AIBU to think DP is going out slightly too much?

[BathtimeScroller]

Our DD is now 12 weeks old and DP adores her, as do I. He was off on paternity leave for 3 weeks and really hands on especially as I was in a lot of pain after a traumatic-ish birth.

12 days after she was born he was best man at a wedding so was out from early morning until very late the next night. (He also briefly went out the night before the wedding just to show his face at the pre wedding dinner, and had to run a couple of errands in the days leading up to the wedding).

Then when DD was 9 weeks old he had a stag do and was gone for 3.5 days. followed by another wedding where he was best man 2 weeks later so was away overnight again.

He’s got another wedding to go to in 4 weeks (again he will be gone all day and all evening) and so has another all day stag do next weekend. He wanted to go and play football the night before but I asked him not to as he’s on the stag the next day, and he has also said he will be going to watch a World Cup match with friends the following weekend (myself and baby not invited as his friend has said “no girlfriends”). There’s 2 other social things he wants to go to (so far) next month.

hes also home late from work at least once a week, although he does work from home some days so does help out when he can on those days and sometimes does the morning feed.
He goes to Pilates every Thursday after work to help his bad back.
When he is here and free he is still very hands on.

I don’t ask him to do any night feeds during the week (he sleeps in the spare room) and to be fair DD sleeps well anyway. But the weekend is usually my time to not have to get up if she does wake, or wakes early!

AIBU to think he needs to be with us a bit more? She’s still pretty young. I get that a lot of these things he couldn’t get out of but it’s more the additional things which have made me feel upset. DD is lovely but she does a lot of crying some days and I prefer having the extra pair of hands.

Yes I think that’s too much. He needs to start prioritising his treat time. It won’t last forever.

I actually disagree. Weddings etc are exceptional occasions and it would appear you have hit that peak time when all your friends start marrying just as you have a baby. The baby is 12 weeks now so you should be more in routine by now than when he was on paternity leave.

On the stag do etc is there a family member or friend who could stay over to keep you company and lend a pair of hands?

Given he’s got wedding/stag commitments he should be limiting other things. If he didn’t have those plans, the football/Pilates would be ok.

I think it is something that only you can judge. Clearly you tare unhappy about the number and length of his absences and that is what matters, not what someone on the internet thinks.

And he isn’t “hands on” or “helping” anymore than you are. It’s called parenting.

Why do people feel the need to praise men for looking after their own children?

My DH is very similar to yours, OP. Nice guy, hands on, does his fair share around the house and works really hard. But he feels entitled to his nice dinners out at work socials, gigs with overnight stays, rugby matches and a hotel so he can have drinks. He calls it 'making a withdrawal'.

Since DC2 has been born 5 months ago he has averaged one overnight social event every three weeks (yes I've been counting). Not even counting the ones he's actually come home from. I've had..... zero. I'm not even exclusively BF any more. Maybe that's not excessive, I don't know. But it's not fair.

It does seem excessive downtime in comparison, leaving me with the night wakes and early mornings with baby and toddler while he has his nice breakfast, leisurely shower etc.

I am resentful if I'm honest. I know people will come along and tell me to book stuff in but I don't want to spend money on hotels and I don't really want to be away from DC.

@iammother if you don't want to go out could you book time off in. 'This Sunday I'm watching a movie in the evening and having a lie in'. Leaving the other half to do the kidmin.

I also disagree as most of it he cannot help.

Weddings- cannot be avoided if you’re best man- it is an obligation to go.
12 days after she was born he was best man at a wedding
9 weeks old he had a stag do and was gone for 3.5 days. followed by another wedding where he was best man 2 weeks later
another wedding to go to in 4 weeks

Work- also an obligation and in this economy with redundancies looming…
home late from work at least once a week

Physio is medical and is necessary
Pilates every Thursday after work to help his bad back.

So the only truly social things he has are these
he will be going to watch a World Cup match
2 other social things he wants to go to (so far) next month

That’s three social activities happening between your DD being 12 weeks old and 16 weeks old. I personally think 1 social activity per week is reasonable for each parent. I think it’s just been bad luck that he’s had so many weddings of late to go to. I think perhaps you haven’t been doing anything social yourself? Time to plan a once a week activity for yourself while he is home with DD.

Weddings can’t be avoided, it’s not like he arranged all the weddings. It’s just bad timing.

Pilates is for his health.

