Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very pissed off at:

61 replies

ILiveinhope · 29/01/2008 22:36

My sister had a baby yesterday. A darling little baby girl.

I spent 4 hours today driving there and back, and was delighted at how beautiful she is. We spent an hour in wonderment at the beautifulness of her!

Brother in law's brother and sister in law went to visit tonight. And sister in law spent more than half and hour crying outside the room. My Sister's husband evenytually went outside and asked if she could leave, because she was upsetting my sister (understanbally) sp!!! because of welcoming the baby, she was outside apparently incosable.

She at that stage came in and offered my sis her congrats, through tears. She never even looked at her. Held her. Nothing

Got this far.

This is because she had a miscarriage 6 years ago at 18 weeks, she has since had a lovely little girl who is now 4 and lovely,

The 4 year old was witness to the whole thing, and my sister is really upset that her lovely little girl has not been welocmed but become part of something else.

I am furious.

OP posts:
Octothechildherder · 29/01/2008 22:39

Oh dear - very sad. Maybe it all just came flooding back.

S1ur · 29/01/2008 22:41

Understand that your sis would be upset, I would have thought sil could have considered that it would have been to difficult for her to go and be congratulatory before she actually got to standing outside the door

But then, I might also be a bit cautious about misjudging sil, you don't necessarily know the whole story...

Sorry for your sis though

WinkyWinkola · 29/01/2008 22:42

Try not to be too hard on your SIL. I'm sure she didn't mean to be so overwhelmed. She should have left earlier than she did and I understand how your sister's happy time may have been marred.

But babies bring so many different emotions, memories and motivations to the fore. It's really complex and nobody is really necessarily prepared for it.

yurt1 · 29/01/2008 22:42

presumably she didn't do it on purpose. Has she had counselling for losing her baby? It sounds as if she may need it.

Was it your sister's first? (If second just wondering if the thought of not having 2 was all too much).

Lauriefairycake · 29/01/2008 22:42

Her lovely girl has been welcomed, she hasn't become 'part of something else'

Your poor sister in law obviously found it very emotional - its not like people choose to be inconsolable and cry over miscarriage

Maybe you should care for both of them, it is possible to be very happy for someone and mourn the loss of your own child

I had a miscarriage 3 years ago, sometimes I still cry (so shoot me), and I certainly would feel emotional if someone in my family had a beautiful, perfect, baby girl

Congrats on your niece

yurt1 · 29/01/2008 22:43

Actually I think Lauriecake is right- she may not need counselling at all- perhaps she was just caught unawares. Groups of 8 year old boys can set me off when I'm least expecting it sometimes and I have to run.

twospecialgirls · 29/01/2008 22:44

i would be pissed of to you can understand her pain but not the right time thats your sis's day if the in law didnt think she could handle it she shouldnt have gone !!
sound like she didnt like someone else getting the attention if you ask me
and im not being mean as i have suffered miscarrage but it was 6 years ago im sure shes still sad but should have controlled herself !

Lauriefairycake · 29/01/2008 22:44

also try and bear in mind your pissed off at someone crying - how lovely she still chose to come even when she was emotional

and maybe she's trying for another and can't for whatever reason - there could be a whole story here you don't know

thisisRialifebaby · 29/01/2008 22:45

My sis had several MCs, 1 just before I got PG with DS1 so we didn't tell her for far too long. She also lost one of her twin DDs within 24 hours of birth, the surviving one spent 6 months in hospital. She has since (DD now 10 and Ds 6) told me that at the time she couldn't look at anyone else PG/with baby, but now her DCs are older she is fine (and gets quite excited about babies, even though she is fairly rubbish at nappies amd stuff, bless her!). It must be very upsetting for your sis, and for you who obviously wants to protects your sis from upset. probably also for SIL because I expect you never forget.

No advice, sorry.

But congrats to your sis.

bluejelly · 29/01/2008 22:46

I agree with lauriefairycake, I am sure she didn't mean to spoil your sister's day. And in fact I am sure she didn't.

Original poster
ILiveinhope · 29/01/2008 22:51

Thank you for your input, I am too close to this situation to be able to see this in perspective.

Lauriefairycake , I am not worried about my niece, I am worried about my Sister and Bro'In laws niece who has gone to see her new cousin - and spent alot of time in the maternity ward watching her mother inconsolable. and not welcoming another exciting new member of the family. .

