AIBU to think DP is going out slightly too much?

[BathtimeScroller]

Our DD is now 12 weeks old and DP adores her, as do I. He was off on paternity leave for 3 weeks and really hands on especially as I was in a lot of pain after a traumatic-ish birth.

12 days after she was born he was best man at a wedding so was out from early morning until very late the next night. (He also briefly went out the night before the wedding just to show his face at the pre wedding dinner, and had to run a couple of errands in the days leading up to the wedding).

Then when DD was 9 weeks old he had a stag do and was gone for 3.5 days. followed by another wedding where he was best man 2 weeks later so was away overnight again.

He’s got another wedding to go to in 4 weeks (again he will be gone all day and all evening) and so has another all day stag do next weekend. He wanted to go and play football the night before but I asked him not to as he’s on the stag the next day, and he has also said he will be going to watch a World Cup match with friends the following weekend (myself and baby not invited as his friend has said “no girlfriends”). There’s 2 other social things he wants to go to (so far) next month.

hes also home late from work at least once a week, although he does work from home some days so does help out when he can on those days and sometimes does the morning feed.
He goes to Pilates every Thursday after work to help his bad back.
When he is here and free he is still very hands on.

I don’t ask him to do any night feeds during the week (he sleeps in the spare room) and to be fair DD sleeps well anyway. But the weekend is usually my time to not have to get up if she does wake, or wakes early!

AIBU to think he needs to be with us a bit more? She’s still pretty young. I get that a lot of these things he couldn’t get out of but it’s more the additional things which have made me feel upset. DD is lovely but she does a lot of crying some days and I prefer having the extra pair of hands.

Taking the weddings out of the equation I don’t think it’s unreasonable

The weddings are just one of those things as others said just unfortunate timing

what I find the most concerning here is why are you not also invited to these wedding where he is best man?

The previous weddings/stags aren't relevant now, they've been and gone and were one offs.

In any even weddings are one offs and are usually planned months or years in advance and your husband won't likely have known at the time of being invited there were going to be a few in quick succession after having a baby.
He probably won't get invited to another for a long time.

In the present:
he goes to work like a normal person does with the one later finish a week (don't think you can count this as a thing he chooses to do instead of being at home it's just his working hours)
does once a week sport activity with necessary health benefits
Has one social event planned with friends (World Cup)
and has a wedding and a stag do.

Once the wedding and stag do are done, and he's done the World Cup thing that actually just leaves Pilates once a week.

Unless he is planning on attending a wedding and a stag every month plus a night out with friends yabu.

You need to think about having some time to do something for yourself instead of trying to stop your husband from doing things.

He didn’t need to attend the pre-wedding dinner or a 3 day stag do. He could’ve just attended the wedding ceremonies and maybe gone for a stag NIGHT. Were/are you invited to any of these weddings? When are your social events where he looks after his child?

Can't see why anyone would go and need to stay with their mum because their husband has gone away for a night/couple of days. Unless they are absolutely on their knees with exhaustion and (understandably) feel unable to cope.

The OP has already said the baby sleeps well she just likes the extra pair of hands. Don't we all. But sometimes things come up or things have been on the calendar for years.

I would focus more on why he isn't sleeping in the same bed, don't parents just accept then will have to run on less sleep and adjust to it instead of hiding in the spare bed?

I think this is less about number of events and more about your general feelings around life changing and him wanting to spend time with you.

Were you not invited to any of these weddings? Is that a general symptom of his friendship groups not including you?

How would you like things to be? Do you want him back in bed for some nights? I know you don’t want to go out/away but it would be good if he could help you have some time to yourself/ R&R. Do you just want a bit of acknowledgement for how hard you are working? Do you want him to make some effort to do nice things with you?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable; if smacks of “being a dad is terrific when it suits me”. Okay -he’s the best man at a couple of weddings. That’s a big deal and it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to let good friends down. But he could go to these weddings for the day and come home again in decent time; people would understand he had a small baby and that he’d made the effort for their day. Stag nights? Very different kettle of fish, especially for multiple nights away.

Why aren’t you at the weddings?
Agree it’s too much. Some unavoidable, but he should also be acknowledging that it’s too much. I bet he thinks its fine.

As someone posted up thread, another example of a man’s life not really changing when he becomes a father. (Though I bet HE thinks it has changed, he’s a great dad and you’re being unreasonable).

Far too fucking sensible a post

Why aren’t you going with him to all these weddings?

He can't not go to his friends weddings because they're happening at the wrong time of year. Having a baby doesn't mean you forget about everyone else who's important.

I think YABU.

Totally this.
you sound a bit controlling and jealous - plan something fun for yourself to even it out.

Everyone saying the weddings are just “unfortunate timing”, why doesn’t it work the other way? Many people would accept that unfortunate timing means they can’t attend the stag do as well as the wedding for instance. Or insist that their partner and baby come along to the wedding too because of the unfortunate timing of a newborn baby.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies!

I should’ve said that yes I was invited to the weddings - the first one I was in such a bad way physically I couldn’t go, the second one I went to for 2 hours while DM had the baby and the third one I’ve told them I’m not coming, although I may ask if I can come for a couple of hours in the evening while DM or PIL have the baby. I just have felt that they are too long to leave the baby all day and evening (for me personally, not judging anyone that does!).

he doesn’t mind me going out but for example, the night he wanted to play football is supposed to be my first meal out with friends, and when I reminded him I was already out that night he said MIL could just have the baby. I have gone out for the odd hour here and there to attend appointments etc but I agree I do need to go out more - I just don’t want that to mean baby is with MIL rather than her dad who knows her better and she’s more used to

I went to my friends wedding when my baby was about 12 weeks. It was fine. Everyone wanted a cuddle, everyone told me how great I looked (in truths I looked like Harry potters aunt when he blows her up but everyone has to tell you you look great when you are holding a newborn). It was a really lovely day and prob easier when they are asleep lots and not weaned yet. So can you not go with him?

@parsniiips Can't see why anyone would go and need to stay with their mum because their husband has gone away for a night/couple of days. Unless they are absolutely on their knees with exhaustion and (understandably) feel unable to cope.

You ‘can’t see’ that people would just do something because they want to? Maybe the OP would just benefit from the company never mind some help with a new baby. Why does she have to be totally unable to cope in order to have some help?

Yeah it would be way too much for me.

It appears that after his three week paternity leave, he thinks he’s the worlds most involved dad and the next eighteen years are your responsibility. Have you given him his medal yet?

@MaryGubbins I did pop in to the second wedding without baby (although baby was allowed to come to this one so I could have brought her, but I was having a particularly bad week with my pelvic floor that week and as DP was best man I knew all the lifting of baby and pram etc would be on me). She’s not been invited to either of the other ones sadly, they are strictly “no babies” which I do understand

I know I'm off-topic but - a "pre-wedding dinner" is now an established custom, is it?

Can’t you go with him?

Likely there’s a “no children” rule - I missed loads when DS was a baby. Not everyone sticks to the “exception for babes in arms” thing. In fact one wedding was “children are invited but no babies because they might cry”.

YANBU - “unfortunate timing” or otherwise, he doesn’t have to go to all these events.

@VickyEadieofThigh yes! I actually also forgot to mention he had a pre wedding dinner for the second one too and so was out the night before the wedding for that. Can’t help but feel like people ask a lot of others with weddings these days!

When he is here and free he is still very hands on.

Yes, but he’s not actually “here” as often as he should be! He is still living as a child-free person