AIBU to ask for DS to be Star of the day?

[LovelyBranches]

DS has just turned 8. He’s a quiet, studious, shy and well behaved child. He works hard in school and his teacher has said he’s very good at reading.

That said, he struggles with maths, and has done for some time. In previous years he’s had some additional support from the school but I have asked the school many times if they can refer him for as assessment for dyscalculia. They keep fobbing us off so about 6 months ago we started doing Kumon lessons. DS has shown massive improvement at home with these lessons but despite his best efforts it’s not translating to school yet.

However DS came home last night and cried because he was upset that he hasn’t been the star of the day. In fact he’s never come home with any sort of ‘well done’ from the school in his entire time he’s been there.

Every teacher he’s ever had praises his lovely calm nature and his quiet way of getting on with things, but I feel he’s often overlooked because of this quiet nature. He doesn’t make a fuss when he doesn’t understand something and just struggles on his own. Similarly when he does something well, like reading or spelling he keeps it to himself. DS has got full marks in every spelling test he’s done for the last month for example but wouldn’t say anything.

I didn’t realise until last night how important the validation from the school was to him.

I know DS really likes his teacher and he wants to do well. He puts a lot of effort into his work but he isn’t being rewarded for it, and instead often ignored because he’s never naughty or attention seeking. His genuine problem in maths is also never picked up because he struggles quietly.

I’ve been in touch with the school again this week about support for maths but is it unreasonable to ask the teacher to give my son a class award like star of the day? I would feel really awkward asking the teacher for this but I was taken aback last night when I realised how much my son needed this, and how little he’s ever received recognition from his teachers or school. It seems that in his school the teachers are only concentrating on the children that are the loudest.

Try having an older brother who is top of the class and gets school rep and generally shines...and getting nothing, ever. My middle child is 7 and can't read or write, can't concentrate, can't understand basic maths concepts. HIs teachers really try to give him effort awards, but he's not so remedial that he can't see them for what they are. I've only ever focussed teacher discussions on how to help my DS, not on how to give him fake awards that he can see through...

I've asked before When DS was very young, maybe Yr 1, same thing, good kid, tried hard, quiet, I felt quite strongly that he had just been forgotten rather than it being me pushing for something underserved.

Teacher was mortified (it was almost the end of the yr) that he had been forgotten. Lo & behold, the award turned up and DS was absolutely delighted. Totally worth it.

Oh bless him, has he got a diagnosis or been assessed to work out why he is struggling so much?

I would just say that DS is desperate to be star of the day and is there anything you can do to help him boost his chances.

Maybe talk to the teacher about how he could feel more validated and that he feels a bit lost and unheard.

I worry for my DD as well. She does get overlooked as well I think. I haven't discussed it with her teachers yet but I might at some point. The few times when she does get any sort of validation it means the world to her

I try to both validate her at home but also try to somehow teach her that external.validation isn't the only thing that's important. So far not very successfully I think.

I think star of the week should just be banned. Lots of parents in ds's class think their well behaved kids are overlooked for it and it only goes to the 'naughty' kids. However my kid is one of the ones who will definitely fall into their category of naughty and he has never been star of the week in his 6yrs at primary school. I don't know which category of child actually gets star of the week but it certainly causes more angst that it's worth.

Teacher here Drop the Kumon ( it works with the easier stuff then the technique it uses hits a brick wall)
But definitely speak to the teacher about him feeling overlooked give specific examples like his spelling and the PowerPoint but ask the teacher what you could do at home to help him with his maths understanding

Even if the teacher is doing it on a rota system, somebody has to be last. If there are 30 children in the class, then less than half of them will have had it yet this year.

Speaking as a TA, I would say definitely speak to the teacher about his self-esteem and that he's feeling overlooked. Even if it just means they focus on more verbal praise and validation, it'll hopefully help until he gets the weekly award.

@Choconut the school has started that process and we're ona waiting list privately. I'm trying not to overthink the future!

Schools don't do these things well at all. My ds used to never get them. He'd say he couldn't be bothered to be naughty, then good again, and that was how you got them 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ugh effing star of the week or any "reward" system can bog off in my opinion!

