AIBU to ask for DS to be Star of the day?

[LovelyBranches]

DS has just turned 8. He’s a quiet, studious, shy and well behaved child. He works hard in school and his teacher has said he’s very good at reading.

That said, he struggles with maths, and has done for some time. In previous years he’s had some additional support from the school but I have asked the school many times if they can refer him for as assessment for dyscalculia. They keep fobbing us off so about 6 months ago we started doing Kumon lessons. DS has shown massive improvement at home with these lessons but despite his best efforts it’s not translating to school yet.

However DS came home last night and cried because he was upset that he hasn’t been the star of the day. In fact he’s never come home with any sort of ‘well done’ from the school in his entire time he’s been there.

Every teacher he’s ever had praises his lovely calm nature and his quiet way of getting on with things, but I feel he’s often overlooked because of this quiet nature. He doesn’t make a fuss when he doesn’t understand something and just struggles on his own. Similarly when he does something well, like reading or spelling he keeps it to himself. DS has got full marks in every spelling test he’s done for the last month for example but wouldn’t say anything.

I didn’t realise until last night how important the validation from the school was to him.

I know DS really likes his teacher and he wants to do well. He puts a lot of effort into his work but he isn’t being rewarded for it, and instead often ignored because he’s never naughty or attention seeking. His genuine problem in maths is also never picked up because he struggles quietly.

I’ve been in touch with the school again this week about support for maths but is it unreasonable to ask the teacher to give my son a class award like star of the day? I would feel really awkward asking the teacher for this but I was taken aback last night when I realised how much my son needed this, and how little he’s ever received recognition from his teachers or school. It seems that in his school the teachers are only concentrating on the children that are the loudest.

If star of the week is done so that every child in the class gets one at least once, a couple of things can influence where kids are in the running.

Kids with challenging behaviour often get it first, because they try hard at the beginning of term and teachers want to recognise that effort before it slips.

Kids will get it for something that was particularly challenging for them, an example being the quiet kid in the school play who says their one memorised line beautifully.

Equally kids might get it for something they shine at or displayed an obvious talent in: school plays, sports, art, maths competitions so when you get it can be strategic (eg just cast as the lead role, wait for final show for certificate.)

Well behaved kids can be relied on to do something good most weeks so often are left till last. Not any less valued and will be getting verbal praise, just there are more opportunities to give it to them on a 'slow' week.

Someone has got to be last. If there are 30 kids in the class you have to wait until 30 full term weeks are done until they've actually been missed.

If a kid has been violent or aggressive in the same week they had a good achievement it is usually rolled over for the following week so to not send conflicting messages and to avoid conflict with any potential victims parents. Verbal and other praise like stickers usually used in the meantime.

Nothing wrong with enquiring or offering areas you think they are trying hard in. However keep in mind that there will be many considerations of who gets it and why so it won't be instant.

My DC’s current primary school seem to have a sort of rota system for star of the week, so every child gets it at least once.
There’s all sorts of random reasons given for why children have achieved star of the week on the school newsletter.
But I like this system, as some children do get very demoralised if they never get star of the week.

My DC’s previous primary school did star of the week on “merit”. In Reception, DC1 did not get star of the week until around Easter, at which point every other child in the year had been a star of the week at least twice (they usually had 2 stars of the week). DC1 seemed oblivious to the existence of star of the week, so I didn’t say anything to the school.
And then, when DC1 did finally get star of the week, DC1’s teacher made a point of taking me to one side to tell me that DC1 hadn’t really deserved to be star of the week but she thought he could do with a boost so she’d let him have it anyway 🙄🙄🙄

Anyway, as your DS is getting upset about the lack of recognition and validation I’d definitely mention it to the school.
Especially if it’s a daily thing, they’ve been back in school long enough for star of the day to have worked it’s way around the whole class if it was given on a rota basis.

@TenPointsFromHufflepuff That is the point though. Quiet well behaved kids often do not get verbal praise unless they are outstanding in class. They often just get ignored.

I would definitely speak to the teacher. So what if they think you are “that mother”. I’m glad my kids are both in high school now and we don’t have to deal with this anymore. Both were quiet and preferred to stick to the sidelines (one has now been diagnosed with ASD). They just got on with things at school. They “were a pleasure to teach, well behaved ” etc but as you say were constantly overlooked for rewards.
The high school they are at now uses an app to award good behaviour points etc and it’s nice to see they have introduced one for “zero hero”. It recognises those quieter kids that don't get any minus points that just go about their day to day, doing their work, without any drama/bad behaviour.

I would try and get him assessed privately if you can afford to.

@antelopevalley so I'd encourage a civilised conversation with the teacher to make sure verbal praise, class dojo, housepoints, whatever are being used.

I like the idea behind star of the week but in reality it seems to go to the kids who need the encouragement and the ones that are easy, don't win them and feel left out. My dd won only after the teacher asked who hadn't had it and she was one of two. Better is the merit system when they win for individual effort and put them on the wall for a treat at the end of term, if they 'get enough' which of course they always do. No one feels left out.

YANBU to talk to the teacher about how he feels. Overlooked,not good enough, not heard,not seen. There are many ways in which they can remedy that and it would only foster good relationships . Talking about something that isn't working for your son and is affecting his self esteem isn't being that parent. It's just being a parent.

The selection for star of the week should be strategic, i.e. you keep track of children who've already had it and you made sure that everyone has it maybe once a term. Teachers will invent reasons to give it to specific pupils such as 'kind manners, kind friend, lovely smile'. I would find it odd if a child hadn't had it by Christmas.

im a teacher and I wd suggest sharing all of that with the teacher. Some teachers do need a steer. My daughter’s p1 teacher thought she had made my DD star of the week and she hadn’t- my DD was devastated to be the only child to miss out. Turned out the teacher kept track using pupil’s initials and my DD shared same initials with a child who had already been made Star of the Week. Thankfully we got this sorted- these things matter a lot to some kids and it frustrates me that some teachers don’t pay attention to detail. Absolutely raise it.

Most schools I've worked in make sure each child will get the star award at some time, which seems very fair. Although I remember sitting in a Friday assembly in one school where Stars of the Week went to the front, and one little girl near me turned and sighed "It's always the naughty ones, isn't it?" And she was right.