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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very pissed off at:

61 replies

ILiveinhope · 29/01/2008 22:36

My sister had a baby yesterday. A darling little baby girl.

I spent 4 hours today driving there and back, and was delighted at how beautiful she is. We spent an hour in wonderment at the beautifulness of her!

Brother in law's brother and sister in law went to visit tonight. And sister in law spent more than half and hour crying outside the room. My Sister's husband evenytually went outside and asked if she could leave, because she was upsetting my sister (understanbally) sp!!! because of welcoming the baby, she was outside apparently incosable.

She at that stage came in and offered my sis her congrats, through tears. She never even looked at her. Held her. Nothing

Got this far.

This is because she had a miscarriage 6 years ago at 18 weeks, she has since had a lovely little girl who is now 4 and lovely,

The 4 year old was witness to the whole thing, and my sister is really upset that her lovely little girl has not been welocmed but become part of something else.

I am furious.

OP posts:
NotDoingTheHousework · 30/01/2008 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

yetanothername · 30/01/2008 08:40

Yes you're being unreasonable at being angry at someone else's grief. Have some compassion.

bozza · 30/01/2008 08:48

At 18 weeks you have a bump and feel properly established in pregnancy. To lose that must be devastating. I think YABU, although maybe the situation could have been handled better.

berolina · 30/01/2008 08:49

YABVU to be 'furious' about this, and while I have more sympathy for your sister, who after all has just given birth, she too is BU and more than a little PFB to feel her daughter has somehow been sidelined by another's grief. Has she not been blessed enough to have a little empathy?

God an 18 week miscarriage, a fully formed tiny baby, probably already a bump to lose, horrible. I've had three first-trimester mcs and a dreadful scare at 17 weeks with ds2, and I can't imagine how awful it must be. And please don't assume subsequent successful pregnancies somehow cancel out the pain of the loss.

Gosh, I really hope posters who have lost babies in mid-pregnancy don't see this.

Hulababy · 30/01/2008 08:54

YABU

I am quite sure that the SIL did not go there with the intention of sobbing in a corridor. Poor woman. She must be feeling very emotional and sadto be in that state at what was supposed to be a happy occasion.

readyfornum2 · 30/01/2008 10:40

Have you considered that fact that she may be having baby related problems? ie ttc and it not happening or even another miscarriage that you havent been told about? It is very easy to judge someone without knowing the full truth.
Did you go and see SIL and try and find out what was wrong?

I know having a child is a special time for your sister and both you and her expect the attention to be on the baby but unfortunatly the world hasnt stopped because of it and other peoples feelings need to be taken into account

So yeaH I think YABU

pirategirl · 30/01/2008 10:46

I really do have sympathy for her with her having had such a loss at 18 weeks. Noone can know how that has affected her, BUT

even if it came out of the blue, the tears, and took her by surprsie she should not have stood outside for half an hour, with the new knackered mum wondering where she was etc...

pirategirl · 30/01/2008 10:48

and i have lost a baby, too. I would have left the building, and sent a message saying I'll see you another day.

frostymorning · 30/01/2008 10:51

Please try to be forgiving of your SIL. She'd probably been dreading going to see the baby for months but thought she could keep a grip for long enough to get in and out without anyone seeing just how upset she is. There isn't a time limit on grief and she may continue to grieve for this baby for the rest of her life.

Just a thought, but it might be possible that she's lost another baby (or even babies) that you don't know about. I've had 2 mc and haven't told my family not least because I wasn't sure that they would be understanding about my loss, in fact only 1 friend knows and the reason I told her was because I was absolutely certain that she would be supportive and wouldn't expect me to 'just get over it'. I'm currently pregnant again but the grief that I felt is still there.

juuule · 30/01/2008 10:53

Absolutely she shouldn't have stood outside for half an hour, upset, inconsolable. Some other member of the family should have gone to her aid. Someone should have taken note of her distress, of her dd possible distress and helped her. The fact that it was half an hour before the outraged relatives told her to go is a disgrace. Hopefully she has someone more sympathetic on her side of the family.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2008 10:54

"I totally understand the feelings of my sister's sister in law, but ........."

Er... no, you clearly don't understand.

YABU.

