Friend flirting with dh

[rollercoastermum]

Dh has a friend who had been diagnosed with a life threatening disease and has pulled through into recovery mode. DH and I have been good and supportive friends. In the last 6 months her behaviour towards DH has changed with a clearly evident crush, changed body language, dress sense and a absolute intense need to see him a few times each week. They live quite close to us.

She insists on messaging him and making 'family' plans to meet each weekend as has single child, who 'must' meet mine. I went along with this as a supportive friend and get everything has clearly changed. Dh insists I am over reacting and seeing things that are not there and assured me there is nothing in his mind about her. He is being a good friend. Her H seems to be present but silent. In order to keep meeting him she has recently also started messaging my 12yo to check what his plans are for the weekend. This is a red line for me.

It's driving a massive wedge into my family. She says let's meet as a family, I refuse to go and each weekend is being screwed with a change in energy and much repetitive arguments each weekend. Much has been clearly said to dh and yet we seem to be stuck.

I am exhausted and at my wits end. We've been together for nearly 20 years and it's been a joyful trusting relationship with the pressure of work/life/chores etc that occasionally get fought over. This seems to be breaking us up and causing insane levels of anxiety and anger

Any advice welcome!

Can you contact HER DH? I’d be asking how he feels about it and also letting him know that you are not comfortable about it all and that messaging your DS is crossing a line for you. Explain that you have spoken to your own DH but you think he’s oblivious and/or enjoying the attention or doesn’t want to rock the boat.

My honest advice is to do what I did with a friend and boyfriend but I’m sure some people will think it’s terrible advice. It did work though.

A friend met my boyfriend when we had been together a couple of months. She clearly fancied him and flirted, added him on Facebook and messaged him etc. Boyfriend said he was polite to her rather than friendly but couldn’t be rude, he didn’t fancy her etc.

I met up with my friend and I said look this is a bit embarrassing but you clearly fancy boyfriend, you’re crossing the line with the flirting and the messaging, stop with the games and ask him out. She denied it then admitted it. I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore because of the way she had behaved but rather than making everything awkward and playing games she should ask him out.

She messaged him and asked him out, he said no, he wanted to be with me and was just being friendly to her he didn’t fancy her.

I didn’t speak to her again. Me and boyfriend broke up at a later date for other reasons, but stayed on friendly terms, she contacted him and asked him out when she found out we broke up he said no and is now married to someone else.

The ‘illicitness’ of the flirting etc seemed to be something she enjoyed and I couldn’t just put up with the whole situation so I brought it out into the open. Awkward, but at least I found out she wasn’t a very good friend and he was a very good friend.

I don't care what she's been thru this is all out of line. And messaging your 12 year old is beyond!

Your husband is a gullible idiot. I would inform him your marriage is at stake and he either ends this 'friendship' or you'll be seeking advice from a divorce lawyer and I would say I am not even kidding! This friendship will only lead to heartache and pain, she is too obsessed, far too obsessed with your husband. So I'd say to him he is a gullible fool and that he either ends the friendship all together (because she will escalate it, she wants more than friendship, you and us all can see that) or you want a divorce. He either chooses his wife and family, or an unhinged and obsessed woman who is a threat to your marriage.

If you trust DH, then there's no issue with her flirting. The messaging your DS, however, needs to be addressed. What the hell is that about.

She's trying to infiltrate your family from every Angle

I’m glad you’e blocked her, OP. Have you blocked her on your child’s phone too?

Put yourself in her shoes- what would drive you to behave like that? It sounds like something definitely happened between her and your husband. He's taking a back seat making it an issue between you and her - nice. If it was really his issue then why isn't he dealing with it and defending you? Imagine a similar situation with all your female friends - how would that be handled?

Ok so dh mighta observed her change in outlook as c.o recovery.same..for more frequent catch ups .Does she text YOU if hes not reply-OR-straight to child?
Id have blockt,then said-while quiet dh around...oh we blockt you on childs phone.
you said trust dh/dont trust her.
Sorry-butno you dont.

Not surprising,regardless of Her intentions,you made clear to dh u find it uncomfortable.
Theres nothing "sweet"about feeling insecure.Its his reaction to how you feel thats off .

I wouldn’t be happy about this. But if you did trust your DH it wouldn’t matter if you trusted her because you would know nothing would happen!

I don't really agree with this. It's not just whether DH is going to have an affair, it's the fact this woman is infiltrating the OP's family life. Her DH is prioritising the friend over his own wife. The OP has made clear she's not happy about this and the DH is ignoring her feelings.

I wonder how DH would feel if the situation were reversed and she started inviting another man over every weekend and he started messaging her DC. I don't think he'd be quite so understanding.

I agree with PPs you have a DH problem.

