AIBU to think DP is going out slightly too much?

[BathtimeScroller]

Our DD is now 12 weeks old and DP adores her, as do I. He was off on paternity leave for 3 weeks and really hands on especially as I was in a lot of pain after a traumatic-ish birth.

12 days after she was born he was best man at a wedding so was out from early morning until very late the next night. (He also briefly went out the night before the wedding just to show his face at the pre wedding dinner, and had to run a couple of errands in the days leading up to the wedding).

Then when DD was 9 weeks old he had a stag do and was gone for 3.5 days. followed by another wedding where he was best man 2 weeks later so was away overnight again.

He’s got another wedding to go to in 4 weeks (again he will be gone all day and all evening) and so has another all day stag do next weekend. He wanted to go and play football the night before but I asked him not to as he’s on the stag the next day, and he has also said he will be going to watch a World Cup match with friends the following weekend (myself and baby not invited as his friend has said “no girlfriends”). There’s 2 other social things he wants to go to (so far) next month.

hes also home late from work at least once a week, although he does work from home some days so does help out when he can on those days and sometimes does the morning feed.
He goes to Pilates every Thursday after work to help his bad back.
When he is here and free he is still very hands on.

I don’t ask him to do any night feeds during the week (he sleeps in the spare room) and to be fair DD sleeps well anyway. But the weekend is usually my time to not have to get up if she does wake, or wakes early!

AIBU to think he needs to be with us a bit more? She’s still pretty young. I get that a lot of these things he couldn’t get out of but it’s more the additional things which have made me feel upset. DD is lovely but she does a lot of crying some days and I prefer having the extra pair of hands.

Yes, at the first one. The one off. The others?

I feel the same way. We have a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old. Since we had our first child DH had had two foreign holidays of 4-5 nights, multiple overnight trips on his own to family and friend events/parties, more nights out than I can count, loads of coffees with friends, haircuts, etc. I have spent 0 nights away, had three dinners out, and one day and two afternoons to myself. That’s it. Like you, I don’t really want to go away without my kids, but I do resent the freedom DH has always felt entitled to.

Oh, and it would have been twice that number of foreign hols without COVID!

Exactly what I was going to say...

He was best man at the two he has been to, the third one in 4 weeks, it is not stated one way or the other.

Yes, it's too much. Those optional things he wants to do wouldn't normally be an issue... if he hadn't had so much time out for weddings and stag dos recently. As it is, it's too much, and he should realise that himself rather than putting you in the position of the 'bad guy' who says 'no'.

You could start marking the times he's out on a calendar, and mark yourself the equivalent amount of time off baby-duty. If there's not enough space on the calendar for you both to have the same down-time, then he's taking too much of it.

I would never, ever tolerate this.

Why are women so accepting of the short straw when a baby comes into the picture?

We don’t have DC yet but we’ve already agreed on taking an equal amount of parental leave each (partly because his company are very generous with paid parental leave, but also on principle), and I will make sure we have an equal amount of parenting ‘breaks’.

Why should only the woman’s social life suffer?

Back to the OP, anything beyond the wedding/stag commitments is unacceptable if you’re not getting the same level of down time from parenting too. Rein him in.

You don’t have children, so your going in equal downtime is a good concept.

The problem is when the woman doesn’t want downtime, doesn’t want to be away from her DC and then resents the man for having downtime and being able to be away from the DC. She resents him having something she doesn’t even want, and she resents her partner for not feeling the same way as her.

The “equal downtime” concept depends on both partners wanting downtime and in addition agreeing on how much downtime is “normal” to take.

Personally, the women saying that they have had zero downtime and they don’t want any is a recipe for PND and burnout. Parents, both mum and and dad, need downtime and social interaction with other adults for their own mental health. It’s not some test of who loves baby more by being a complete martyr and never leaving the baby’s side.

Back to the OP, anything beyond the wedding/stag commitments is unacceptable - so you think OPs DH should risk his job by refusing to work late any days? You think the OPs DH should let his bad back get worse, potentially leaving him unable to work by “reining” him on from going to his physio Pilates?
Bit shocked you’d eliminate work and medical as “unacceptable”

I will make sure we have an equal amount of parenting ‘breaks’.

You won't.

I really with this post. I was actually shocked to read the replies because I thought you would be told you’re being very unreasonable! I’m going to show this thread to my DH to get some brownie points for being relaxed (I’m not relaxed at all but even I wouldn’t be annoyed about this.)

*I really agree, that should say

You’re right that it’s hard to predict what we will be like with a child and I accept that I may become a more attached parent and not even want the downtime! However, we will at least go into it with the aspiration of being equal and with no sense of entitlement that one of us will do more of the heavy lifting. Especially as we’ll both be off work for the same amount of time and will go back to equally demanding jobs.

I think it’s just been bad luck that he’s had so many weddings of late to go to.

Its bad luck that he insists on attending them all when he’s got newborn.

The problem is when the woman doesn’t want downtime, doesn’t want to be away from her DC and then resents the man for having downtime and being able to be away from the DC. She resents him having something she doesn’t even want, and she resents her partner for not feeling the same way as her.

You have phrased this better than I could. The OP isn’t actually seeking the opportunity to be out caning it 3 night per week, she just wishes her OP would spend more time at home.

Agree with this. “Bad luck” doesn’t come into it - he’s making a choice each time.

I know of people who missed their sibling’s or best friend’s wedding because they tested positive for Covid (even after the rules of self isolation were relaxed). Needing to take care of a newborn and support the mother is a perfectly reasonable excuse to miss a wedding and especially a stag weekend!

I get he's attending weddings but it's not obligatory to go to a stag do in my opinion.

It's far too much. He needs to transition ASAP to being your partner and your child's father. It's his responsibility to you to do that. I'd have a serious talk about equality.

Yes, I’ve actually changed my mind on this since my first post. If he really feels like he needs to attend the wedding, then fine, but going to the stag weekend and leaving the OP with a newborn for several days is selfish and unreasonable. Who the fuck cares if he’s best man? He’s a father to a newborn.

Yep this. And also PP who said you said he is really hands on. That is 100% just parenting. Has anyone ever said ever that a Mother is great as she is "really hands on"?

Best post I’ve read in a long time, will be quoting this the next time I hear someone praising a father for being “helpful” or “hands on”!

We have such low standards for men. That being hands on is something to be grateful for rather than just expected.

I think it’s ok as it would be if you wished to go to your friends weddings, it must just be a weird time with w lot of weddings back to back. The Pilates is also ok, past that it’s just a couple of social events like World Cup.

Spot on. My work help people on low incomes and we have a backlog currently but my much older colleague wanted to fast track a single dad when we have a huge number of single mums ahead of him on the list. Apparently she thought it was admirable that he hadn't put the kids in care 😵‍💫 I had to refuse and told her we are not favouring him for raising his own kids.

Your dp is being unreasonable imo.
My dd discussed with her dh the various events ( stags and weddings) he was already invited to and for most, where possible he just went to part or for an evening rather than a full weekend.
Your dp is assuming you’re the default parent and he absolutely should be minding his own dc when you’re going out if that’s what you prefer. That way you get to enjoy your outing more.

I always laugh at these posts. It always seems as if the men have got good social lives and their partners don't. Otherwise, why wouldn't the females be going out and leaving their partners to parent? There's no point moaning about your partner's busy social life if you don't have one yourself🤣🤣