for kids but I have no idea how true that is

I think it’s being a good role model to show you are working. As long as you engage in plenty of family time why should it matter? Unfortunately most women can’t afford not to work anymore whether it be part time/full time.

I work full time. Do maybe 2 school runs a month (dad does the rest, we are together though).

I do take time off to watch plays, help at school events, etc. but don't do the everyday stuff. He also makes their breakfasts/dinners.

They are just fine!

Basically f*ck what that relative said! Sounds like you and your ex have a good system going. Ignore the relative. Just because you're the mum, it doesn't mean you need to be left to do all the pick ups and things that mums are expected to do.

Blimey, bit strong there Shining
The poll results suggest that almost all Mumsnetters fully support the OP and aren't misogynistic at all.
Be proud of yourself OP, you're doing a fantastic job.

Really enjoying how the two posters who have been saying: oh MN hates single mums have been utterly undermined by every single other post. Don’t worry about it, OP, people are judgy dicks and it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

If the kids are happy, that's the main thing. It's basically all they've ever known, since you separated when they were babies. You're co-parenting well with your ex by the sound of things. Far better than staying together unhappy.
However, I do know several of my DS's friends have this split parent arrangement and as they are now teens (and wanting more freedom/choice) it's becoming more fractured. It's small things like John wants to come to xxx but can't because he's at his DF's this w/e or Jane really wants to move in permanently with her DM as she'll be nearer to school and my own DS's g/f wants to move to her DF's so she can study in peace as less people around.

I want to know who the 3% are who think the sexist arsehole relative think only 'mums' are responsible for their children's 'mental health' and that a working mum under circumstances like this is a tragedy. Because it is decidedly not.

You're setting your DCs a good example of how grown ups work to support themselves, men AND women, and that parents, both mums AND dads, are equally responsible for their children and to work it out so the DCs are getting what they need. Well done.

Sounds like everything is good in your world. Long may it continue!!
Out of interest who is the idiot relative?

I clicked on this thinking you were having throuples with your DC watching. And you are only working. Slightly disappointed:)

YABU for asking such a stupid question. You know you're doing the best for your DCs. You know your relative is a sexist arse. YABU giving it a second thought never mind starting a thread about it.

Tell your relative to knob off op 😀