To want to become a partial recluse - or is that odd ?

[awobabaobob]

Background: I'm 51, married, 3 teen DC, WFH full time.

I'm not agoraphobic (that I know of). Since lockdown, I enjoy and appreciate more and more time at home. I don't want to go out out - although I don't know if that's because I have put on weight/feel down/have realised that I'm starting to lose my looks/have anxiety looming over me for something else going on in my life right now which is longer term problem and a huge worry.

WIBU to want to just stay a home as much as I can ? I get food shopping delivered anyway. and always have done. I am not into clothes shopping and prefer to order on line. Lately, I find too many people too much eg. busy supermarkets and people dithering/walking so slow in the shop why they try to decide what to buy & people getting in my way annoy me. Lots of traffic on the road which makes me angry/cross/annoyed at taking soooo long to go anywhere & a 10 min journey turns into 30 mins. Queuing makes me annoyed. Shops being out of stock of what I want/need and my journey through the traffic and the busy shop has just been a waste of time. I just get soo frustrated with it all . Some examples:

Go to the shop during in advertised opening hours, to find the shop closed for lunch. There were no closed hours advertised in the day. Due to my own time constraints that day, I couldn't wait/go back for the shop when it re-opened. Journey to the shop was a waste of time.

Go to supermarket and join queue to pay. Told the queue is closing. I move to a different checkout, The one I was queuing at then re-opens and everyone at the back of my queue - who had only just joined my queue to pay - joins it.

Go to cash machine. 3 people in the queue - sigh - my turn and the machine has run out of cash. Other people in front of me have got cash out. Waste of time queuing.

Go to shop and pay using self-service checkout. It turns out that someone had already scanned 4 items at the check out I was using and then walked off/abandoned their shopping (but the shopping had been cleared away by the staff, although the till had not been cleared). I pay without realising, Notice the bill is £££. Check the receipt. Spot the error and then it takes another 20mins to refund/sort.

It's just all tooooo much

I'm 51 and could've written your post. I don't fight it any more. I stay in away from people as much as possible. You are not weird or unreasonable at all!

I am the same. I like my private little world.

There are other options outside the home than shopping.

Is there countryside near you that you could explore?

You’re not unreasonable to curate your life however you want to. (As long as it doesn’t hurts others of course). Sounds absolutely fine- don’t torture yourself.

Oh gosh yes. This is me. I’m desperately hoping to bag a condensed hours night time job, just so I don’t have to ‘people’ so much. Much prefer to hide away at home or disappear in the middle of nowhere with my cats and my boat. Give me animals over humans anyway. Much less complicated.

Lots of irritations there too. I stay away from that also!

I feel the same too.

YANBU you get to the stage where you just don't waste time with unnecessary unsatisfying interactions , then realise they aren't compulsory and really indulge your fuckits.

It’s not obligatory to be gregarious.

That's how I've felt most of my life, tbh! I go out when I need to or want to. I get/do the things I need, then come back to my home, where I'm happiest. For the rest of it, if you don't feel like going out and don't need to do so, why force yourself? If you start to feel isolated, you can always take steps to change that and get out more often.

Some people can't or won't understand that it's possible to happy doing things differently from how they do them. I'd ignore those people. They're not living your life. We're "allowed" to have different personalities, and some of us simply don't need as much social interaction as others.

I'm 38 and feel the same. Apart from meeting a few close friends for walks in nature or food, I'm avoiding the city, or big shopping centres.

I used to love browsing the shops, especially this time of year. This year I have no energy for other people, and get irrationally annoyed at queues and endless Christmas crap etc.

I've noticed a lot of pubs/ clubs/ shops closing down near me, only coffee shops are doing well. Whereas every second house seems to be getting renovations done - it's like we're all nesting. I suppose it's easier to hibernate these days - WFH, get food delivered, shop online, bank online, email - you don't ever have to see anyone really.

My friend thinks we're all shellshocked from Covid, and it will take years to get back to where we were before.

