AIBU to ask for DS to be Star of the day?

[LovelyBranches]

DS has just turned 8. He’s a quiet, studious, shy and well behaved child. He works hard in school and his teacher has said he’s very good at reading.

That said, he struggles with maths, and has done for some time. In previous years he’s had some additional support from the school but I have asked the school many times if they can refer him for as assessment for dyscalculia. They keep fobbing us off so about 6 months ago we started doing Kumon lessons. DS has shown massive improvement at home with these lessons but despite his best efforts it’s not translating to school yet.

However DS came home last night and cried because he was upset that he hasn’t been the star of the day. In fact he’s never come home with any sort of ‘well done’ from the school in his entire time he’s been there.

Every teacher he’s ever had praises his lovely calm nature and his quiet way of getting on with things, but I feel he’s often overlooked because of this quiet nature. He doesn’t make a fuss when he doesn’t understand something and just struggles on his own. Similarly when he does something well, like reading or spelling he keeps it to himself. DS has got full marks in every spelling test he’s done for the last month for example but wouldn’t say anything.

I didn’t realise until last night how important the validation from the school was to him.

I know DS really likes his teacher and he wants to do well. He puts a lot of effort into his work but he isn’t being rewarded for it, and instead often ignored because he’s never naughty or attention seeking. His genuine problem in maths is also never picked up because he struggles quietly.

I’ve been in touch with the school again this week about support for maths but is it unreasonable to ask the teacher to give my son a class award like star of the day? I would feel really awkward asking the teacher for this but I was taken aback last night when I realised how much my son needed this, and how little he’s ever received recognition from his teachers or school. It seems that in his school the teachers are only concentrating on the children that are the loudest.

Yes you would be unreasonable to ask that but you wouldn’t to be unreasonable to discuss your concerns about your son.

Can you pay privately for a dyscalculia assessment? I would drop the Kumon and get a qualified primary teacher to do private tuition.

I think that's the wrong thing to ask for, because it may seem obvious to your son that you have spoken to teacher about it. But a quiet word with the teacher about your concerns and see if a more ling term way of getting the support he needs, especially with maths.

Ask, OP. The quiet ones do get overlooked.

Definitely ask. Why not, I bet other parents do. He probably does get overlooked

I had this with my DS. In the end I asked the teacher what he needed to do to win Star of the Week, or any such thing, and she blustered a bit. I didn't get a very sensible response, and he got a star that week but he didn't understand why - I definitely got the feeling she'd given it because she felt I'd been That Mother.

But I definitely feel that at that age it should be given on some kind of rota.

Just ask

Has he really never had any sort of recognition?

Our school do star of the week but every week they also do rainbow recognition awards, star writer awards. The kids are picked out for producing work which was a great effort on their ability, not best in the class but best for their own ability and making an effort. It means all the kids get star of the week at least once, but in between they get a little certificate praising a great piece of work or praising their helpful attitude or something. It's only a few handed out each week so still feels special but they do get more recognition opportunities than just star of the week.

If your son hasn't had any recognition, then it is ok to discuss that with them as part of a larger discussion around the lack of support, how he is left to struggle silently because the teacher isnt picking up his work as he doesnt make a fuss etc.

We’d be happy to pay, but we were told that DS needed to be 8 before an assessment. When he turned 8 the other week, I asked his teacher if he can have as assessment now and she’s said that they need to benchmark him over the term. Even though this has been something I feel has been an issue with him for some time, I feel like we have to allow the school to have this term, but if things don’t move after that then we’d be happy to pay.

With the Kumon, I feel like it’s the only thing helping him at the moment. Because it’s based on repetition he’s been able to make some progress but it’s slow and he’s still on basic additions in the Kumon whereas in school he’s supposed to be multiplying numbers. I’m not sure I want to cancel the Kumon just yet because it’s the only thing that’s stopping him from feeling rubbish at maths.

This is really common but I don't understand why. You have a class list surely you work through it so everyone gets a turn. My youngest was one who never got a turn. They notice and obviously it affects them because they feel no matter how hard they work it's not good enough.

DS has moved up to the junior side of the primary school this year so they have different systems but in the infant side the school has a chart with a rainbow and stars, and every time you do well you move up a colour until you get to the stars.

DD (age 5) is forever coming home with star stickers and certificates but the only stickers that DS ever came home with are the stickers given to the whole class. DS does have some big personalities in his class, and I find that they get a lot more reward even though DS tells me that they are noisy and don’t listen to lessons.

Last week (half term in Wales) all the children is DS’s class we’re asked to do a PowerPoint presentation on a country that is playing at the World Cup. All in all it took DS 4 hours to do the PowerPoint and his teacher hasn’t even asked him to do his presentation.

You will wait forever for him to get an assessment through school, for the same reason he gets no recognition. Drop the Kumon and get him a private assessment with a full scale IQ and cognitive assessment, preferably with an EP.

in the mean time a word with the teacher about him not feeling recognised for his work and that he is trying his best.

