To want to become a partial recluse - or is that odd ?

[awobabaobob]

Background: I'm 51, married, 3 teen DC, WFH full time.

I'm not agoraphobic (that I know of). Since lockdown, I enjoy and appreciate more and more time at home. I don't want to go out out - although I don't know if that's because I have put on weight/feel down/have realised that I'm starting to lose my looks/have anxiety looming over me for something else going on in my life right now which is longer term problem and a huge worry.

WIBU to want to just stay a home as much as I can ? I get food shopping delivered anyway. and always have done. I am not into clothes shopping and prefer to order on line. Lately, I find too many people too much eg. busy supermarkets and people dithering/walking so slow in the shop why they try to decide what to buy & people getting in my way annoy me. Lots of traffic on the road which makes me angry/cross/annoyed at taking soooo long to go anywhere & a 10 min journey turns into 30 mins. Queuing makes me annoyed. Shops being out of stock of what I want/need and my journey through the traffic and the busy shop has just been a waste of time. I just get soo frustrated with it all . Some examples:

Go to the shop during in advertised opening hours, to find the shop closed for lunch. There were no closed hours advertised in the day. Due to my own time constraints that day, I couldn't wait/go back for the shop when it re-opened. Journey to the shop was a waste of time.

Go to supermarket and join queue to pay. Told the queue is closing. I move to a different checkout, The one I was queuing at then re-opens and everyone at the back of my queue - who had only just joined my queue to pay - joins it.

Go to cash machine. 3 people in the queue - sigh - my turn and the machine has run out of cash. Other people in front of me have got cash out. Waste of time queuing.

Go to shop and pay using self-service checkout. It turns out that someone had already scanned 4 items at the check out I was using and then walked off/abandoned their shopping (but the shopping had been cleared away by the staff, although the till had not been cleared). I pay without realising, Notice the bill is £££. Check the receipt. Spot the error and then it takes another 20mins to refund/sort.

It's just all tooooo much

I end up going out once every 2 to 3 wks (getting back to @awobabaobob 's thread & away from the menopause) & everything else is done online, I love it. I go out for interesting things, not boring ones!
Yesterday I had to do the boring stuff & go to the Post Office as I couldn't arrange to have the letters & parcels collected (sending 'signed for' etc) I got a taxi down there, then into the large shopping mall near us, bought a birthday card & some Christmas bags to put gifts in, walked through & out the other end, hopped in a taxi & came back home! :-) Bliss, got exercise but soon back home.

Mind, shops in malls.. ultra boring.. I used to love a browse in the supermarket there which also sold clothes & household goods, then I'd have a look round BHS.. now it's all sports goods, nails, brows, Lush with it's overpowering whiff, jewellers, posh clothes shops that I've never even set foot in, phone shops, & Japanese or Scandi household tat.. :-(

I agree women 40/50/60s have redefined themselves with health / interests / income etc . I have so much more Identity and control in my life now than I ever did in my 20/30s . And although I do a lot away from my home I love being at home in my own world 🙂

Aaargh, @binglebangle567 you're so right. Bloody apps for this, apps for that.. I REFUSE!!

binglebangle567
Even the laundromat in my building requires an app, then you have to upload money to your account on the app via PayPal.

Oh god, I remember this! A few years ago when I was a (mature) student living in student accommodation, they changed all the washing machines to a top up card that you had to log on and use. So annoying.

Of course they tried to claim it was 'more efficient' or some crap, but really it was because they didn't want to have to pay someone to collect the money from the machines. I remember thinking - what has the world come to when my bloody washing machine needs my email address!?

It's not the technology as such, it's that often it doesn't make things easier (at least not for the consumer), and that we're pushed into using it, because the older options are then taken away. If it was an added option, that's fine, but more and more it's the only option, which is a pain in the arse when it inevitably doesn't work properly. grrr.

This is true , my phone went into meltdown because of so many apps on it . Just felt so controlled by it all . Your right it's all so overwhelming .

You must feel like it's being enforced on you . Society wonders why people are dealing with so many mental health issues!

These are just parts of normal every day life. To me it would seem sad to just become a recluse.. what’s the point in life?!