I’m 57 and am exactly the same

It’s not ‘recluse or supermarket’
you can get shopping delivered and still go out to do nice things
swimming, hiking, for a quiet coffee or nice food, walk a friends dog, go see live music

It's called life and as much as people are annoying when you go out I'm not staying in for anyone.
I'd go stir crazy and I need fresh air/socialisation.

I feel the same! However I do think it's partly menopause related. Are you on HRT?

I think you are conflating two things

Finding shopping dull and preferring to order online = grand

Feeling increasingly uneasy outside the house and wanting to stay in to feel safe = probably not fine in huge amounts, and likely to be a slippery slope.

From your post there seems to be quite a lot making you unhappy, so I would think about how to address those things. Go see your GP or a counsellor if necessary. But for example, not going out is likely to make you more fixated on your (doubtless perfectly normal) looks, whereas if you go out it will be evident no one gives a shit.

Agree 100%.

I’m very selective about my interactions. L’enfer, c’est les autres.

I know this is a position of privilege, so I’m excessively polite and accommodating to those I do have to interact with, when it’s their job to interact with me.

I’m an introvert so I get it, but I would worry about the impact as you age. It’s easy to underestimate the benefits of walking to the shops etc but actually it’s really importance for your fitness and balance once youre older. I worked with charities who were supporting older people during covid and people really deteriorated physically when they weren’t leaving the house any more.
Obviously you can do fitness things at home etc but will it be enough to compensate and are you going to be doing YouTube fitness videos when you’re 80?

I feel exactly the same , nothing to do with lockdown was like this before. we love spending time with our dogs. My DH has always worked nights as cannot stand traffic / people . DD is just the same and apart from work only spends time with her DP and their dogs .
We have Christmas on our own and it's bliss . I love food / other shopping but Iove it when I eventually get home.

I am a similar age, what l've found is I'm now happier in my own company. I do enjoy going out as well as being at home, l enjoy riding my bike or walking through the countryside where it's peaceful. l also love my garden. I work in a busy retail environment so l enjoy quiet time.
We' re all different, we have to do what feels best for us. I think it benefits me healthwise and mentally having daily exercise and fresh air, l sleep well.
Have you thought about exercising at home maybe ? Or something like gentle swimming ? Then you might find you enjoy or feel more comfortable going outdoors more.

Absolutely no reason why someone can't stay active at 80 if they want to . I know plenty of women late 20s early 30s that have the health level of a 70 year old because they are so damned lazy . Women in their 40s/ 50s now are so different to 20 years ago .

I was talking about this today with someone I meet on dog walks, I said I just don’t want to go out! If I didn’t have the dog, (& my mother to transport about) I wouldn’t go out. I just don’t want to! I don’t like people, and as you say, the shops are busy, they don’t have what you went in for, the queues are mad because they’re all short staffed, it’s hard!

Yes, I think you’ve misunderstood me- I’m not saying 80 year olds can’t be active, I’m saying they SHOULD be active as much as possible and that is harder to do if you don’t leave the house. Exercise is fab but the day to day movement of walking around outside , on different surfaces, up and down hills etc is really beneficial for function and balance, which is important as you age

I felt exactly the same as you when I was around 50. The menopause was taking its toll and I was changing and the world around me wasn't. I reckon some people (me definitely) just get to a stage in life where you realise that a lot of the stuff society tells us we're supposed to like e.g. shopping, crowds. being aspirational, materialism is all a crock of crap. I just couldn't deal with it all any more and decided to move to the coast and isolate myself from it all. It was great for a while then I (or rather a new different me) evolved and came back to me.

8 years later I am back in the city leading a very different life than before. Much slower, quieter, avoiding all the things I can't face any more. Instead I soak up all the stuff I do like e.g. culture, the arts, my close friends, parks.

Turns out I didn't want to be a recluse, I just wanted a rest and to re-evaluate what matters to me and what I want. Perhaps that's just what you need OP.

Yes I do see what you mean , basically you can keep fit at home quite easily .