It's a proposal one...

[Hopefullynaive]

I'm feeling sorry for myself and need a bit more of a beating for being so naive so hello aibu!

Before I start, I'm not desperate to get engaged, we have 2 beautiful kids and I've been married and divorced so it's not so important that I'll be popping the question myself. I can happily live with the relationship whatever happens.

That being said, from the moment I met my partner I knew he was the one to make me reconsider my "never getting married again" post divorce mantra. And apparently he felt the same telling me he was going to marry me one day. Anyway skip a couple of babies and a pandemic and we've had more in depth conversations about marriage and agreed that it's something we'd both like (no, this does not make us engaged already). He spoke to my dad and asked permission, even went so far as to hint that he would be buying the ring this month (sale discounts = the way to my heart). Today however he's decided that actually he won't be buying it now, he'd rather pay more but have time to save more to get something better which i find a bit confusing but there we go. I've told him before I'd be happy with a £100 or less ring as its the symbol but he's not apparently.

So tell me the truth, he's not actually going to do it is he? This is a "shits got real" backing out a bit situation isn't it 😳

Maybe ease of bringing it up, he's maybe said that to throw you off the scent of anything he's planning? Your in a committed relationship if you've got 2 kids and live together etc anyways so I can't see that it would be cold feet about it getting real!

Nothing in that makes me think he’s trying to back out and the rationale for waiting to buy the ring seems sound, even if you disagree with it.

I think he's just trying to make it seem more of a surprise when he asks.

This is a baffling post. You’re committed to one another, have two children together, and he asked your father for permission to marry an adult divorcée and mother of (at least) two (!), have decided you’re going to marry, but still (a) you think you’re not engaged, (b) you appear to think your longterm partner is backing out (c) you seem to be behaving as if he’s the only one with the capacity to act on this issue.

Maybe he wants to surprise you at christmas.

Can't believe he asked your dad though!

Just a note on the asking my dad, it's because I half jokingly said that was the only way I'd say yes years ago. My ex didn't and I'd mentioned it disappointed me in conversations we'd had. They get on well so it wasn't an awkward sit down it was just in conversation

Based on the information you've given it doesn't sound like he's backing out. Unless you've felt something is "off" or have a gut feeling he's cooling on the relationship.

It sounds ok, stop
mentioning it.

It sounds a bit ridiculous.

I can't get past asking your father for permission (do you have no agency?) when he already has two children with you. You can't even argue "oh but tradition" on that.

What do you want from him?

YABU.

OP you sound very much like you care about getting marrief and there is nothing wrong with that. I would find it annoying tbh if my partner said they weren't bothered and then started to try and speed up the process.

So your partner wants to save for a ring. You know him better than we can. Why wouldn't this be true? Unless your dead set against that kind of money being spent then let him do that. My DH did as he wanted me to be able to choose what I wanted within reason and for him feeling proud of what he bought was important and he could afford to do it.

If you are doubting his commitment to getting married even after he asked your Dad then I see that as a bit of a red flag to be honest. This is a matter of trust. It would be really shitty of him not to go through with it now. If you suspect that he could cause you that level of hurt and embarrassment and not even be straight with you that he has changed his mind I wouldn't be marrying him. The second red flag is why after having 2 kids with this man you are not able to ask him all these things directly. The third red flag would be if you suspect he will react badly to you feeling insecure rather than reassuring you.

You lost me at being desperate for him to ask your dad’s permission

You are a previously married now divorced and co-habiting mother of two and yet you still feel your father owns the rights to you?

good grief

Yeah I'm with PP. I was 20 when I said the same thing to my husband, regarding asking my Father. I look back now (33) and I cringe. I wasn't my father's to 'give away'. I am not property and if I marry its because I make a conscious and controlled decision to do so, not because my Father gives it the go ahead. I love my Dad but he's not my keeper. I genuinely thought that tradition had died with me. I hope you get your marriage OP but please don't focus on these so called traditions around permission and proposals.

Like I said I was having a pity party for one, usually if I had an issue I would absolutely speak to him but I knew deep down I was just being irrationally insecure today. Sometimes you just need a head wobble from mumsnet!

But one thing I need to clarify for the pp who said I was desperate for my dad's permission, not once did I say that. I do value his opinion but it was more of a joke than anything else. Desperation is so far away from disappointment that my ex hadn't done it. Maybe if he had I would have found out that they disliked they way he put me down and disrespected me and I'd have seen it for myself before wasting money and time on a dead end marriage.

are you your dad’s property, to be passed onto another man? 🙄

Hang on, are you actually saying that you’re expecting your father to have magically divined your ex-DH was going to morph into a shit if said shit had asked his permission to marry you, even though you yourself, the person having the relationship with him, didn’t?

Who gives a shit about a ring at this point? You already have two kids, FFS. Just go to the registry office and get married. It seems to me your boyfriend is using every trick in the book to stall this.

No I'm saying they already saw it but I couldn't see it at the time. But they're not the type to get involved unless asked.

Do you own your house in joint names? Are you working full time? Did he contribute to keeping up your pensions contributions when you were on mat leave /if you phased back in PT ?

These are all bigger concerns than a 'proper' engagement ring.

He spoke to my dad and asked permission
WTF? Before or after you had kids together?

The whole 'proposal' thing is just bizarre. So much sitting around, wringing hands, waiting for a man to say he might marry you sometime in the future. After tying themselves together forever already by deciding to have children. 🙄

You've discussed it. You know he asked your dad. He told you his plan to buy a ring. He told you his new vague plan to buy a ring…

this is all really odd. Why would he even tell you all this? Is he a bit of a fantasist generally? Likes the idea, not the action?

Yes all of this

∆ THIS - with massive bells on! I hope you both have Life Assurance and Wills too.

@Whataretheodds has nailed all the important things.

Having said that, I give him until January and if nothing then yes I’d assume it’s not going to happen and organise my life accordingly.

we've had more in depth conversations about marriage and agreed that it's something we'd both like (no, this does not make us engaged already)

What does being engaged mean to you?

a date and starting planning?

i no longer consider people engaged who just wear a ring for years with no intention of getting married.