Working late is work and has to be done.

so really he only wants to go and watch the World Cup match and 2 other things next month…. Doesn’t seem much.

So essentially because you don’t want to go out, he shouldn’t be either?

YABU. Agree with the last 2 posts; he’s only really got 3 social things booked and one of those is the World Cup so it’s not a usual thing.

My husband turned down 2 stag weekends when our son was small. He just said that he didn’t want to be away from home for very long, they understood.
We’ve only been to weddings together.

Maybe it’s because we’re older and his friends have a more mature outlook? We are late 30s/early 40s and I’ve never known of his friends banning wives/partners (though many of us couldn’t be arsed with the World Cup anyway….)

Might be a good idea to start making your own arrangements to socialise or start going to an exercise class or something regularly.

Would also strongly agree with the poster above, it’s not “helping” it’s parenting!! Men who care for their children aren’t heroes, they’re parents

Errr no @JennyJungle I don't think he should go out and stay out as much as he does leaving me to juggle the load of both kids for that length of time that frequently..

I do go out. I just don't stay out overnight.

No, YANBU. A one off is one thing but he should not be leaving you to look after the baby alone to attend multiple overnight stag dos. Unless the grooms are his closest friends or family he wouldn't be missed in the crowd, so should prioritise being where he is needed. Just as mothers tend to.
People will try to twist it to make it sound like you're not coping well enough if you can't be without him. But that's menabling nonsense. I'm sure you could cope, but why should you? You're equal parents so both should be making the same level of sacrifice to care for your child.

It’s the usual thing of life not changing for the man and them just carrying on as normal.

As someone with adult children now, this isn’t on. My dh didn’t do it when ours were small; some of his friends took the piss out of him because he would rather be with his kids but guess what, years in they’re all single and we are solid.

i genuinely think even when you bite your tongue now it breeds resentment long term. And from this view point, they are small such a short time. There’s so much lifetime left afterwards.

@5128gap
“he should not be leaving you to look after the baby alone to attend multiple overnight stag dos. Unless the grooms are his closest friends or family”

He’s best man?

Would he be happy with you doing this?

The weddings just sound like bad timing, they’re one off’s and he can’t really do anything about that. Pilates good for health. So really, just a few nights out.

Once the weddings are over, it doesn’t sound like too much? I know the days feel long with a baby sometimes and it’s hard to see past the short term.

If you don’t want to go out yourself, why not book a massage or something for one evening when he is around?

Fine if you also get 2 evenings per week for your recovery /career and time equivalent to the 3 weddings, 2 stag dos, 3 social for whatever you like.

The weddings aren't ideal but can't be helped. Work is work and Pilates is health. So he wants to go and watch the cup game. You need to start carving out time for you op, out of the house, gym or swim or walk or coffee or nails or whatever.

I agree with you wedding/stag do commitments from before the pregnancy or ones of very close friends/family are fair enough . Pilates for his back definitely. Football no he can watch it at home. He needs to realise his life has changed now he needs to be supporting you and baby and doing things as a family.

Msg above is perfect summary of what I was going to put!

it’s just unfortunate timing about the weddings.
But you need to prioritise some downtime and social life for yourself too

You can all say 'he ought to do less' but you can't make an adult 'stay in'. And the view that just because you don't want to go out then your DH/DP should stay in is just ridiculous. And yet again, if your DH hasn't prioritised staying in with your first DC then why assume anything will change with your 2nd? .

I know it sounds harsh but do people honestly think they can turn to their DH and say 'everyone on Mumsnet says you go out too much' and he will turn round and say 'oh sorry darling, I will stay in' ?

When we had our DC I made absolutely sure I prioritised what I wanted to do in terms of going out, 'me time' etc ... it was very clear from the start. I was not obsessed with 50/50 free time but I was perfectly happy with the balance ... and continued to keep all my own interests & hobbies. Start as you mean you go on.

Can you go and stay with your dm when he is at those stags/ weddings? Or have her come to stay. Hopefully that is the end of weddings for a while and life can return to normal.
I never understand all the dhs who sleep in the spare room to avoid night waking babies. Maybe one night a week if they are wrecked but l don't think it's good for relationships. I am an older mom and don't remember any of my friends doing that but seems very common on here.

I see why it's a bit annoying but I agree with pp that it's more bad timing than him being inconsiderate. Sometimes you have three weddings in a few months then you don't go to another one for years.