Both my parents are partial recluses. Also, I'm kind of bored of it all myself and don't really go out that often.

If it makes you feel any better I'm 29 and exactly the same. If I didn't have two very small children I'm sure I'd just hibernate at home forever.

This is 100% due to lockdown. It showed me how much I enjoy family time in our home without having to interact with anyone else. Of course we jumped on the bandwagon and extended our home which makes me love it even more. I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse!

We did the same DIY d the hell out of our home, extension / garden ,everything Never worked so hard and love our home even more just want to be here all the time now.

You are me 😃

I'm exactly the same. I've always been happy in my own company, but now I don't even want to be around other people
I'm 57 and don't work due to disability

@binglebangle567 That would drive me CRAZY.. that's the thing re smartphones, there's no getting away from them. Luckily I don't have to have one, but honestly, your post strikes terror into my heart.. and @Wiccan I totally agree.. humans NEED downtime.

Btw @awobabaobob my laddie (21, ND) was reading your post over my shoulder & wondered why you'd said PARTIAL recluse.. he recommends full recluse, or, as he said, hermit! ;-)

Hear hear to you both.

OP, in your shoes I’d be talking to my GP or a therapist. You mention in your OP that other potential factors in your reluctance to leave the house include weight gain, losing your looks, another unspecified but ongoing situation that is causing you anxiety — that all sounds like stuff worth exploring. It sounds to me as if you’re displacing things onto a more Mn-acceptable grump about things anyone would find irritating about supermarket shopping.

But (1) there’s more to life outside the home than shopping and (b) you won’t get balanced replies from an online forum dominated by posters who struggle with friendships, don’t answer the doorbell, regard the school run as some kind of torture — and who mis’diagnose’ this as ‘introversion ’, which it really isn’t.

So much of your post is about visiting shops OP. Maybe this was pleasant/bearable before but now isn't, because you've changed or they have? Can you order online / plan to visit at quieter times of day, and try outings that don't involve/minimise commercial interactions? Go for a walk, read a good book, perhaps go to an art gallery at a quiet time, or a concert?

You have stopped pleasing other and are now pleasing yourself. I'm the same . It's all about me and what's best for me .

I think it’s fine to live your life as you wish, i find it odd to label it like this Ie I’m going to become a partial recluse and I don’t see the correlation with getting your shopping delivered . Loads of folks do that.

I’m with you OP. I find shopping a completely overwhelming experience now. Hate public transport as others are so selfish with their bloody mobiles!

I don't like shopping, so I don't do it, do it all online. I do like my friends, though, and chatting with colleagues, and passing the time of day with people, and seeing kids playing in the park, and cooing over babies. Once that stops for me, life becomes poorer.

If you were saying I love staying in, as I have lots of hobbies and a great online social life and just like a quieter life, it would be different. you seem motivated by negative things though- I mean if you fear going out now as you have 'lost your looks' when is that going to end? you are only going to get older? That's quite a profound loss.

I would be looking at finding a lovely counsellor to explore the stressful things you are dealing with, so that you have a choice about whether or not to rejoin the outside world.

Also, very few people can keep properly fit and maintain good balance sitting in all the time. As someone else said, you are storing up trouble if you aren't walking/running on different terrains, so do try to keep up walking and movement even at home. I was horrified when I got a pedometer which counted how many steps you do at home, it was so few, you can feel busy doing the washing or pottering about but it is not a substitute for a day out round the shops or a day at work in a busy environment or proper exercise.

But we aren't choosing to stay in 24/7 most have jobs and lives away from home the part we don't want are the hassles of one sided friendships , overly demanding family members , spending to much time in supermarkets, shopping centres and just generally just slowing down and enjoying our own spaces and homes and being able to breath out .

@Wiccan yep, it's the demanding family and friends (not all are demanding. Some are laid back and i see them every 5/6 weeks ish and it's great seeing them). I want to reduce interaction with. As much as I love them - they are drowning me in their needs and expectations. I also want to stay away from busy places/shops. Totally just want to enjoy my own space and time to breathe. I feel like I can't move without a certain friend knowing/ wanting to know my every move. And as she lives in the next street from me, she sees me going out/in. Then I get 'oooh where you been'