Has your DH noticed the “clearly evident crush, changed body language, dress sense and a absolute intense need to see him a few times each week”
Or has he not noticed it for himself ?
Or do you feel he’s deliberately denying she’s doing it and is encouraging it ?
Sounds to me that he is acting out of pity for her predicament and hasn’t realised how she might be feeling towards him. Only you know.

Because she is using your DC to find out DH’s plans, I would anyway, advise you take matters into your own hands and very quickly indeed.
Ask to meet her, just the two of you, and using a sympathetic tone, tell her you have blocked her from your DC’s phone as you feel it was inappropriate for her to use your DC to check your DH’s plans. Ask her why she needs to check your DH’s plans anyway? This may be enough to give her a lightbulb moment in which case you can say I’m glad we talked, let’s leave it there for now.
But if she becomes defensive you need to go further and kindly let her know that her clear evident crush, her changed body language, dress sense and absolute intense need to see your DH a few times a week is now ringing alarm bells for you that she isn’t thinking straight and that until she gets over this stage you will be limiting family meet ups as you really want her recovery to go well and nit be hindered by this crush.
Don’t mention your DH at all. If she asks what he thinks or how he interprets her actions, tell her that your DH’s thinking is absolutely nothing to do with her as that is a personal matter between the two of you.
Warn her off in a kindly but very firm way. Let her know that you are just giving her a heads up that this blip in her recovery …her over-reliance on your DH ….has already ventured into unacceptable territory for you and she needs to reign herself in now before serious damage is done to two families.
Her reaction will be very informative. I hope you can nip it in the bud by bringing her unwanted behaviour to her in this way.

I wouldn't be happy with this. She's causing tension and ruining your free family time.

What does your husband think of her contacting your 12 year old??? That's bonkers! Some of my kids' friends have my number and have contacted me asking if they can have a sleep over or something but it is usually arranged with the parents or between the kids and then they ask their own parents. And at 12 they sort their own stuff out.

Just because she has a life threatening illness doesn't mean she can cause havoc in a family!!

YANBU and these are red flags right there. Regardless of the situation, your DH must agree that requesting a meet up every weekend is obsessive and bizarre frankly. I can't imagine a situation when you meet your closest friends every.signle.weekend. Your DH has to step up and put some boundaries in place or this will ruin your marriage. My DH had an overbearing female friend I could not stand. Rightly or wrongly I made him choose and he respected my wishes.

In the last 6 months her behavior toward DH has changed with a clearly evident crush, changed body language, dress sense and a absolute intense need to see him a few times each week.

She’s reaching out to your H with a dual seductive and damsel energy, and is so obsessed to connect that she is involving your child. That is truly beyond the pale.

So far he has dismissed your valid concerns. If he is still expressing denial after this new development, I’d have to assume that he is attracted to her flirting and enjoying being her KISA. That is a dangerous combination and a slippery slope.

@rollercoastermum, your marriage is under threat because your H is prioritizing this illicit ego validation over your feelings. He’s opened a door to this woman and allowed her into your relationship. He needs to strengthen his boundaries pronto and close that door. I would read him the riot act and remind him what he stands to lose if he doesn’t.

How does the "intense need to see him a few times each week" manifest itself OP? Does she come to your house or is you DH meeting her somewhere? What are they doing when they meet up?

Is her child a similar age to yours and is your DS happy having this friendship forced on him? Your DS needs to know he isn't obliged to hang out with her child, especially if she's using this as the reason to get together every weekend.

I think I personally would be having a further conversation with DH and saying that, whilst you don't want to stop supporting this friend, now that she's in recovery mode you'd like it dialled back a bit as she's getting too enmeshed with your family unit.

Does your DH know this 'friend' texted your child to check on his plans? Does he think it is perfectly OK thing to do?

Red flags. Don’t make yourselves so available now and block her from your 12 year olds phone. You don’t even need to explain.

I am sorry your dh is not supportive. Surely he can see that messaging your 12 year old is over stepping the mark?

@rollercoastermum, how are things today?

Straight talk done. Much crying on my part as I am not willing to throw a good relationship down the drain over a friendship that's turned toxic.
DH agreed to space and distance from them.
Number blocked.
He also indicated that a good relationship is based on dialogue and communication and realised how much this is bothering me.
Next step - face to face confrontation when I get the chance to be out of audible range of the children and get hold of her. She has been blanking me for months. And I am intensely aware of how tuned in DS is when it's something he shouldn't be over hearing. Thanks for asking

@whendovesfly she turns up at my house or we are pulled into entertaining their son by going out with both the kids. We don't go to theirs anymore as I absolutely refuse to.

Result! As your H has been insisting that you’re overreacting, I’m glad that he finally heard you and saw the light. Now you can present a united front.

You say she’s been blanking you for months, which fits with her agenda to make moves on H. She’s going to kick herself for sabotaging her plan by overstepping with DS.

Kudos for tackling this and asserting your boundaries.

That’s good, OP. I hope she’s blocked on your kid’s phone too.

Well done OP n DH. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