I would definitely talk to the teacher. I had the same with a very quiet studious daughter who needed that affirmation. Teacher was horrified that she had been forgotten as she said they do try and make sure all the kids get rewards like this for something, so definitely worth a chat with the teacher.

I would also chat to the teacher about the presentation and explain how long it took for him to do. I do think teachers would rather we chatted to them about these things 😊

Star of the week damaged my child’s mental health a lot. She like your son was quiet, well behaved and overlooked. She’d get anxious every Thursday night before star of the week assembly and gone home Friday devastated. I hate things like this. I went and spoke to her teacher and she didn’t understand or care very much. Good luck talking to your sons teacher.

I've often found when you raise these kind of concerns, the teachers often choose them for an award pretty soon any way. If they know he needs the boost, they often provide. Sometimes these quiet children fly under the radar. My DD is super quiet in school and just cracks On.

At that age it should be a rota so every child gets a turn. The school are not handling it well

I wouldn’t ask for him to be star of the day, mainly because they’ll just go back up overlooking him next week. You need him to be valued/acknowledged regularly like other children so you should seek a longer term plan.

Have a chat with the teacher and maybe pastoral and say what you’ve said here, that in all his time at school he’s never got any extra stickers to those everyone gets, never star of the day etc. Ask if there’s any issues that would have caused this, is theres behaviour issues? There won’t be but this will make them have to think and question why this has happened and make them realise you’re not that parent who just wants your kid to have everything.(Not that you come across that way at all) The pastoral team should be able to do some work with him to raise his confidence, the class teacher can make sure he’s not overlooked day to day.

I can sympathise, my children were overlooked a bit at primary. Both bright, well behaved, kind. One didn’t care about rewards and actually hated having any attention on them so it suited them, but one used to get very upset that others got award after award, stickers, name on newsletter etc and no matter what they did, they went seemingly unnoticed. I told them not to worry but when they constantly have this stuff shoved down their throat, it really matters to some children. I did have to go in to school in the end and they apologised. The class teacher said she thought my child had been given various awards and seemed gobsmacked that they hadn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I emphasised I didn’t want my child getting extra, just acknowledgment sometimes, like all the others. Anyway, things improved, my child was happier. The teachers are just busy and miss things sometimes.

At secondary, my kids good behaviour, academic ability and kindness have been regularly recognised. They were not really bothered by that stage, it’s all a bit ‘uncool’ by then, but they got certificates, postcards home to say well done, emails from teachers to acknowledge effort, homework etc. The ‘big characters’ didn’t do so well, a few were moved to other schools for bad behaviour etc. The constant accommodating and praising and minimising bad behaviour of the gobshites stopped. My experience is secondary school was/is much better at ‘seeing’ the quieter kids who always did the right thing.

Good luck, I hope the school are helpful if you do go in and speak to them.

Sorry, didn’t realise how long that was. 🤐

My son has had similar upsets. He's 7, yr3. Very very bright. We had parents evening this week - Excels at all subjects, never had any issues with his behaviour, tries hard, helps peers, etc. Also never had star of the day. When I tell him how well his teacher says he's doing he actually said "why don't I get star of the day then?". I did speak to his teacher and said he does need some prilaise from her. He thrives on it and it would make him so happy.

Yes it would be unreasonable. Try to get a private dyscalculia assessment if you can afford it. And then ask the school how can your son make a real go at getting star of the day? One thing might be that he conquers his fear of speaking you if he needs help with something. That star of the day will come to him one day OP!

I do find the quieter ones get overlooked. It seems to be the loud look at me confident ones or the naughty ones that have done something good for once that get rewarded. Does irk me too.

Get your kid to be really grown up and say to his teacher ‘excuse me Mrs X, I want to do well and work hard. What do I need to work on to get star of the week one day?’ That way he looks mature and you’re not ‘that parent’

The education system is really shit with dyscalculia. A lot of the online tests are superficial. If you can get a private educational psychologist to assess, you might get an accurate answer but I wouldn't actually expect a class teacher to be able to assess for this no matter what she says.

Maybe ask the teacher what star of the day is given out for to prompt them into realising your DS has never had it.

Sounds like a great opportunity to discuss thier policies raise with the school the damaging impact of reward-based systems which amount to public shaming and cause real anxiety and damage to self-esteem for many children.

Motivation needs to be be something that is fostered to be intrisic, not in response to some external arbitrary system.

There is a real tide change of moving away from this behaviourist approach but it's happening very slowly

I hate star of the week!
My ds didn't get it for 2 years (same teacher) whilst everyone else got it multiple times. It made me so angry for ds as he just gets on with his work and is always overlooked.
I questioned his teacher once and said ds was upset as his friends all had star of the week certificates and he's never had one, what does he need to do?
She was certain ds had had it. Turned out the boy with same name, different surname had claimed it instead. Apparently it was read out in assembly and the other boy got up to get it.

No one stopped him, not even the teacher who knew it was meant for my ds.