Tortington · 30/01/2008 10:55

i think you all should be more forgiing

i also think thatSIL prolly knewwhat she was gongt o e like and should hae stayed away and let your sister enjo her showy off stage

i think there are two sides at fault ere.

lionheart · 30/01/2008 11:00

Absolutely what Berolina said. Grief doesn't always play by the rules.

chocolatemummy · 30/01/2008 11:01

very dificult, she maybe knew that she would find it upsetting and perhaps if her dh had just said she had decided to stay away at the mineute so as not to spoil the new babies arrival everyone would have understood more than and big dramamtic, tearful scene which is the last thing you want or expect when you have your new baby to show the world

juuule · 30/01/2008 11:04

We don't know why your sil went. Perhaps she thought she could handle it. Obviously with hindsight she shouldn't have gone. But the situation was badly mishandled.

Surfermum · 30/01/2008 11:14

I completely broke down when a friend had his baby and called him what I would have called my first, who I lost. It was totally, totally unexpected.

Thankfully I heard about it via email so my friend never knew my reaction. But had I been at the hospital there's no way I would have stood and sobbed outside the room for even 10 minutes - let alone an hour and a half. I would have quietly left and sent dh in. I wouldn't have wanted to take anything away from what should be a really happy time, and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else feeling guilty that they were so happy while I was so sad.

SueBaroo · 30/01/2008 11:16

giddy aunt, I think YABU, most definitely.

She was outside the room, presumably because she was too upset to come in and wanted to try and control herself before coming in. At least she didn't come in and sob uncontrollably for 30 minutes all over the new baby, which would, presumably have been unacceptable to you all, too.

You clearly have no concept of the overwhelming power of losing a child, so please, don't say you understand, because you evidently don't.

herbaceous · 30/01/2008 11:29

I don't normally post in this section, but have become incensed by this.

I have had four miscarriages, and no children. The last one was a girl. Pregnant women, babies, hospitals, the lot, all set me off. It's not something I can control. I would much rather not be sent off into grief by something that brings so much joy to others, as I'm sure is the case for your SiL.

My sis is expecting her third baby. I feel I have to be excited by it, but it is intensely painful, especially as it's a girl. I'm dreading her being born, as no doubt she'll be beautiful and perfect. If I don't go to see her, I'll be seen as selfish and uncaring. If I do go, it will no doubt make me cry. I will then look like I'm being a drama queen.

Your sis has a new, lovely baby. I'd much rather that, and have a sad relative, than be the one grieving outside the door for what never was.

juuule · 30/01/2008 11:34

I'm so glad that you did post, Herbaceous. I think you put the difficulty of the situation for someone who has m/c very well.
So sorry to hear of your m/cs.

VintageGardenia · 30/01/2008 11:47

The post from herbaceous made me go all shivery. I am pregnant and have a due date very shortly after my sister-in-law's would have been - she miscarried at 14 weeks. I am already dreading the time for her as I imagine it will be very difficult. I can't imagine feeling angry with her if she's upset at the time.

WinkyWinkola · 31/01/2008 09:41

But you wouldn't spend 90 minutes crying outside the door of the new mum and baby, surely?

juuule · 31/01/2008 09:54

90 minutes? Where did that come from?

If she had to wait for her dh before she could go, where would you want her to wait? In the carpark?

WinkyWinkola · 31/01/2008 09:56

The OP said the SIL spent 90 mins outside the new mum's room at the hospital. Perhaps she was trying to gather herself together.

juuule · 31/01/2008 10:01

I read it as more than half an hour. Thinking it meant around just over 30mins.

JodieG1 · 31/01/2008 10:04

I agree with Colditz. I've had 5 miscarriages and it was an awful time for me, I still get upset about it now and my first was 6 years ago. I remember my sil calling dh on Christmas eve to tell us she was pregnant and I sobbed and was so upset, not because she was pregnant but because I wasn't. I was also even more upset because I'd lost my own baby about a week beforehand and thought she could have at least waited until after Christmas to tell us.

Sometimes it just hits you and you can't do anything about that. You can't predict how you're going to feel. Every time I saw a pregnant woman or newborns I would be devestated all over again and this lasted for a while.

I think you're being very unreasonable. That poor woman's husband should have taken her home.

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