Friend flirting with dh

[rollercoastermum]

Dh has a friend who had been diagnosed with a life threatening disease and has pulled through into recovery mode. DH and I have been good and supportive friends. In the last 6 months her behaviour towards DH has changed with a clearly evident crush, changed body language, dress sense and a absolute intense need to see him a few times each week. They live quite close to us.

She insists on messaging him and making 'family' plans to meet each weekend as has single child, who 'must' meet mine. I went along with this as a supportive friend and get everything has clearly changed. Dh insists I am over reacting and seeing things that are not there and assured me there is nothing in his mind about her. He is being a good friend. Her H seems to be present but silent. In order to keep meeting him she has recently also started messaging my 12yo to check what his plans are for the weekend. This is a red line for me.

It's driving a massive wedge into my family. She says let's meet as a family, I refuse to go and each weekend is being screwed with a change in energy and much repetitive arguments each weekend. Much has been clearly said to dh and yet we seem to be stuck.

I am exhausted and at my wits end. We've been together for nearly 20 years and it's been a joyful trusting relationship with the pressure of work/life/chores etc that occasionally get fought over. This seems to be breaking us up and causing insane levels of anxiety and anger

Any advice welcome!

Your DH seems to be enjoying the attention otherwise he would recognise that she is becoming a bit much and over stepping the mark.

I think the fact she's messaging your 12 yo is really weird and like you say crossing a line. I think some boundaries need to be re-established but that's going to have to be a unified act between you, your H and your kiddo.

Did your DH know her before he knew you? Not that it excuses her behaviour or his, but just trying to understand the dynamic.

and wtf about messaging your 12 year old?? That’s not on, I’d be blocking her number from their phone…

sounds very odd and I’d be a little worried about your husband not having your back here.

Agreed that messaging your 12 year old has crossed a boundary. Weird behaviour.
your husband isn’t soft, he must have noticed this. Possibly enjoying the attention.

How did you meet this couple? Who was friends first?

She definitely shouldn't be messaging your child. That's totally out of line.

Also, maybe you need to test out meeting up but be super tactile with your DH and not let them be alone. See how you feel seeing them together.

I would be direct. Block her number on your child's phone. Then speak to her and tell her that's what she is doing is unacceptable and that she isn't welcome in your home and shouldn't be texting a 12 year old to find out what their dad is doing.

Rather odd messaging a 12 year old. What is she trying to achieve?
I would be suspicious.

I think there should be a group WhatsApp between you and your husband and her and her husband and I think she and your husband should only communicate on there.

Looking at it charitably, this woman has just been through a massive trauma, especially if she actually thought she was looking at her own death. If she’s suddenly been reprieved, she’s probably psychologically all over the place. I appreciate it’s irritating, and you don’t want your weekends devoted to her, but maybe worth taking a breath and recognising this may come from confusion rather than malice. You need to talk frankly to your DH and agree on some boundaries.

Swingers I reckon. Whats her husband like?

On what platform is she messaging your child? That's definitely inappropriate.

I agree it sounds as though your husband is enjoying the attention.

Yes she’s crossed a line. Agree with blocking her number from your son’s phone. You also have a DH problem . He needs to stop agreeing to see her and help reset some distance between your two families.
Perhaps DH should have a conversation with her to say that your family needs space and that she can no longer message your son. If he won’t tell her to back off , your have a big issue

Her messaging your child is absolutely INSANE. I would be blocking her number from their phone immediately.

You husband needs to pull his head out.

Have you called her out in messaging your child OP? If he joining in with the next meet up and asking her why she's messaging a child directly instead of you and DH. Tell her publicly that you don't consider that normal behaviour.

Absolutely @thinkfast its completely inappropriate behaviour and I’d be telling her it’s unacceptable and that you are blocking her number on your child’s phone. And you have a DH problem

A deep message of gratitude to you all for your sane advice.
She has known him since before we met.
Using messages to message child.
Thanks for advice. Have blocked her number and a confrontation seems to be the way forward.
DH and I have had several honest discussions about it. He thinks I am being unreasonable and is sympathetic to her recovery mode.
I agree - there seems to be mental health issues at play here and understandably so - but there is much denial about this. And yet the same causes me anxiety about what she could do or say which makes my jumpy about protecting my family.
The attention might really be the case here. It's a long marriage and relationship here and usual pitfalls of busy work lives, family life, household related work means we click along well, and do take each other for granted...and I travel for work, stopped during covid and now it's slowly coming back to long haul flights for short time periods (3-4 days) but that's causing a stress as trust has never been an issue in our relationship - till now. Trust DH, don't trust her

Why do you refuse to meet her?

she has recently also started messaging my 12yo to check what his plans are for the weekend.
Not often does MN result in 🤨 from me, she's sounding obsessed, get this nipped in the bus and tell DH to step back.

The thing is, if you trust DH then it makes no difference if you dont trust her as her behaviour will have no bearing on your relationship.

I wonder if the reason you are posting is because you are now questioning whether you should trust your DH in the light of his reaction to her obvious flirting. IMO its a sensible thing to wonder about......for every 100 women who said "He would never cheat, he isnt like that" there are 99 who found out that given the right flattery and opportunity....yeah he would. And the one remaining man just revelled in the "I could if I wanted to..." ego boost.

Personally I would open a group whatsapp with you, DH her and her DH and post that you are uncomfortable with her messaging your son about your DH's plans for the weekend and as such have blocked her from his phone and that any messages should come straight to you in future. At the very least you might open her husbands eyes.

I think you had better be unavailable to 'meet up as a family' more often, have other plans, until she is emotionally and psychologically in a better place - which I am sure she will be eventually.

Your husband needs to be a bit stronger about this too as it is causing so much stress and disturbing your harmony.

Everyone wants to be a good friend but there are limits to any friendship; it sounds as though you have done your bit very well.

Do stop her messaging your child, that is not on. If you can block her on his 'phone, do so.

Another thought....have you asked him why he thinks it is more important to be friends with this woman than hurt his wife?

Why he cares more about supporting her, who has her own husband, than whether he actively hurts you?

Turn it around and make him put out there why her feelings are more important than yours and if (when) he says they are not, why is he ignoring what you say, ignoring your feelings and not caring how he is upsetting you.

Can you and your husband take a short break away just the two of you? It sounds like you’ve been very busy and through a lot of stress. You can build up your marriage and strengthen your bond, you might talk about the situation with her while you are away or you might not, the main thing is just have time as a couple to reconnect with no kids or “friends” around.

Does your husband agree that messaging your child was inappropriate? If not then yes he has something to hide as that is so obviously a red flag. You need to tell him straight that you have serious concerns about her and quite frankly, him. Ask to see their messages.