Bloody hate them; both of my children were in the "quiet getter oners" group who didn't disrupt or butter up the teacher so were generally ignored. Peeved me off no end!

The apologists for this always claim that the quiet kids get loads of praise at home anyway. As if neglected and abused children are never quiet. It simply is not true.

In most schools star of the day or week or whatever it is goes on a rolling basis and doesn't really mean anything. In all of the schools I've worked in you mark the names off the register as you go so that by the end of the year everyone gets a certificate. It's totally wrong.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all to say to the teacher that he is really focused on the 'star' certificate, and comes home crushed every week he doesn't win because he's trying so hard. She will 100% (if she's not a total meanie) give him a certificate and a big well done.

My experience is secondary school was/is much better at ‘seeing’ the quieter kids who always did the right thing

@TeamHerbivore I agree. My DS was often overlooked in primary, but blossomed at secondary school

I’m guessing that the larger class sizes are part of the problem?

At DS’s village primary school (16 in his class), all the teachers were great at praising and rewarding all the children very regularly for all sorts of endeavours. My DS is also quiet and studious, but I honestly don’t think he was overlooked.

Not your question I know, but I would keep on with the Kumon of it is helping him. Regardless of the diagnosis, he will need extra support to improve his maths, and it sounds like it is working.

And yes, I would discuss this with the teacher -- not just asking but explaining why

Omg definitely ask the teacher. She/he has probably just missed him off the list. Unless the school is completely awful they generally just make sure each kid gets at least one award through the year. It’s often the quiet ones that get overlooked poor little buggers so I’d say definitely say something!!

On collecting my GD aged 7 from school last week she commented that she never wants to have “Star of the Week” because it’s only given to the “naughty kids , to encourage them”!

Out of the mouths of babes

How big is his class? My DD was similarly quiet and well behaved and therefore completely overlooked in primary school. It really annoyed me. DH was chair of the PTA and all so the MN theory that the PTA kids were favourited didn't hold true 😀

Never solved it and now she's in a private school with small classes and complains she has too much attention!

I feel your pain OP. My DS is quiet and well behaved and always seems to get passed over for these "Star" awards too. The kids who get them most often IMO are the naughty/disruptive kids who manage not to do anything too horrendous for a few days. Kids who fly below the radar and consistently work hard/behave well seem to get overlooked. My DS gets really upset about it too. I wish school would scrap these things. They do more harm than good.

Slightly different perspective here but my son was also very bright and capable yet overlooked when it came to star of the week / recognition. I also spoke to teachers about it.

Did find that at the end of term he would suddenly get loads of awards as they checked their records and made up the deficit! Really this just highlighted how fickle the system was.

My son is now nearly 18 years old, very academic (already has 3 uni offers) and what’s more he is super driven and dedicated for himself not for recognition or validation.

I'm a teacher. I'd hope any parent would feel confident enough to be able to ask me. If a parent did ask I'd absolutely respond positively and made sure I was going further to spot opportunities to reward that child.

I asked for my DD in similar situation and she was over the moon she got it as a result. They hadn't realised she was mentally keeping a log of when people got it and was getting more and more demoralised by the whole thing.

I would say what you've said here but not ask for the star of the week.

Say how much your is doing at home for recognition and the kumon and he's coming home upset.

Say you're worried about his mental well-being as he doesn't feel the effort he's putting in is being recognised or rewarded and ask they come up with a plan to support him.

Star of the week won't help because he'll get it this week and then not again for the rest of the year. Those feeling will return.

A personal star chart he gets noticed with and he's gets a magazine or something at home each week as a reward will help continuously support his well-being and feeling of being valued.

Star of the week is generally meaningless but if seems to mean a lot to many children, so it’s a shame how clumsily it is managed IME.

I’ve had dc at different schools, the state primary seemed to use it to encourage the normally badly behaved dc if they were suddenly improving or behaving themselves.

At private school/prep they tend to give them to the dc of the parents who have been complaining, to appease them or ensure they don’t move their dc elsewhere.

If your dc is upset about it, mention it to the teacher. Plenty of other parents do, you won’t be the first.