I totally understand the feelings of my sister's sister in law, but .........

OP posts:
thisisRialifebaby · 29/01/2008 22:55

Just carry on being there for your sis.

Rx

newyorkdolls · 29/01/2008 23:06

Iliveinhope, do you have no empathy. When DS was born at 27 weeks it crucified my Mam, she had lost her first baby when she was 25 weeks pregnant and had never been able to grieve for her, (she had been told she was a girl). It took me, her daughter, to have a prem baby THIRTY years later for the flood gates to open and even though she is a Gynae Doctor and a FP Doctor, so you can imagine what she sees in her professional life, she still went to peices. I always assumed that it was because it was so close to home. My Ma went on to have me, 3 more miscarriages and then my sibs (twins) she still ended up in counseling after DS birth to deal with her emotions relating to her unborn daughter. So although you want to protect your sister, have a thought to why the lady lost it. BTW she is probably cringing about it and will for many years to come.

newyorkdolls · 29/01/2008 23:10

I meant to add my congratulations on your new neice and to your sister on the birth of her daughter.

edam · 29/01/2008 23:18

Golly, I do feel sorry for your sister's SIL but this went on for half an hour?! Couldn't her husband have taken her somewhere else to sob her heart out? Sounds as if the SIL wasn't able to help herself but her H bloody well should have done something about it. Horrible for your poor sister.

DoodleToYou · 29/01/2008 23:22

Message withdrawn

Fireflyfairy2 · 29/01/2008 23:25

Whilst I do feel sorry for your sister's sister in-law, I feel she had plenty of time to come in, say congrats & then go outside & cry. It is totally understandable for her to feel this way... when I had dd, my SIL (who doesn't & can't have any children of her own)came to see us in hospital, understandably she cried when she came in, but I understood why and I reasoned they were happy tears mixed with bitter tears.

She cried again when we told her we were expecting ds, she went so far as to leave her parent's home & drive off...

It did feel like our happiness was marred a little, but I truly understood what she was going through....

I don't think you're being unsympathetic, I do however think that someone should have taken the little girl off to buy sweets or something, or could have taken the SIL to another place...

juuule · 30/01/2008 07:21

Was your sister's sil left on her own the whole time outside the door? Why didn't her dh help her? Give congrats to your sister and leave. Was your sister's sil ignored?
Very strange situation.
Did you suggest anything, liveinhope?
I think yabu to annoyed at her over this.

sandcastles · 30/01/2008 07:33

The baby's birth could have coincided with an anniversary, maybe her baby was due at a similar time, or she miscarried at this time 6 years ago.

My friend is due her 4th, she miscarried her 2nd a few years ago at the time her 4 is due, she is already very upset that the anniversary will clash.

I think your Sil was v overwhelmed & certainly wouldn't have meant to make your sister feel like her baby 'had become part of something else' [which for the record I think is nonsense, tbh]

I am on my 2nd pregnancy & a friend who has been struggling with her fertility and is yet to have her first [miscarried several years ago] has not been been in contact much at all, just like when I was expecting dd. But I understand as I realise how hard it is for her.

Pregnancy & birth are very emotional times for all concerned.

juuule · 30/01/2008 07:36

Have you ever had a m/c Liveinhope?

hercules1 · 30/01/2008 07:41

Oh, your poor sil. I guess grief isn't rational. I doubt she planned this and had much choice in it herself. Yes, you are being unreasonable.

colditz · 30/01/2008 07:45

get a grip, the woman lost a child for fuck's sake.

hercules1 · 30/01/2008 07:50

Colditz - that's what I wanted to say.

yurt1 · 30/01/2008 07:50

I agree with colditz. An 18 week m/c must be horrendous. And grief doesn't choose when to strike. Family events can be the hardest to deal with when you're trying to control grief. And there may be 101 other things going on (ttc, knowing she'll never have another, some sort of anniversary, hospital bed) almost anything could have triggered it.

oranges · 30/01/2008 07:55

I don't think the baby did 'become part of something else' - she was a joyous event that come to help survive the tragic things that also hit people. I think your sister is hormonal and in that post-birth stage where it's really easy to get angry at people, but you really should stay calm.

Swipe left for the next trending thread