To think my lifestyle won't negatively impact kids?

[PlentyO]

I've been divorced since my children were babies, they are 8 and 10 now. I've always worked full-time and never remarried (I've had bad experiences with men but enjoy my career).

My exH also works full-time, we have a 50:50 arrangement. Recently a relative commented 'Your kids are going to have lifelong mental health issues, because their mother is always working and only sees them half the week'.

It is true that exh does most school pick ups and drop offs but we have 50:50 non working time with the kids. They have two stable homes and no financial worries, both parents are very involved with their upbringing. I think a dad can and should be able to parent as well as a mum. The only way I could do more school runs would be to change job to something lower paid, but that mean a drop in financial security. I have worked hard to get promotions etc which I use to pay for activities, clubs etc for the kids and to take them on holiday, I'm not wealthy but am comfortable and self sufficient financially.

I think relative is quite misogynistic, because he believes women should only work PT, prioritise kids needs etc. My kids seem well rounded though and they seem to understand that hard work brings financial security.

Aibu to have made this choice? Or will my kids have suffered as I'm not often at the school gates?

Relative is an absolute twat. Ignore.

@WetLettuce2 thanks, I suppose I wonder at times whether dc 'need' me to do more school runs. They don't seem to mind which parent does it though.

Sounds like you and your ex are doing a great job. The fact that your girls are happy to go to his and talk about wanting a family and a career is evidence that you have achieved a great balance for them.

I don't know why you're bothering to worry about your misogynistic relative's opinion Tell him it's neither desired nor required and he should get back to 1950.

Who made this relative the authority on anything?
Do they have a PhD in psychology or anything else?

I have to ask what kind of life this relative has lived? Do they work? Care for children?

Is there any way you could do random ones ever?
this sounds like it could be a really nice thing for both sides?

One of my best friends has a single mum who worked full time in a very stressful senior nursing role. She grew up great, is really close to her mum and all her friends think her mum is fab too!

You’re setting a great example for them. To be independent, responsible, have a good relationship with your ex, and not listen to misogynistic arseholes like your relative.

I was a single working parent and his father did the every other weekend thing. I managed to do the school run once a fortnight, every other time it was childcare.
My son saw me most evenings when I got back from work at around 6.30 and every other weekend.
When I was with him, he was prioritised (homework assistance, fun activities, watching a film together, socialising etc) but I admit the time was quality not quantity as I had to pay the bills.
He is now a very happy settled adult with a masters degree, a high paying job and a very happy, healthy and thriving long term relationship. You are doing the right thing and ignore others.

@kateandme I do two school runs each week

Your relative is a twat. As far as I'm concerned you're absolute gold standard: financially stable and independent, not reliant on a man for anything, co-parenting effectively with the ex. Brilliant stuff.

I got divorced years ago, my kids are possibly older than you. They are fine. I think the big thing is they have stable homes and you and your ex aren't fighting and pulling the kids from pillar to post they will be fine.

Don't take any notice of other people, they are your kids, you know them best.

Quite apart from the current situation working well for all concerned, you are being a great role model for your DDs’ adult lives.

Lots of parents don’t do school runs (childminder/nanny/one parent does 100%/boarding school) You know if your children are happy and thriving. Your set up sounds very amicable and allows children to see both parents. I’d not take any notice.

My mum was single parent never at school gate, had a key round my neck on a ribbon . My mum was hardworking and a great role model.
So,fast forward I’m FT and not at school gate either and my children are happy, healthy no tics,no attachment disorder,no peculiarities, no alarming or unsettling behaviour. They don’t have unhealthy obsessions or fixation with munitions . In summary FT working won’t harm your children,in fact imo it’s a great role model

Me? I effectively dodge bulk of the school gate nonsense , I’m stereotyped and characterised by the mother superiors as a avaricious husk who puts her work before children. Ignored until covid when they all drew rainbows, clapped and wanted ghoulish details of working through COVID. Mums who’d been openly derise to me sudden on WhatsApp wanting details

Jeezo, tell him the 1950s called and want their attitude back. Funny too how it’s only you, not your ex, who is the problem. Tell the sexist twat to keep his views to himself

To be honest, I believe your children can only BENEFIT from this arrangement. They have two involved parents.

I can’t remember my mum ever being there at school pick up. My grandparents dropped me off. I do remember days out, holidays, reading with both parents, quality time spent together despite the fact they both worked. I don’t have any mental health issues, for reference. So I think your relative doesn’t know what they’re talking about!

I do work part time as it happens (at the moment) but DH does all nursery drop offs and pick ups on my working days.

My mum was single parent and worked full time. I saw my Dad EOW.

She never picked me up from school. I do not have mental health problems as a result.

Bollocks, they will see you as an indepeendent strong woman!!!

You don’t seem like you think you are unreasonable or that your kids are negatively impacted. The way you’ve described it, you should very confident that isn’t the case. Did you say any of this to the relative after they made the comment? If not, maybe you should do that. You don’t need anyone on here to validate the choices you’ve made or how you raise your dc. I think if this person has annoyed or upset you, you need to tell them how you feel in order to resolve it.

It sounds like you have a very good and stable arrangement going. Your relative is living in the 1950s.

I think relative is quite misogynistic, because he believes women should only work PT, prioritise kids needs etc. My kids seem well rounded though and they seem to understand that hard work brings financial security.
Of course he is.

'Your kids are going to have lifelong mental health issues, because their mother is always working and only sees them half the week'.
"Don't be daft Relative - their dad, who is also working, sees them the other half of the week. What point are you trying to make?"

@Shiningsilverargent is correct, MN favours the trad man has 6figure salary and woman is a sahp. There are always derisory posts about FT working mums and some incendiary tale of neglect at nursery. MN men are always on 6 figures salaries ,super important job and require a woman at home because they simply cannot do home life

I don’t really see your situation as a lifestyle it’s just normal listening you’re doing what you need to do to get all of you through life. When I read the headline I thought it joined a cult or something.

I would never listen to the opinion of somebody that you wouldn’t take advice from or more to the point actively seek advice from.